I'm Litzah, I'm new on here. :.)

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Hi guys,

I am sorry, this is a bit long. I hope I don't rant too much.

I'm Litzah, I'm 29. I'm originally from France but I live in Ireland. I have quite a happy, functional life now I suppose, but it wasn't always the case. As a child I did not exactly respond to stimuli or smile at my parents, so a doctor suggested I might be autistic. My parents kind of brushed it off, and at the same time they didn't, as it changed the way they were with me. They never sought diagnosis or help of any kind, I think they were scared, and a bit ashamed. However they kept on comparing me to other kids and in doing so, they found I was very, very different. My parents used to blame me for that difference. They used to blame me, for instance, for being "shy". But I knew shy people, and what I felt was beyond that. I hated people, scorned them, could not understand them, failed to read social situations, felt like people were somehow speaking a different language than my own though I spoke French like them. Eye contact was near impossible also. My other great struggles were always coordination and sense of direction, sense of space, I am profoundly dyspraxic, and to this day it takes me a huge effort to do anything manual like DIY or driving. I also struggled with sensitivity to sound, what I used to call "noise fits". These disappeared at the age of 17.

I am rather similar to my father though, in many ways. He isn't the most functional socially either, he'd go off on long monologues about himself, failing to realise that others could not listen to his rants for ever. He has a profound dislike of people, refuses to engage in social situations. In many ways, he is simply a quirk and an intellectual. Whether he is different through personality or because of something on the autism spectrum, I do not know. My cousin on my father's side is eight years younger than I and she displays the same quirky intellectual personality as my dad, more coordination problems than anyone would believe possible and is absolutely not functioning in society, I was always the most sociable on earth in comparison to her, even when my own "symptoms" were worse.

The whole idea that I might have "something" like autism was brushed off quickly by my parents, as I said. I got blamed for it a lot. As a teen I made friends with an adult who suggested my parents were the ones with the problem for blaming me like this, and this comment of hers hugely helped. I am now mostly sociable, am what I would call a good "actress". I act NT through most social situations, because I want to survive in society, not because I am like them. I feel "on the other side of things", like there is an invisible screen between me and them. Sometimes, this acting exhausts me so much I can't face people for weeks on end. I am a professional writer, and I guess in many ways this invisible screen gave me a lot of my literary consciousness: I felt like the witness, the observer, and it's kind of good to be on this other side.

Childhood was rotten, adulthood is OK most of the time. I don't really have any autistic friends. My NT friends tend to be on the quirky, intellectual side, and they love I am a mega quirk. Only about two friends know that I might have something like autism.

A few months ago I was hired to do some commission writing for a TV soap opera in Ireland. Each scriptwriter was working in pairs with another writer. I was with this girl who wanted to write about the struggles of a character with Aspergers Syndrome. I hated the idea, it felt too close to home, I felt I would hate writing about this, as it would feel like writing about me. Unfortunately the producers were mad for the idea, they thought it was just great, and they sent the whole team off to research Aspergers as much as we could. It was like looking in the fecking mirror. These people's stories, of how they were socially, in school or with their family, were exactly like my own in so many ways it was scary. I kept on praying I wouldn't have to write about this though. Luckily, we were writing for a teem of teenage actors, and the actress who was cast in the AS part was only 15 and had never heard of Aspergers. She started researching her part too, and actually did a great job at acting some of the scenes we wrote for her, but the Drama coach on the project said he felt she would not be mature enough as an actress, being so young, to keep AS up for a whole main part. Eventually, we dropped the storyline altogether. Since then, I am doing even more research, and here I am on here.

This looks like a great site. This year, I will seek professional diagnosis for certain. Not that it will change my present life, but it will help me make sense of the past, maybe. I need the official bit of paper. Whether I have AS or not, this planet, to me, is often the wrong one, and I am delighted, though nervous, to write on here for the first time.

So yeah, that's me! I'll probably be my awkward, AS self on here a lot, but hey, don't we all at times. Litzah.

Hello, this is a fun place to be.

Hello Shrox!

It looks cool alright! Nice to meet you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome

Welcome.

Thanks guys!

Welcome to WP!

Welkome to WP

Mick

Hi Litzah. Welcome to WP.



Nah, it's OK. You seem to lead an interesting life, so I'm happy to listen.



Wow, that must be a stretch! Did you move with your parents or did you move on your own? And how are you finding the Republic of Ireland?



Glad to hear it.



Do you still not get sensitivity to sound - i.e. loud, sharp, piercing noises? It's not easy to get around.



It's not nice to be made to feel like you are 'defective' in some way.



I'm glad to hear that.



Do you feel as though you're going through life 'acting' rather than really living?



There's a lot worse places to be than an observer, you know.



They will definitely exist, even in Ireland. If you live in or near Dublin, they should be much easier to find than if you live deep in culchie-land.



I suppose it's fairly easy to guess which one it is? If that's the case, I've seen bits of it whilst on holiday in Northern Ireland.



It must have been terrible not being able to tell them as you must have felt like it would have been "Game Over".



Do they know other autistic people, by which I mean that they may be able to make some sort of comparison?



I bet you breathed a huge sigh of relief when that news came through!



Thank you. We're a fairly decent bunch on here.



Just try to be careful that it doesn't hinder your life in other ways.



You sound like a fascinating personality.



Look forward to seeing you around for sure. Welcome on in. Kettle's boiling.

Aw, thanks for the welcome and the message!



Jee, I don't know about THAT. If you ever get fed up though, just tell me to shut up please. Talking of social clues, this Aspie has NO IDEA as to when to shut up.




Moved on my own. I felt I needed to move far from my parents, because of the things I said about being misunderstood. I find Ireland very friendly. The Irish are not as judgmental if you are "different", I find. The French are very judgmental of differences, and even when I do go home on holidays, I feel like friends and family are in my face all the time. Ireland is safer.




