I Come in Peace :)

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Hello everyone I'm not entirely new, but I've only lurked here so far and never posted anything, simply because I didn't know how to go about an introduction. I'm not very good with social things like that, which is one reason why I'm here. Usually when I join an internet forum, I jump right in and start posting without first introducing myself. But I've also never felt like being part of a forum community and never stayed long in any online venue. I guess I have a very thin skin and I'm quick to give up and leave when I don't seem to fit in.

There's another reason why I put off my first post until now: I can get really long-winded and have a hard time figuring out which information about me (or about anything else, for that matter) is really relevant to others. I'll try to cut myself short, but it might be a fruitless attempt Once I start typing, there is no stopping me. So you've been warned Now... where to begin? I'm 40 years old, from Germany, and live alone with my two cats (I'm thinking about adopting a third one, but my apartment is already a bit crowded what with the collection of ceiling-high scratch trees and other cat-related furniture and toys all over the place). And I have zero social contact with other human beings anymore, which I guess is another reason why I'm here. No man is an island and humans need a bare minimum of social interaction.

I've always had a hard time making acquaintances and have never been a very social person. I had an overprotected childhood (my parents and doctors thought I had asthma, but my supposed asthma attacks were probably just panic attacks and hyperventilating aspie meltdowns). As a teenager, I was content to tag along with a few computer nerds, who were the only peers who would have me. Probably because they liked having someone around who was even weirder than themselves After I finished school, I lost contact with my so-called friends. They had become a bit abusive towards me because they thought I was gay due to my apparent disinterest in the other gender (which was merely shyness and emotional immaturity). My parents thought the same as I later found out.

I lost contact with my family too after I moved into my first own apartment. Or rather, after they had moved me into an apartment. I was ill-prepared to deal with things like buying furniture and kitchen appliances, so my parents, overprotective yet eager to get their youngest kid out of the house as they were, handled pretty much everything for me. They found a rental for me near my place of work (I somehow managed to get a driver's license but never bought a car, because I can't multitask for the life of me and get very anxious when I sit behind the wheel). They furnished the place, installed ceiling lamps and everything, and about the only thing I did myself was to sign the rental contract and set up my computer equipment.

Once I lived on my own, I pretty much stopped responding to the infrequent attempts of other people to contact me. I felt that I had very little in common with my hyper-religious and very conservative family and felt betrayed by my former friends. Besides, I no longer lived in my home town, and without a car it was hard for me to get around and visit people. But I guess the main reason that I completely lost contact with everyone is that when I don't see people on a regular basis, I no longer feel any emotional connection to them after a short time. I wonder if this is just me or if anybody else here has made the same experience?

Anyway, despite my utter lack of social skills I managed to make a bit of a career in the pre-print and graphic design industry. My co-workers didn't like me much because I kept my social interaction with them to an absolute minimum. I've never seen the point in talking about the weather or sports or anything. When I went to work, I was there to work, and that was the only thing I did all day. I didn't get paid for small talk and making friends, and unlike my work (which I really liked), social interaction was quite stressful for me. The only occasions when I talked to people was when I needed to discuss work-related matters, and those were also the only occasions when I actually knew what to say. I never realized that my colleagues perceived me as weird and abrasive.

Alas, the small printhouse that I worked at and where I had my own little office went bankrupt. I got hired by a larger company and my work stress increased tenfold, because now I had to sit in a large office with several coworkers. I constantly felt stared at and distracted by noises, and the slight social anxiety that I've always had got worse. But I still managed to get my work done. I even got a bit of a promotion thanks to my passion for computers and became a network administrator in addition to my regular job after taking some company-paid courses. That's when things got really bad, because I was now forced to interact a lot more with my co-workers and help them with things like mistyped passwords and lose ethernet cables. It didn't help matters that some of my colleagues were jealous that I got a raise, and some were openly hostile towards me.

Long story short, I took a lot of sick leaves, had really bad panic attacks at work, probably behaved really strange in a desperate attempt to mask my constant anxiety, and eventually had a nervous breakdown. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and it might be that I really have schizophrenia as a comorbid disorder to Asperger's and social anxiety. But as far as I can tell, I never had any paranoid or delusional episodes back then and never hallucinated. I sometimes had the feeling that people were staring at me, or talking about me behind my back if I couldn't make out what they are saying. But that was probably just an anxiety symptom.

I signed myself into a psychiatric hospital, determined to undergo therapy and find out what was wrong with me. Alas, I couldn't stand living in a confined, noisy space with several other patients and no privacy. Aat the end of the first day I was a nervous wreck. I told the doctor and staff that I couldn't handle this situation, and begged them to let me go home and try an ambulant therapy approach. But since I was a panicking, wide-eyed, trembling mess, I was instead tied down and put under strong medication.

As I later found out I was given haloperidol during my time there, and although I went home after week (without having received any actual therapy) and no longer took any meds, the Parkinson-like side effects of this antipsychotic lasted for almost a year. My neurologist subsequently misdiagnosed me with Parkinson's disease and prescribed L-dopa, which really did make me paranoid for a while. I nonetheless went back to work, where everybody treated me like a crazy person. Some people actually seemed to be afraid of me I lost my appetite, got majorly depressed (I've always been slightly depressed since I was a teenager), couldn't sleep anymore, and panicked so much in the morning before leaving the house that I often had to throw up. I also developed a chronic gastritis and an IBD due to the constant mortal stress.

