I've been in and out of therapy my whole life... So I guess I'll start from the beginning.
My mom is totally insane. She's happy one second then having a tantrum the next. Growing up with her, she pretty much denied everything that happened to me. I think it's due to her being "different" and being teased in school. I'm over weight, and she always ALWAYS tells me how she doesn't like my weight and doesn't want me to be teased, not any concern for my health, it's all socially. I'm not a social person. I'm just not. I have two friends, and I call them "friends by default". They're my boyfriend's friends' girlfriends. Our relationship was forced in the beginning. I didn't have friends growing up. My mom knew something was wrong but was in denial the entire time, so getting real help wasn't available. She'd send me to a therapist to be evaluated, the moment the therapist talks about her involvement in my life she freaks out, and we never go back. It's almost like she feels it's her fault that I am the way I am, Asperger's or not, I'm different.
To begin with me I'll break it into sections:
Food, I'm an extremely picky eater. I hate my food to touch. I don't like my meat over cooked unless it's chicken. I eat green beans, broccoli, mushrooms from a can, onions, chicken, ground beef, steak, apple slices, grapes every now and then, and strawberries. I do occasionally eat bananas. That's pretty much it as far as fresh food goes... I do eat pizza (depends on the brand specifically) and macncheese (again, depends on brand). I'll get stuck on one food and eat it until I'm sick of it, then never touch it again. Right now I'm on a kraft mac'n'cheese kick, I've eaten it for breakfast/lunch every day for two weeks. Dinner is usually whatever my boyfriend can sneak on my plate. This food issue doesn't drive me crazy like it does my family. Nick, the boyfriend, doesn't care. I have another issue with being able to see my plate. I HAVE to be able to see my food, so dim lighting drives me nuts when we eat out or even at home. I use mostly disposable plates and cups and silverware. The thought of something touching my dishes before my food makes me freak out. Because of my food problems one psychologist diagnosed it as OCD, but it's only with food.
clothes I hate tight clothes. I'll be fine outside, but if I come home I have almost a panic attack if I wear shoes on carpet. I feel like I can't breathe. I walk in the door and before the door is shut my shoes are off, then my pants come off and I take off my over shirt (I always wear a tank top under my shirts). I can't wear socks for too long without my anxiety increasing. When I go to bed my feet have to stick out and I cover my entire body tightly with 4 blankets, I even cover my head (except my mouth, I sort of wrap a blanket around the top part of my head, I know it's kind of weird. Lol). So another psychologist diagnosed claustrophobia.
School I have a hard time reading. My eyes jump lines, I can't read one line at a time. I absolutely suck at math, too. I'm always counting on my fingers and second guessing myself. I just don't understand math. Unless if the steps are side by side with my math problem I can't do it. I need to follow the procedure step by step, going back and forth between steps. I notice patterns in everything. It's just hard to explain. When I try to explain it people think I'm neurotic. The same psychologist who diagnosed OCD diagnosed Dyslexia. I do well in school of my books are on audio cassettes. I just can't do homework unless it's 100% silent in my house.
Socially I grew up feeling alone and isolated, I'm pretty sure I put myself by myself and was my worst critic and people weren't talking about me calling me weird and avoiding me and hating me. I'm not nearly as bad as I was as a child after some self examining and trying to make myself more confident. I do not like to be touched. I want to hug my boyfriend and I do (just to clarify, he's actually my fiance, we've been together 4 years as of last week) but when we hug or he hugs me and I'm not expecting it I get really panicky for some reason. I also don't like when he kisses me, or holds me in bed, mostly due to his beard it just downright hurts! And I know it doesn't hurt thatttt bad, but to me it's the most painful thing. When we kiss I feel like I'm suffocating. In the car, no matter WHOSE car, I have to keep the radio off. I need complete silence in a car or I feel my anxiety rising. I can't go to loud places. My last psychologist just told me it's all in my head. Little things just irritate me to the point of anger. I've been trying not to freak and try to breathe, but it doesn't always work.
I talk a ton, obviously. So much that when I talk to someone they barely get a chance to talk. Our conversations always end on an awkward stare contest.
I think that's it...
Please tell me I'm not insane, and I'm not alone. To be diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, Dyslexia, Claustrophobia, Anxiety w/Panic Attacks, and PTSD, all by multiple doctors, psychologists, and family. Something's just not adding up. I'm looking for ONE diagnosis, not 20.
18 Jan 2012, 8:36 pm
I also cry a ton. At the drop of a hat I'll cry, all the way down to missing my left shoe.