I don't know if what I felt was due to AS but I would get engrossed in repetitive sounds, like a clock ticking for instance. I'd hear the clock and next thing my mind would be stuck into that sound and you could talk to me, I would not be able to hear you. You would be background noise, and background noise became my consciousness' main focus. Next thing the sound in question would sound like it was growing louder and louder as well as faster and faster, until it was so fast it felt like one loud, continuous note. It was like that sound came over me, under me, through me until I became the sound at the expense of having a body and mind of my own. These noise fits started as far back in my past as I can remember, got really bad between ages 13-15, and started subsiding after that. I suppose that even though I had heard that a doctor once said I might be autistic, there was no Internet in those days, and I didn't know autistic people had problems with cognition, I did not know why I had that. Never could figure out WHAT triggered those noise fits.

A few months before my eighteenth birthday, I had the worse fit in my life. My parents were invited by friends to spend the Christmas holidays in this big castle like house in central France. These friends loved me and said I HAD TO COME. They knew I had a boyfriend at the time and thought maybe I didn't want to be separated from him during Christmas so they said they would invite him too as long as I came. I didn't mind the invitation but was uncomfortable with my boyfriend being there. I really am a lesbian and was only with him because I was trying to "fit in", by being straight. Not very bright, I know. He was much older than me and expected to have sex with me someday. Thus far I had used the fact I was younger than him as an excuse to never stay overnight at his place, and he couldn't stay at mine since I lived at my parents' at the time. My parents'friends were actually really attentionate, and gave us a "choice of rooms" to sleep in in the castle like place, it's not like they assumed we had sex and pushed us into one room, but I felt I had to play the good, NT girlfriend I suppose and agreed to share that room. I don't want to get too graphic being new on here but long and short is, I still managed not to have sex with him but the whole thing was putting me under loads of pressure. The friends of my parents were really this white man with his mixed raced wife, and the castle belonged to that guy's dad. Now the guy's dad was super racist and HATED his son's wife, so there was loads of SHITE going on with racist stuff thrown at her when we were there too, which didn't help me feel safe. The racist man was rarely around though and I didn't meet him at first, though I heard he had insulted his son's wife in this way and that. But one day, racist man paid us all a flying visit. He made the creepiest impression on me, he really scared me. He shook my hand and said hello, I said "hello" too but found him so scary my "hello" was a whisper. Turns out old man was a bit deaf, and started stating I was very rude for a 17 year old, and didn't I know how to say hello. Worse, he didn't tell me this in the face, he turned to his son and said: "see how the girl WOULDN'T even say hello to me, how rude." My own dad knew I was about to burst. I left the room and he followed. We came to one of the bedrooms and my dad sat on the bed. The bed creeked, and I got caught up in that sound for ever, it took a full three hours for me to be completely all right again, it was the worse. Before this incident, my parents knew I had them fits but they had never seen one. This time, they could connect it with me feeling under attack in a social situation. My mother, who usually tended to call me "mad" and not care at all I might have been autistic, sat down with me that night and had me recall all the times I had had fits: always in situations when I was trying my hardest to act an NT part and the pretense exploded in my face. I realised that that night, and dimly felt I'd never have a fit again. And I never did. Somehow, words had made it better. I found out two years ago my father used to have the exact same fits as I when he was a little boy, but never told me to not scare me. His stopped when he was 10.

If it weren't for these cognitive problems, I would never have suspected anything on the autism spectrum, I would just have thought I was this mega quirk.



Definitely. I don't think I've EVER really lived, even at my most happy, spontaneous moments. Realizing I might have something on the autism spectrum has helped though. Parts of me is scared to get a diagnosis in case I don;t have AS or anything like it. What if I am just a quirky NT? So many things from my past would fall back into darkness then.


I guess.
I've never really argued my place in the world, weird as this place seems to be. I am the kind to think things are what they are. No point in arguing. as long as I function enough, am not bullied as I used to be and feel some sense of comfort and worth.



I don;t want to say where I am as Ireland is too small and I don;t want to be found out under my real identity. I live in a medium sized town, not Dublin. I recently just met a girl I strongly suspect of being AS. Common friends told me she seems to open up to me more than to anyone else. I think it's a case of recognizing your own. I am happy I met her but she is more autistic than me and I don't want to push a friendship in case it freaks her out. We'll see.



That soap wouldn't exactly have fired me if they'd found out I had AS, that would have been discrimination, right? I do think they respected me in there. But trouble was, they seemed to be fascinated by "difference". One of the ladies who worked there kept on wanting to write about lesbian characters, and said she would "have given anything to know what lesbians felt". She asked me if I was married and I found myself telling her I had a boyfriend. No way was she knowing I was a lesbian, it would have been twenty questions for the sake of a script. I didn't feel like being the monkey in a zoo because of AS, I have been a museum specimen all through school already.



One of these friends who know has a nephew who has AS. He is the one who suggested I might have AS in the first place. He reckons his nephew and I are the exact same, personality wise, to the point that it is uncanny. His nephew is diagnosed with AS.
The other friend is a common friend of myself and the other girl I met who seems to have AS. She had heard of the condition, and of autism, of course, but knows little about it. She is a pretty good listener though, and a very understanding person. I wouldn't have told her if I didn't think she was. She didn't know that the other girl might have AS. I told her of my suspicions and why I suspected for the other girl. My friend said it seemed to make sense, knowing the both of us.



I've already been through so much I think things can only get better. And because I think that, they will. But if I DON'T have AS, then the past will look strange again, as abovementioned.



Thanks for the warm welcome, I am SOOOOOO grateful! Needless to say, plucking up the courage to write that first post was daunting. But hey, I guess it might be the case for loads of people on here.

Anyway, enough about me (I NEED to SHUT UP, NOW!) lol. What do you do, who are you, what are you, if I may ask? x Litzah.

Writing scripts for TV shows - even ones watched only on an island with a small population as Ireland - is an interesting character. There has to be something there to begin with, which has to be more than most.



If I do, I'll probably just stop talking as I have nothing more to add. I won't just tell someone to "shut up".



Have you never noticed people looking around, or stopping speaking? In real-life situations, that may help but of course by that point you've already gone too far.



Got it. Did you have any other connections to Ireland? I've been to Northern Ireland a few times but I have no real connections with the Province apart from the fact that relatives have served there.



Understood.



This sounds like a little like parts of Britain in a way.