One morning I woke up and couldn't leave the house anymore. Somebody called my parents after I didn't show up for work and didn't answer the phone for days, and they agreed to do my shopping for the next months. I communicated with them by leaving notes under the apartment door, because I couldn't stand talking to anybody, not even on the phone. Whenever I tried to have a conversation, I choked up and couldn't breathe anymore, and I had also developed a sudden stutter. Of course I lost my job due to this episode. My parents helped file an application for an early retirement with my insurance, and since there was no way I would be able to work again given my social anxiety, Crohn's disease, major depression, supposed schizophrenia and supposed Parkinson's, the application was approved. So there I was, a retiree at the age of 31.

My condition got a little better in the following years. I've become able to do my own shopping again, although it's always a stressful experience. Once again I've lost contact with my parents since I no longer need their assistance, and I have no intention of contacting them again for reasons that I don't want to go into here. Suffice to say that we don't see eye to eye on anything and have become complete strangers to one another. For several years, I've pretty much lived online in MMORPGs and SL (Second Life). I've built up a small business in SL and made a little extra income, which allowed me to adopt my cats and spoil them rotten Without them, I'd probably have gone crazy. Or crazier than I already am

My main hobby (and my special interest) has become the English language. I haven't read a German newspaper or watched a German TV show in ages. Everything I read and watch is in English, and since I'm a night owl, all people that I interact with in MMOs and in SL live in the USA. It might be a subconscious attempt to keep my acquaintances at a great geographic distance and avoid RL contact. I can't remember the last time I had a conversation in German that was longer than "I need a new prescription" or "I'll pay with EC card". I feel like a stranger in my own country nowadays, and my social interaction in online games has become almost as sparse as my RL social contact. I simply can't seem to connect with other people anymore on any level, especially not in RL.

Sorry for the wall of text and for my apparent wallowing in self-pity My situation isn't really that bad and I didn't mean to sound depressed or whiny. It's just that all these events seem relevant, because they finally helped me realize that I'm probably on the autism spectrum. When I first read about Asperger's and HFA and took a few online tests, it was as if everything suddenly fell into place, and my entire life experience seemed to make sense for the first time. But it also completely shattered my self-image. Despite all my problems, I've always thought of myself as a normal person. In my mind, I had simply been misdiagnosed and mistreated all my life. I blamed my overbearing parents, my bullying peers and my hostile co-workers for my issues, pretty much everyone but myself.

Realizing how strange I am in everything that I do -- my posture (I never know what to do with my arms and hands when I don't use them), my limited facial expressions (I rarely ever smile), my inability to maintain eye contact etc. -- well, I don't really know how to describe it. It was a bit of a shock. I re-examined my entire life and suddenly remembered so many strange little mannerisms and inabilities to deal with very basic things. I had a very hard time learning how to tie shoelaces, for example, and I never really learned how to read an analog clock. (I can decipher it with some effort, but it takes me a while. The entire concept is so utterly unintuitive, and I never understood why most people still wear analog wrist watches instead of the more accurate digital ones. But I digress and obsess). I mean, in hindsight I feel like I've always been a clumsy idiot or something. No offense meant. It's just such a huge disconnect with my former self-image as a creative and quirky-intelligent loner who had the bad luck to always be misunderstood by everybody.

Well, I hope that any of this made sense. If I'm schizophrenic instead of autistic, it probably didn't But I don't take any medication other than anti-depressants and steroids for my IBD, and I still don't experience any positive (i.e., delusional) schizophrenia symptoms. My thought process is sometimes all over the place, but nonetheless structured and not jumbled as far as I can tell. And the lists of Asperger's symptoms that I came across describe me to a T, although I'm probably more of a social recluse than most people here.
So... yeah, that's about it. I'm not sure where to go from here. Should I get diagnosed? There don't seem to be any kind of behavioral therapy options or anything for aspies in my age group. And I'm also a bit reluctant to seek treatment given my bad experience with the German mental health system in the past. In any case, this forum seems to be a good place to start my life as a self-diagnosed aspie

Wow. What a long rant I don't really expect anyone to read this. It felt good though

Hello! My name is Annie, and I'm new here, too! I also am a very shut in person, but it's been more of a newly squired three month sort of thing. I have a cat who hangs out in my room with me who is also spoiled rotten. Cats can help people get through so much!

It's nice to meet you! I hope we both can become more comfortable and acquainted with the forum. There are a looot of people on here, but you know? I don't really see a lot of bickering or rudeness in comparison to a lot of other forums out there. I think it will be pretty easy to nest in and feel at home. So again, welcome!

Thanks I'm glad to read that I'm not the only shut-in here. And I agree that this forum has a friendly and positive atmosphere

I also agree on the therapeutic value of cats My two bonsai tigers wake me up in the afternoon and constantly demand attention, which keeps me busy and gives me a purpose. And they are a lot easier to read and understand than neurotypical people

Awwwe welcome to WP I'm sure your posts will be helpful here. I have two cats that help me deal with stress too. Only in recent years has AS become a more prevalent DX. A lot of older people have gone without being DXed or given psychiatric DXes instead. You could have it or both, if you find stuff to relate too on here you don't have to be so hesitant to post. We even have a specific section for mental health issues in general discussions although I'm sure you're welcome in both. I imagine it's even harder to get an ASD DX in older adulthood.

Welkome to WP

Mick

Welcome to WP.

Do you also come in pieces?

Welcome to WP!

hi i am anna.
i am 18.
i have depression and stuff to.
mostly tho just the paranoia stuff.
welcome to the forums.
i havent been here very long but i do like it.

Hi CrazyCatLord,

Thank you for sharing and welcome to WP.

Yes, kitties seem to be more understanding than most people and make great friends for us.
I have two also - a brother and sister.