Am I Asperger's/on the spectrum?

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Hey. New member, but I already have a few random posts, but I figured it was about time I introduce myself. I'm not a narcissist (though some people have told me I am, or worse), but I can go on and on about myself and life, so I'll try not to and apologize ahead of time if I do.

I'm not diagnosed on the autism spectrum at all, but I recently learned I almost was when I was about six years old, and I've been wondering if this is something that fits me or not. So I thought I would join here, and I'm debating going to see a psychologist, since I want some help with certain personal difficulties and problems I've been having anyway, and was wondering if a proper diagnosis might help?

Some background info: I'm a college graduate, a writer, and published author. I'm also a singer and songwriter. I'm 24, almost 25, and a straight male.

I've been reading up on Asperger's and the autism spectrum online and browsing through the articles and discussion board here, and there's a lot of it that sounds familiar to me or matches my story, but also a lot that doesn't. For instance, I have a highly sensitive sense of smell. An odd habit of mine is that anytime I bring something close to my face, I'll sniff it, and I used to smell people also, and could actually tell things about their hormones and personal health based on that, so I guess I could be like one of those dogs that are trained to detect stuff.

I also have a very acute sense of hearing. I complain to people all the time that they're listening to music or tv too loud, and if I'm home alone, I like to reduce the noises in the house to a minimum, except for a preference for continual light background music that I'll change according to mood, which I've found helps me think and focus.

In spite of my good hearing, I used to have trouble controlling the pitch, loudness, and speed of speech, which people had thought was due to some kind of hearing difficulty, until a physical exam showed what I already knew - I hear much better than most. I've since learned with some help and self-training to control my speech, and also used to have some slight speech impediments when I was little that I also overcame, so I actually currently speak quite well and eloquently.

I'm also photosensitive, and I'll get headaches and possibly get sick if I spend too much out in the sun without sunglasses or other proper protection.

In contrast to those sensitivities, I'm under-responsive and tolerant to physical pain, and I'm also less sensitive to heat and cold. Partly because of that, I have tendency to accidentally injure myself, and I have to plan and prepare for the weather, to know if I'm underdressed or overdressed for conditions.

And the touch thing is one of those factors that makes me feel more like maybe this doesn't really match me. Because I keep hearing or reading that people with Asperger's and autism hate touch and don't like being hugged, but I LOVE touching and hugging, and getting the same in return. I crave it, and the more pressure, the better. This came as a surprise to me in high school and college, because my family are all very affection-avoidant and seem to respond negatively to it, but I've learned I'm a real romantic and very affectionate person.

I want to hold hands and be close with another person who I like. It also helps me "read" that person. If there's physical closeness, then it feels like there's a greater level of emotional closeness also, and if I can touch (and smell) other people, then it makes it easier to learn that much more about them and what they're feeling or thinking.

Which is another thing. I know people on the spectrum are supposedly unable to read others and lack empathy. I'm a sensitive and caring person who can "read between the lines" better than a lot of people. Some of the only cues I seem unable to read are verbal irony and deceitfulness. Sarcastic people amuse me, and I them, because I can't always tell when somebody is joking or not or lying or not, but am more likely to take things seriously and literally. But on the other hand, I have to be careful of purposefully hurtful and manipulative persons.

Otherwise, I can tell very quickly if a person is happy or sad, or scared or anxious, or if they're attracted to/interested in another person (or me) or not, and so on and so forth. I can generally tell these things without even the other person coming out and saying anything or having to ask, but it's not entirely "natural," since I wasn't always this way. It's an interpersonal skill I've learned and honed throughout my life.

The only problem is if there's a lack of visual cues, which might explain why I have trouble with humor, since it's supposedly more in the sound of the person's voice. So if I'm talking on the phone with somebody, it makes me nervous that I can't see them, so I prefer to have conversations in person. Sunglasses also bother me, since I need eye contact, which is another area where I don't seem to match the "stereotype." I'm not gaze avoidant at all, except of authority figures, who make me uneasy. In general, I need to look people in the eyes often, to make sure they're paying attention to me and hearing what I'm saying and tell from their facial cues what they're feeling and thinking.

This, however, can cause another difficulty, that when I've actually come across diagnosed "aspies," I found I share more in common with them than I do with most other people, but I've been trying to apply what I know about social interaction and body language and so on with them, and finding that it doesn't always work, and I might make the wrong assumptions or conclusions that would more likely be right with a "neurotypical."

Some more things, I seem to process memory differently from most people. I have a HUGE "database," for lack of a better term, and near-photographic memory. I have entire books, films, and music albums memorized, and other people are always amazed by this and think I'm lying or exaggerating until I actually demonstrate it, but my short-term memory and attention span are both very low. So if somebody tells me something, I might forget it several minutes later. I can even forget what I'm doing while in process.

On top of memory issues, I have a poor sense of direction, speed, and distance. This makes driving very difficult, and I try to avoid driving when possible. I frequently get lost any time I have to go to a new location, because I don't have the stored visual memory to go off of, and can't really find my way around otherwise. When I was young, my memory, combined with my attention, combined with directional problems meant I could possibly wander off and get lost if left unattended, so I think my family was over-protective of me because of that along with a few other reasons.