Yes, I've heard that the French (and the Spanish) have a very intolerant view of autistics/people with Asperger's.



Yup, Ireland's a fairly safe place.



Got it. Did you have an obsessive personality to begin with?



I really hate it when people say you must come to X gathering. It's worse when you know that you'll get there, you'll be miserable the entire time and also that you just can't wait to leave. Sometimes one has the benefit of alcohol to take the edge off it but the result is still, essentially, the same.



I see? Is French society somewhat homophobic on the matter?



I take it that you kept it from him that you were not straight?



You probably already know this already but the correct phrase is 'attentive'.



I'm sorry to hear that. Pressurised sex doesn't sound at all fun - the guy must have seen something in you, though.



Some French people seem to have blatantly racist attitudes that simply wouldn't be tolerated here in Britain.

The FN, for instance, is far, far more popular in France than its equivalent (the BNP) is in Britain but I suspect you know this already.



I'm sorry. That visit sounds like an absolute nightmare for you.



I think a lot of the trouble you probably had was trying to be something that you clearly weren't rather than all the other bits. It is that that has caused you all the mental stress, though even in Ireland you seem to have to keep this up to some - probably less - degree than in France.



Do you still have them? Are all your difficulties now around the autism spectrum or do they 'bleed' into other areas too?





That's sad, that you feel like this. That said I think a lot of people with Asperger's feel the same way.



You can do unofficial tests online if you like; that may help to put you at ease a little.



Do you have a special someone, a girlfriend perhaps, that can give you that sense of worth?



Fair enough. The island is not that small a place geographically... but socially it most certainly is.



Got it. I won't push you any more as I understand why you may wish to remain pseudonymous.



Take it slowly and see what happens.



They may well have found another 'excuse' with which to fire you - i.e. they wouldn't have fired you because you had AS but you also wouldn't know the real reason why they fired you. So you took the best course of action that was open to you at the time, I think.



Perhaps because they think that it makes good television for Irish audiences. People like sensationalism you know, and an Irish soap opera is no different.



Did they bother featuring online LGBT forums? I think the problem though is that, as you say, if scriptwriters come here and try to take characters from people here it can end up making people feel like they are in a laboratory. Not nice.



This refers to my comment above. I try to avoid dealing with the media at all costs.



I see.



Ah, OK. I understand.

There might be Irish Asperger's forums and societies you can take a look at? I definitely remember seeing some.



No problem.



It's a very big step for most people to be able to do this, to feel like this, to be able to share this character trait with the world if you like.



It is.



I am much worse than you when I introduce myself! While you are verbose, I am almost silent! Getting me to talk about myself is like attempting to extract blood from a stone.

I'm Paul, I'm 23 and I live in beautiful rural Lancashire in the UK (OK, that's a bit of an exaggeration - I live in a fairly peaceful small town but it's near the "beautiful rural Lancashire" I describe).

I was diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of three so I have always known I have had it and that I have grown up with it if that makes sense. I went to primary school until I was around 11, whereupon I was removed from school and home educated from thereon in. I developed my interests from there. I am chubby to put it mildly! I'm single and straight.

I have had lots of interests/obsessions over the years (one of which is Northern Ireland, strangely enough) but I have never been able to put these to good use. I have considerable difficulties with both social and self-help/independence skills and in that sense I remain at home with my parents and probably will for the foreseeable future. Basically, my development has always been very uneven - I am quite good at some things but not so much good at others.

I don't work; I am on various disability and incapacity benefits here in the UK that are currently up for review.

That said, I like to travel (but always with my mother - never alone, as I simply don't have the capacity to do things like this alone) and have been to many different European countries for my age (including the Irish Republic for brief visits). My other interests include photography, politics, good beer (I'm currently drinking an Erdinger Alkoholfrei and I am plan to rectify this with something stronger soon - I used to be big into pubs and real ales but dropped the interest with the current trend to prohibitionism here in the UK, plus the lack of good places to drink), books as well as the Internet and various other hobbies. I run a Flickr photostream (at http://www.flickr.com/photos/lancashire/), which might help to give a further flavour of my interests in photography in general and travel photography in particular.



Looking forward to speaking to you more soon.

Hey again!

Sorry for the slight delay, I was busy failing my driving test for the millionth time. Dyspraxia is a b***h. Sure there's always next time. This is getting like a really complex post with all the quotes and things, so I'll write two posts, one answering your questions, and one responding to the things you say about you.

Thanks.



Thank GOD for that. I find everyone here is really nice generally. Seems to include you too.



Yep, I systematically notice people looking around and rolling their eyes. But as you said, by then, it means I've gone too far. No idea WHEN to stop before I get the reaction. I can decipher the reaction though. I CAN do innuendos and subtext, otherwise I couldn't do scriptwriting as there's a LOT of that in scriptwriting. However I firmly believe I am the only one who understands innuendos. Therefore, I start off saying something that is not a hundred per cent explicit. Next thing I explain to you what I meant though you totally got it. Next thing I rephrase it a third time. I have taught in the past and I'm a great teacher, the worse the student, the better I am, since I have to rephrase everything all the time. Good students always seemed to resent me. The worse is, the more I like someone, the more I want to be sure to be sure to be sure he understands me, the more I rephrase stuff. What is helping me breaking those habits is looking at my possibly Aspie dad go on, and on, and on, and on, people YAWN in his face he never gets it. I joked with him I needed to buy a wee flag and flash it at him the second I perceive how bored people are at the stuff he says. Pity I'm not so good at social cues when I'm the one in the conversation. Sure I can't multitask: HAVE a conversation and LOOK at you at the same time???? NO WAY!




I didn't know about Spain but it makes sense. I have a friend there, she is definitely NOT AS but she is a bit different from "the norm" whatever that is. A bit artsy, different priorities from her family and social circle... A lot of people turned against her for it. She is one of those NTs who likes me because I couldn't give two hoots how different she is.



Yes, but not in the same way as with those sounds. I have two types of obsessions: obsessions around my special interests: I get very peculiar about details related to them, I study them in the deepest depth and if ANYONE gets some detail about them wrong, it really grates and I have to correct them, no matter how socially inept this might make me look. I have also obsessions related to deep fears. As a child I had a deep fear of breaking objects, including a phobia of scratching an LP, you know the old records, and that the music track would jump or crack. This fear of breaking objects was in fact a fear of death, the death of the object. I used to hate people and believe objects had souls. Objects and I, full conversations. I wouldn't talk to other children but my knife and fork always had deeply fascinating dialogues. Objects were my allies, my friends. A defective object or a broken one was suffering, and I would try and fix them. For a while, I got obsessed with making coffins for broken objects: scratched LPs, broken or damaged toys, broken mugs and glass. My special interest at the time was religious ritual. I knew everything about rituals from all sorts of ancient, polytheistic religions, and I would invent my own religions and rituals. Each object would have a religious burial.

Now, my greatest fear is to say the wrong thing. Since I have grown older and have much more self confidence, I get to do great artsy stuff with my life, writing and music. I get concerts, publications, etc. Sometimes, I am so happy I get a bit boastful I guess. And next thing I hate myself for having been boastful over a publication. I remember the child I used to be who had no self confidence and feel like I have betrayed her. If I said something to someone about how I am doing great things artistically these days, the thought I said these things and boasted grates on me. For example, back in October I told a colleague from that soap that I had this amazingly high profile concert coming up. Next thing I felt ashamed of boasting and now, every time I am unwell I remember the exact sentence I told him and feel like he must so hate me for it. I'd say he's too NT to care about me at all, but I can't help the awful thought.

Now when I would get engrossed in a sound, it felt more like this was a chemical reaction my brain was having when it felt overwhelmed by social interactions. These sounds were not my special interest, nor did they cause me fear. The three worse sounds for me were beds and chairs screeching, erasers on paper (awful during exams) and clocks ticking. But clocks are not my special interest, I may talk to my knife but can affirm clocks have no conversation, and are neutral to me, one way or the other. I don't have a phobia of chairs, so I think these noise fits stemmed from something more chemical, probably associated with psychology/situations.



French society is improving a lot, but is still somewhat homophobic of male homosexuality. For lesbians, it is more that they are not supposed to exist. The French don't conceive of a sexuality that does not involve male genitals, it is a very macho, male centered society, I find. Lesbians get TOTALLY misunderstood because of that. How would you not want a man, like? It is worse for lesbians who have never had sex with a man. I would be one of those. I have had girlfriends (well... one really) but had sex with her. I am still a virgin because "she's female, she does't count" We were together for one year and had a profound relationship that was also sexual, but she doesn't count. Kinda hurtful really. Imagine a lesbian with autism then, it's like not existing twice, in a NT world. I think I like men too, and would have been bisexual had it not been for French society. I got bullied so much for not liking men my rather rigid mindset developed a TOTAL OBSESSION over HAVING THE MORAL DUTY TO NEVER BE STRAIGHT, in order TO BEAT THE BULLIES. It is an Aspie type obsession. I would break it if I could, I don't think I can. It would take more than a male prince charming, it would take a God for me to overcome that one.



Of course! Poor guy, when I think back, like. He WAS a lovely guy. I always found great guys when pretending to be straight. Really unfair on them.


I'm sorry, my English sometimes gets funny. It IS my second language after all!



He probably just saw Aspergers. Now I know more about the condition, and thinking back, I would have serious doubts about him. He remembered all the key dates of Roman history but panicked if you tried to shake hands with him, and though I was his girlfriend, it took me three months to realize he had blue eyes, because he never made eye contact at all.



And though attitudes to homosexuality are improving, I think the French are getting more and more racist as time passes.



I think the other bits were the trigger. There was always a trigger. For a noise fit to start, two things needed to happen: 1) I pretended I was something I was not and 2) something really upset me. Another serious fit I had when I was 15, I was on winter camp with the scouts. Loads of teenage girls together discussing men, being normal boring teenagers listening to crap music, and I felt I HAD to look like I liked the same things to survive and not be bullied. In fact, I was secretly in love with a girl from the group, older, very much into men, very cold and not a nice person, though she was gorgeous looking. I should have known better, but sure. After a week of pretending I was JUST LIKE THEM ALL, which was exhausting, I found out the girl I loved was about to move to England for studies reasons. I wouldn't see her again, or at least not as often, I was in France. Next thing, a noise fit.



Had no fits since that time with the friends of my parents when I was 17. But to be honest, the whole world knows I'm a lesbian, I am almost as open a book in real life as I may look on here, I don't pretend ever, even if it makes me look worse rather than better (people pretend to look better, I just don't try and play those games, too NT to my taste). Wouldn't say I'm thrilled I might be on the spectrum, but I can't say I'm too in love with "normality" either. I have created a character around those differences. I live in a very Catholic part of Ireland, am surrounded by the most heterosexual, white, homogeneous community you can think of. They all know I'm a lesbian, even the priest at that point. They tell me I'm weird, they laugh, but not AT me. They actually seem to LIKE that I am bringing something non homogeneous to their community. Last year I felt suicidal and terrible I posted on Facebook I was "unwell" (Facebook is no place to discuss suicide, like). They all started inviting me out, phoning me up, and when it did get too much because I can only stand company up to a certain point, I told them and they gave me the space I needed. Where I live, community is everything, and my community seems to be accepting of me. I try to be accepting of them. They are too normal to my taste. Girls my age invite me out to straight clubs and sip white wine as they boast on their achievements, I live in a standoffish society too, they're always boasting. But I NEVER try to be like them. I have this mate, she does not know I might have AS but boy does she perceive I'm different. She LOVES it when I come to these parties with the girls, because I'd stand there with the same glass of wine for the whole evening (I don't drink, really), will listen to the most heterosexual stories and to girls saying: "But you are SUPPOSED to feel this way when your man kisses you!" and such like. Next thing one of them will turn to me and ask me what I think. I will reply: "That's heterosexual talk, not interested, sorry, but don't you mind me." My friend just LOVES those comments of mine. I think as long as I don't try to be like them, the fits will leave me alone. In time, I came to realize those unpleasant fits might be my friends, really. Trying to remind me, you know, that I have limitations and not to push it the NT way.