Um, I think that's about everything. Thanks for reading if you made it through all of that, and I'm glad a place like this is on the web.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Actually, your pointing out that you like to be touched is actually an indication of Aspergers--we tend to take stuff way to literally--and make exactly these types of points. A neurotypical is likely to just sweep it under the rug and not mention it--only mentioning the stuff that supports their conclusion.

You indicated you were ALMOST diagnosed at 6. Why weren't you? Did the doctors give a reason why they did not/could not give you the diagnosis then? They may have made a mistake, that is entirely possible. But if they didn't, and you truly didn't qualify for a diagnosis as a child, then perhaps it is something causing your symptoms?

Oh, maybe I worded that wrong. I meant that I could have been possibly diagnosed if I had been officially diagnosed, but my family didn't want that to happen because they were fearful of the consequences, so it never happened. Some type of assessment at school apparently had shown I had certain difficulties, and the consensus of the teacher and school counselor was that I could be potentially mild Asperger's or high-functioning autistic, so it was recommended to my parents to see a real child psychologist for diagnosis. I had once demonstrated selective mutism and did something like the hand thing but a little different; I don't know exactly how to describe it. My family was always looking for medical explanations for anything "different" about me growing up, and I learned quickly to modify my behavior and become a "good student," since I was high functioning and highly intelligent anyway, so I remember it was like I eventually "flew under the radar."

I believe now that I probably met at least the minimal criteria in childhood, but I've grown and developed a lot since then, so that's why I'm having some questions while learning about all of this now. I didn't even know that traits or characteristics I had early in life, or still continue to now, had anything to do with this syndrome or spectrum, so it's all new information to me. I can manage on my own in life and am relatively successful, but some things like handling relationships, work, performance anxiety, and emotional control still give me trouble, so I'm thinking about getting professional help, and I've been wondering after everything I've learned if this could be an explanation for my differences.

By the way, my AQ is supposed to be 30. Is that low or high? I noticed some people putting that or the other test results in their signatures.

Howdy, Brony2011.

An AQ of 30 is generally pretty high -- according to the scale, 80% of those adults with autism or another related disorder had 32 or above, which means you're, perhaps, say, borderline?

Do keep in mind that I'm no psychologist, so my views should be taken with at least a grain of salt.

Well, that's all I know. Hope it's helped.

Welkome to WP

Mick

Thanks all for the welcomes.

Sorry for dragging this thread up again. Not trying to draw attention to myself, but I've been thinking about this more lately, and I feel like I still don't have all my answers but still have some questions.

The more I've studied up on this subject and frequented the forum, the more I see how not everything I knew or thought I knew in the past about Asperger's and autism is entirely accurate, and I've noticed how much I can relate to my own life or personal experiences, but there still seem to be some differences. For example, in all the different tests (I enjoy tests), my scores ended up fairly higher or lower, accordingly, than the average neurotypical, but not as high or low as the average scores for those with Asperger's/HFA.

Okay, so here's everything about myself psychologically and behaviorally plus what else I've discovered about myself since I've been on here:

I have mild social anxiety/phobia and very mild dyspraxia. I have those problems officially, yet I've been managing both much better in recent times than in the past and have learned to deal with or overcome most issues when I need to do so. I've been depressed before, but I don't meet the criteria for having any mood disorder. I have traits and characteristics in common with both ADHD and OCD, but not nearly significantly enough to meet either of those diagnoses.

I also have mild "face blindness." I can almost always register that I've seen a person before, but I don't always know when or where, so if I think I'm supposed to know somebody, I just fake it.

Out of everything I've learned is related to the autism spectrum, a mixture of both hypersensivity and hyposensitivity in different areas of sensation and perception are what I personally exhibit most severely.

As a child, I couldn't tie my shoes, I had trouble reading clocks, I "hand flapped" as well as other forms stereotypy/stimming, and I once briefly showed "selective mutism," at the same time as being highly intelligent and having advanced verbal skills, but not knowing how to communicate and interact well with same-age peers, so I almost never had any friendships (all the way until high school and college, actually). However, I changed my visible behavior and started doing well in school by about ages 8 and 9.

Currently, I've honestly been going through one of the roughest times in my life, which is part of why I want to seek some personal help and why I've been looking to the internet for help as well, but I've found myself lately reverting back to my more "natural" self in some ways. I'm living at home for now, and I got really upset the other day over something one of my parents had done, so I was suddenly pacing in circles, flapping my hands down at my sides, and then realized what I was doing is what I know as "stimming," and I stopped myself because it freaked me out a little.

Yet one question I've gotten based on everything I know now and comparing that to my own case is since most of my "signs and symptoms" seem to have lower intensity and severity than what's common or average, is there another explanation? More specifcally, do people without autism/Asperger's stim and hand flap and so on? Or is it simply more probable and simpler/easier to attribute my differences and difficulties to being on the spectrum?

Also, I still don't fully understand the difference between PDD-NOS and Asperger's or which would more closely fit me.