I am dyspraxic. I don't know if it's a result of a possibly very high IQ, or of AS. As I mentioned, failed my driving test for like the third time. I am driving three years now and spent nearly 3000 Euros on lessons. It will be a LONG ROAD still. I do have a good instructor. However, I am the kind of person, when I see a door with "pull" written on it, I push. My cousin, the one who is also on the spectrum but less functional than me, learned to walk when she was like 5. Up until recently (she is now 21), if she had to walk through a door, she'd miss the door and go bang in the wall. So yeah, I'd say it's an autistic thing.

I have depression, possibly due to my condition not being recognized by French society as a child. I would not bore you with my sob story, but I had a poor childhood, really.






What about you? Do you act or live?



I have done those tests but have a basic problem with them. I can do the same test more than once: I am a good learner, very good student, and I learned to mimic the ways of NTs. In my most functional, good acting moments, I get very borderline results. Say NT is anything below 32 and AS anything from 32 to 45, and beyond less functional autism. I'd get 32. If however I am having one of my moments when acting exhausts me, I will score higher on the same questions. I have these moments, for instance, when my brain gets stuck in the idea I should never ever ever have a boyfriend, men are stupid, why would I have sex with a man, it's disgusting. These moments do not strike me because I met an awful guy right now, they strike me randomly when they strike, usually when I am exhausted with acting. Once, I tried to take the test in one of those moments. I fond out then it was not only questions on dating I answered differently, but pretty much everything else too.



Nope, can't find a lesbian in my community. Where I live, they had never seen a lesbian before me. They're lucky, there are worse ambassadors of homosexuality than me. Seriously though, my life balances between two things: I am a singer and a writer. Singing is a very bodily experience. Helps me with my dyspraxia. If I need to be coordinated, say if I need to drive for instance, I sing first and I know I'll drive better then. I always sing before (failing) driving tests. Ah well, I know it works to some extent, I'd fail even worse without it! I believe singing may have helped me with them noise fits too. Through training as a singer, I learned to filter sounds, I guess. Started singing when I was 6. As I said, I resent myself when I boast, but I am said to be an amazing singer. Music is very important in Ireland, and it is through music I became a part of the community I am now in. Writing balances depression problems and AS problems for me. When I feel depressive, I write the darkest, most awful stuff. I find that creating characters that suffer more than me makes me feel better. :.) When I feel obsessive in an AS way, I structure scripts or novels through storyboards. I am certainly not the first person on the spectrum to find that structure, order and rituals deeply reassure me. If I did not write, I would not be functioning at all. I would just hide from people.


You sound like a lovely person. If ever tell you, I will tell you through private message, not on here.

I deleted the quote about the soap by accident, but about that, I have to say something. May sound weird, but I would just like to state and promise I am not on this pretending to have AS so I can write a script. When I first mentioned script writing in my original post, I was like "Oh God, they are going to think I am a double agent to some soap. People have sounded more interested than worried about my experiences with script writing though. As someone who possibly has AS, I have to say I never knew myself whether I was totally in awe and admiring of my colleagues in that soap or if I deeply distrusted them. People who dissect human emotion and turn it into dialogue, dangerous. Thinking back of how I boasted to this colleague in there and how badly that made me feel, all I can think of is that I perceived him as dangerous, (ie, a scriptwriter) and had to boast to defend myself of him. I met some good people in there, but also some really shadowy characters. Writing, after all, is a powerful tool. Anyway, I am not here to tell anyone's story (if I were, I'd have to stop blabbing about mine first, you're right, I am verbose. ) The thing that saved me when I was in that soap is that that soap IS actually my special interest and obsession, has been for six years. If that soap were a person, I would ask him/her to marry me. Unfortunately, soaps rarely marry humans. As I said, didn't tell them I had AS, but if they did not cop on, they are the weird ones. They soon found out I was so a specialist of the soap I remembered full episodes off by heart that aired four years ago, and remembered details of characters and plot better than the scriptwriter who had written them. There was this one lady who always sounded both fascinated and deeply irritated at this in depth knowledge, and I suspect she had her doubts about me, not that it matters of course. Working for and towards my special interest was the most wonderful and yet hardest thing I ever did. The experience only lasted a few moths, thank God. A while longer and they would have had to lock me up.

That's it from me. Now another post about what you say of yourself... Cheerio! Litzah.

For a silent stone, you are not doing too badly for yourself! I've seen your name around other forums too so you seem to be able to speak. You kind of would have to on here though, imagine if you replied to people with totally blank posts?



Until you said that, I thought you were female. I think that was because the word "Tequila" is feminine in French.



I think I went through Lancashire once, on a train. Not that I remember. I know Yorkshire a bit better. I did some work experience, on a farm, in East Yorkshire once (WAS IT East Yorkshire, me and geography, swear to God. )



What was homeschooling like? My father wanted for me to be home schooled even before I was born, because as a possibly Aspie person, school was atrocious to him and he didn't want for me to experience the same. School was AWFUL to me, I was too different from the other children. In a way though, I think it makes me more functional now. If it had only been me (I'm an only child) and Aspie dad teaching me, I would not have known social interaction at all. Who taught you? My parents are both teachers, they were going to do it themselves, and insist on Latin and Ancient Greek. Very geeky education anyhow. Turns out I never learned ancient Greek in school, and was not that brilliant at Latin.



I guess like many people on the spectrum, I have issues with trust. People ARE out to get me, particularly NTs. I will say something VERY STRANGE to you about that, but I am more inclined to trust chubby, very chubby, fat, really heavy or obese people. OK, that's weird, and has nothing to do with anything, but I think I am afraid of people who try to be thin to look glam, because I find they are playing an oversexed game that terrifies me. If I see any bone out of a skinny person, I feel their soul must be dry too. Chubby or very chubby, it's like a teddy bear, it's cute. If I ever indulged the bisexual side and were with a man, he'd be on the big/ very big side. Question of trust. OK, that IS weird. Having said that, I'm just chubby myself. If I met someone with "only" my figure, I'd find her too skinny and wouldn't trust her.



I am SO SORRY to hear about your difficulties! I don't want to generalize in a stupid way, but from what I read on here and other places, it seems males on the spectrum are having more difficulty than females... Any thoughts about that? At least you have nice parents who support you that is so cool. Northern Ireland used to be an obsession of mine some years ago too! The only novel I wrote actually partly takes place during the Troubles! Finished writing it in 2010. Yesterday, I re read an extract for the craic. It needs more correcting, the style is weird at times, at other times it is rather good. One of the characters was really inspired by my social problems. I was reading a passage on her just after having been on Wrong Planet yesterday, and I thought she did sound like someone out of Wrong Planet. Yay, I wrote an Aspie character! Northern Ireland rocks. I hope to move there someday.



Aw the recession and disability benefits. Same problems here. That REALLY angers me.



Yeah I really love to travel too, though I don;t know that it's my special interest. Photography also is a great interest of mine. Had a look at your photos, they are really cool! You NEVER know, you might do something with them yet, either working in touristic promotion thanks to those photos, or in pub promotion. I could JUST IMAGINE making calendars with 12 photos of 12 beers you could find in the one pub, it could look class altogether! Your photos of Spain made me want to go there, so that's a good sign right?

My special interests are foreign languages and soaps. I speak four languages, will learn a fifth one soon. Speaking languages makes me feel strong and functional. If I speak a language fluently some NTs happen not to speak, it makes me feel like I am in control of my own communication. I just LOVE it when I speak a foreign language to a friend in front of others who don't understand. It is my way of proving that if AS is a foreign language to most NTs, I can speak loads of foreign languages too. Foreign language learning is my talent, I learn them uncannily fast.

Soaps are my other special interest, they fascinate me. They are about people who talk to each other in situations. My only chance to get a close look at NTs like they are in an aquarium, and to analyze them at my leisure. I could not stare at them like that in real life, it would be antisocial, but on screen... Sometimes however I lose touch with reality, and soap characters look real to me. That is also why that soap I have worked for, that is my special interest, has done as much good as it has done damage to me over the years.

My other interests are Drama and Acting, as in Theatre. I find it easy as after all, don't I try act NT a lot in life? I think it may become a special interest of mine soon, I am getting obsessed these days. I also love driving, wish I could pass the flipping test though.

I wouldn't say singing and writing are interests of mine, they are my life force, I could not live without them for the reasons mentioned in my previous post.



Yeah me too! It's nice talking to you. Litzah.

Hello there.



From what I can tell, Irish public transport isn't at all what it should be, especially outside the major cities. The situation in Northern Ireland is bad enough.



OK, fine.



This forum is a lot milder than many other web forums, and people's eccentricities and general weirdness are more likely to be tolerated here.



Can you also tell when people are sighing? It's very difficult to tell. Perhaps the best thing to do is to give people a chance to look for an 'out' as it were?



Understood.



It might depend, though - some might get it the first time around. In which case, no worries.



To be honest, the major problem I can see with your constantly rephrasing something is that, depending on your audience, it may very well appear patronising. Intelligent people don't like to be spoon-fed things, as you know.



You could even get it in traffic light colours!



Is eye contact bad for you? It's not great for me, depending on who I'm speaking to at the time.



I'm talking to a Spanish friend on here and she tells me that the Spanish are often intolerant to those people who are different from the norm, who don't "fit in" as it were.



Got it.



Hm...



The problem isn't just the social ineptness but the fact that it can offend/upset people as well. Plus, people don't like to be corrected in casual conversations. They feel like they're being belittled.



Yes, I used to enjoy listening to LPs as a child. Thing was, I often found it a bit difficult to put the record on without making that scratching sound.



So, essentially, you had a fear of dying? Me too. It was horrible. TV closedowns - strangely enough - used to set me off too. I still see that as a sort-of "death" and I was happy when closedowns essentially became no more in the UK.



I find that fascinating. As though these are real, functioning people. I've never done anything like that, though. You seem to have put quite a lot of detail into it, for sure.



The problem with that though is that you'll end up making yourself feel miserable for doing so, and also people who can sense this about you will know how to push your buttons. I can understand where you're coming from as I say wrong things all the bloody time.



You sound as though you're really going places. Good for you.



Are you talking about when your writing material gets published? Well, there's everything to be boastful about! You obviously earn your place, so be proud of what you achieve.



I'm sure she wouldn't mind. She'd be jealous of you. Get to it.



Try not to, alright?



To be fair, though, chairs screeching can be a fairly irritating noise at the best of times.



In Britain, the situation - apart from with Muslim immigrants (who can be extremely homophobic) - is different. Generally the British are tolerant of homosexuality - in law, although the country isn't totally accepting. My point is that most people generally are as long as you don't wave it about in their faces. Of course, though, people who don't like gays still exist.



A bit like the situation in Victorian England, you might say.



"It is all about the penis."



One can imagine what it might be like for bi folk and other people like transgendered and so on and so forth...



Technically I feel that what they are saying is right but, having said that, it's all about how you define virginity, though, rather than other people.



I wouldn't ever say that she doesn't count at all but what they are trying to say is that under their definition of virginity, you haven't lost it. It would be the same if a man and a woman engaged in foreplay but not full sex. It's a clinical way of looking at it and it doesn't really take into account lesbians though.



You must have felt completely invisible.



Sexuality is fluid. You can always change your mind later if you so wish.



But you wouldn't have been straight, though. You'd have been bi. I suppose there would have been even less tolerance of bi ladies than lesbians, mind.



The only comment I can think of is that you are still allowing the people involved in your upbringing to define your sexuality. You like what you like. Men or women in varying amounts.

If you want to meet a nice man, don't try to pretend you're straight. Let him know that you might be bisexual and see how he responds to that.



Your English is infinitely better than my French. Which is totally non-existent.



So what you're trying to say is that he saw a kindred spirit of sorts.



Understood.



There's a difference between blatant racism and disliking the cultural practices of, erm, certain sections of society though.



That must have been terrible for you. Did the lady in question ever find out? I take it that she didn't by that point in any case.



Glad to hear it. Do you believe that they will ever return?



If you can wear your sexuality on your sleeve and not let it get you down, then good for you.



I think the response that you had would have been very different had it been 20 years or so ago. The Republic of Ireland has had a massive secularisation in that time, with the fall of the churches as the main force in Irish society due to all the abuse cases, the Magdalene laundries (you've seen The Magdalene Sisters I take it?) and other things. Ireland is increasingly secular, much like a lot of Great Britain is.



Perhaps they're slightly uncomfortable in that you're not one of them but they don't necessarily feel threatened by it? That you're a black sheep that they're happy to have around and not kick out? Just a thought.



Good for them.



Do you actually enjoy being out with them? I don't mean this in a "trying to fit in" way, but as a sort of obligation to try to appear more normal and in tune? It must be quite difficult, feeling that you have not much in common with people. I don't know how far you are from Dublin or other major Irish cities but there will almost certainly be lesbian clubs that you could go to in order to feel more at home? Or, better yet, you could do both at the same time.

If you don't drink, you're probably better off not trying to, as you'll just look awkward. Are there not alcoholic drinks you might like? If you tell me what flavours you like in ordinary life, I may well be able to line something up for you. Belgian fruit beers might be your thing?



Me too. Very.



Why would being clumsy be because of your intelligence quotient? I don't see the connection here. I'm bemused.



And driving in Ireland isn't a cheap business... it's even more expensive than in Great Britain (Northern Ireland is more expensive than Great Britain) I believe? Petrol costs used to be fairly cheap in the Republic too. When I was in the Canary Islands last week for instance, petrol was over €0.70 cheaper per litre than in the UK. Cost in Tenerife per litre was around €0.93 - in Britain it's more like €1.64.



I'm forever doing that too. My brain just doesn't at any point seem to register it. Sometimes I maniacally try to push the door until I read the "PUSH" sign and my brain kicks in. Then I feel like a moron.



OK, understood.



I act a lot too although I try to do both. I don't really like who I am but I don't know how to change things.



Oh?



To me, it pretty much sounds as though you're autistic. I'm not a doctor or anything but I'm fairly sure you'll qualify based on what you've said here.



I don't know where you live in the Republic but have you thought of going a little further afield? I understand that if you live on the Aran Islands, or in rural County Kerry or up in the wilds of County Donegal then that may be rather difficult to do.



I'm sure that's an exaggeration. The ones who were there probably lived very repressed lives though. Such was the hold of the Roman Catholic church in Irish life.



What do you sing?



I would love to hear you sing.



You sound very, very talented. I'm jealous.



Understood. A county would probably be enough. I have my own idea but I'm probably completely wrong. The county I'm thinking of borders Northern Ireland, if that helps.



I never thought you were. That said, though, the sorts of people who do come on places like this wanting people to contact them to feature on their TV show I tend to steer well clear of. I don't want publicity, thanks. I just want to get on with life in my own little way.



Surely if you were to do something like that it would be best simply to sit back and be in the shadows rather than making out to be something you weren't?



I think it's because it's something that people simply don't expect of people with Asperger's. Full stop.



Yup, I'd tend to want to go with the latter. I don't watch soaps for that and many other reasons apart from not wanting to invest hours at a time every week watching soap actors trying to imitate a mental parallel-universe version of reality but doing it badly along the way. Which is why I wouldn't want to watch Emmerdale, Coronation Street, EastEnders or their Irish equivalents like Fair City.



I can imagine that professions like that are a very polarised version of humanity in general.



You certainly can talk! I've been at this post for nearly an hour now!



I didn't know that. That doubtless would have helped. Actually, I'm surprised you didn't actually get overwhelmed and starstruck by it all.



That good?



Wouldn't there be, er, a bit too much drama involved in that relationship?



They probably did and suspected it all along but probably had a "don't ask, don't tell" thing going on.



I bet that freaked the scriptwriter out a bit!



Perhaps she should have been a psychologist instead?



I wonder how they actually react to having fans writing for them?



OK; this post was certainly long!



Great! I'll get onto that when I'm ready. Just give me some time.

Cheers.

Well, I try my best. I am not particularly good in talking about myself like that - it rather puts me on the spot.



Can you name them? Do so in PM if you like. Although I'm not the only 'Tequila' - there are lots and lots of others that use my name too. I like it because it's suitably anonymous and better than using my real name or a more specific pseudonym.



I have actually done that if I have quoted people but have nothing further to add but just wish to echo their sentiments.



My profile would have disabused you of that notion but never mind. It's an easy mistake to make for people who don't know me and haven't read my posts.



Yes, I understand this.

Have you heard of John Woo's 1992 Hong Kong action movie Hard-Boiled? The leading character's nickname (played by Chow Yun-Fat) is 'Tequila' (the protagonist is shown to enjoy tequila slammers in the opening credits).



It's a mix of places is Lancashire, from beautiful rural countryside to grim former industrial towns. It is utterly beautiful on a sunny, warm June day, though, especially around the Ribble Valley and other parts of north Lancashire.



Well, we can get to Yorkshire fairly easily from where I am here. The North Yorkshire market town of Skipton is about 40 minutes away by car, and it's a pleasant drive. Yorkshire is a very big place though, seeing as traditional Yorkshire is split between eight different modern-day ceremonial counties.



Have you spent much time in Great Britain?



Well, we tried going the traditional "home-schooling" route, you know, with formal lessons and books and so on but to be honest within a matter of a few weeks that broke down and I essentially educated myself thereafter, spending long, long periods of time here in my bedroom. I watched a lot of films in my teenage years, mostly from Hong Kong but also other places too. I watched Cannibal Holocaust when I was 13 and was well into gore and video nasties. As you do.



Home education is legal in France, is it? Wouldn't that have necessitated fleeing the country for somewhere more tolerant, like the United Kingdom or Belgium? How rigorous is the testing? Would autonomous learning - like my mum did with me - be OK to do in such a situation?



It wasn't at all good for me. That's why my mum hoiked me out of there.



Already mentioned but I basically taught myself. I'm not very independent at all, though, and don't have much in the way of life or confidence skills still. I doubt I'll ever have a serious full-time job, for example.



Paranoia and wariness is something I have lived with my entire life, so I know where you're coming from. Yes, people certainly are out to get you, Litzah.



Well, I'm 1.88 metres tall and I weigh about 140kg. So I'm rather heavy.



Believe me, if you saw me you wouldn't see an ounce of glamour on me if I tried. I am clean and that's about it. I wear aftershave and wash and brush my teeth, but that's about all.



Hugs are available from this tubby teddy bear if you want one. I don't charge.



I take your point. I think what you mean to say though is that you don't want to be with someone who always looks like they will cheat... but not-so-pretty people cheat, and cheat all the time, you know.



I imagine you look lovely. I like chubby girls too.



Understood.



I feel as though I am a man-child. Does this make sense? In that I am quite well-developed intellectually but that I can't even remember to get the towels for the bath half the time in the morning, never mind clearing up any mess in there. As I said: non-existent. It's one of those things that, if forced to and I lived on my own, I probably would get quite good at doing but there just isn't the motivation as yet so I remain in a somewhat dependent state. I almost never go outside my home town without my parents, for instance. It feels rather humiliating.



I think it depends on the person rather than their gender, although I suspect that in a mild case where both circumstances were equal, the woman would perhaps have an easier time on the social side of it. Having said that, that does not take into account other women's fondness of being catty, bitchy and competitive, especially around the arena of the attraction of men.



Well, it's mainly my mum that does the supporting (my dad is just 'there'), but still...



I'd love to go back again this summer.

If you look through my photos of Northern Ireland it's fairly easy to deduce what my constitutional sympathies lie. There are some pretty big clues in there.



Yes, the Troubles was a horrible time for people in Northern Ireland.



Whereabouts in the Praavince would you move to? I prefer the middle-class areas on the Down coast, Hillsborough and also places like Portrush.

Depending on where you are in the Republic, Northern Ireland isn't so far away.



What; does the Republic have ATOS-styled screenings also? Didn't know that.



Whereabouts have you been to?

I've been to the following:

• Canada (Ontario)
• Cyprus (including the occupied "Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus")
• Czech Republic
• Denmark
• Estonia
• Finland (very briefly)
• Gibraltar (British overseas territory)
• Isle of Man (British Crown dependency)
• Ireland
• Malta
• Poland
• Portugal (Algarve; Madeira)
• Spain (Mainland; Canary Islands of Fuerteventura, Lanzarote and Tenerife)
• Sweden (also briefly)
• UK

Oh? What sort of photography interests you?



As you can probably tell, they have improved in quality as time has gone on and I've worked out how to use my cameras better. I am somewhat limited in what I can do - especially at night - due to the lack of low-light ability. A small sensor can only do so much after all.



You spoil me Litzah! I am strictly an amateur snapper. "Amateur" being the operative word.



What kind of pub would you be thinking of? Some kind of real ale bar?

Also, I'd love to visit one of the Porterhouse bars next time I'm in the Republic but it's quite a drive down from where we usually stay in NI.



Whereabouts in Spain would you want to go to? We often go to the Canary Islands as it's cheap but I think I'll probably end up being in Spain - though on the mainland this time - again in a couple of months. I don't particularly like Spain as a country though. There's just something about the national character that I don't like. Oh, and the fact that Spanish beer is, almost to a man, absolutely dire.



I suspect I'd be very good at foreign languages if I could be arsed to learn them (I'm often quite adept when deciphering menus in foreign restaurants, for instance and my choices frequently come off well) but I just don't have the effort. Also, I suffer from the colonial British "everyone speaks English anyway, and if they can't murder their language until they do" mentality. People in the Nordic countries can get quite pissed off if you try to pronounce things in their native language at them, as it comes across like you're trying to be clever and failing miserably.



I'm very jealous!

Did I say I was jealous? You seem so independent and strong-minded.

What languages can you speak? Are you trying to learn Irish?



I can definitely understand how it could make you feel that.

Can I take you on holiday with me?



I can understand the feeling of power and general well-being it must give you. You go, girl!





I used to like watching soaps when I was small but eventually I got bored of them and have no time for them these days. I take it you watch UK soaps as well as the Irish ones, given the easy availability of British media in the Republic of Ireland? My mum likes her soaps too, although she's not as dedicated as she once was to them. She says that she can go away for a week and easily catch up with the plot line even without watching any of the episodes that aired whilst she was away, even though it would be easy to record them (or catch up with them on the "on-demand" service).



Be careful with this. Soap isn't real-life, and often the social cues are much more subtle. It depends on the kind of people you're interacting with but people are often far more cunning in real life than in soap operas. It's not real; it's fantasy. The same goes with "reality shows" like Big Brother and other ones. It's a very narcissistic view of the world, I think. Or, to put it another way, it's not how normal people are. So be careful that you don't read too much into it. I'm sure you don't because you seem like an extremely bright lass anyway (far brighter than I) but I just thought I would mention it to be on the safe side.



But the emotions aren't real emotions; they're faked and exaggerated. Usually people's emotions aren't as obvious or as dramatic and far, far more is left unsaid. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

You live in Ireland, you should have enough knowledge of Irish history and its scandals to work out what I'm talking about.



Then you have a problem. I would imagine that it's commonplace for people to feel like that but at the end of the day, they aren't real.

Have you ever seen Nurse Betty? It's not at all relevant to your situation but you might understand the protagonist of that film. I thought Chris Rock was great in that, by the way. Oh, and I loved his "black people" rant.



Is it just that soap in particular that you have a profound interest in or others too?



You're an exciting person, you really are going places. What kind of characters do you think you would be portraying?



What's your accent like? Is it manly French-influenced or has it taken on an Irish lilt too?



Is there no private land you could go to in order to cut costs so you can work on your driving skills? Like I say, I cannot drive myself due to insurmountable sight problems (which is probably for the best - I'd be a danger on the roads!) but I understand that it is an expensive business.

Also, there wouldn't be a great deal of point passing your test if you then weren't both capable enough and confident enough to drive. If you live in culchie Ireland with lots of boreens this isn't so much of a problem but in the towns and cities...



They clearly bring a lot of benefit to you and it's wonderful that you have something so positive that you can put your energy in.



I'm really enjoying this conversation. It takes a little while to get a response pieced together but it is definitely worth it.

Look after yourself.