This is kinda funny. I've known about autism spectrum disorders for years. I've read all about autism, I've known people with it, and I've always thought it was fascinating and pretty easy to understand. Yet, somehow, I must've really misunderstood Asperger's.
I knew the commons signs and all, but I didn't realize just how diverse it was. I knew some people with it, and they all had particular symptoms that I know I don't have (mostly the failure to respond to social cues and continuing with a topic after everyone else has moved on.) Though I have one Aspie friend online that didn't seem to have that problem. We bonded over feelings of social awkwardness. I told how bad it was sometimes, how I'm completely lost at parties and I don't understand how people are fine with just hopping from person to person talking about fluffy nonsense like celebrities or movies; that I just don't get how I'm supposed to even start talking to people in those situations; how the last party I went to, I saw a shelf of books that seemed to be about fascinating subjects, and I really wanted to just take a pile, snuggle up in a corner, and read, rather than deal with all this social stress. That, along with some of the other things I mentioned, prompted him to go, "Maybe you have a bit of Asperger's too."
I shrugged it off. Ha, come on. I'm 23, I think I'd know if I had that by now. Besides, I'm nothing like the Aspies I know in real life! I'm just awkward socially. It happens. I'm just weird, but there's no name attached.
Then today I found this video on Youtube entitled, "I Have Asperger Syndrome, and I No Longer Care." (I would've included the link, but since this is my first post, the site won't let me. Search for it if you want.)
... I was shocked. This kid sounded just like me, with the exceptions of I can enjoy mundane tasks (I turn them into games in my head), and I look people in the eye... Although I do naturally feel uncomfortable about it. I force myself to do it because I know it helps people to trust me more. (So in the end, I don't know if I should even really count that.) I had no idea that so many traits didn't have to apply in order to still have Asperger's. My immediate thoughts were two- 1) I've got to read more about this, and 2) What if my friend was right?...
Here are some things in his favor:
* I do over-complicate things by trying to think of everything rationally. I've turned simple problems into overbearing problems because I just can't stop and accept, "That's just how it is." It often causes mood swings because my mind quickly changes from happy thoughts to annoyed/angry/sad thoughts. I often wonder how people can be happy all day without these sorts of swings.
* I hate parties. The only way I can tolerate a social setting is if it's with people I already know or that I already know something about (like a recent get-together I went to with Freethinkers.) Most of the time I end up very reserved, not knowing what to say or who to speak to.
* If I do end up participating in a get-together, I can't do it for very long. I love my friends to death and all, but if you stay overnight, please don't stick around the whole next day. It's great to see you and talk to you, but I really, really, really need my alone time. There are a handful of people I'm happy around on a daily basis, including direct family members (as it was once unavoidable!) and my boyfriend. Everyone else I can take for a few hours, but more than that and I become impatient and uncomfortable. When forced out of the house with others, I often imagine the things I could be doing if I were on my own.
* I'll talk out loud and be pretty convincing. However, if I'm allowed to sit (in silence. I can't write if someone's doing something even as quiet as humming) I can express myself 10x better. My essays can be spectacular and moving. I wish I could always communicate through text.
* I hate talking on the phone. It's hard to understand people. It's even worse at my work because many of my patients speak only Spanish. I'm awesome at reading and writing in Spanish (refer to my previous note!), but speaking I'm bleh, listening in person I'm so-so, but if I'm listening on the phone, you might as well be saying complete gibberish. Add to that that my (fluent in Spanish) boss doesn't understand I have a problem with it and insists I do it anyway... I'm really embarrassed by some of the awkward convos I've been forced to have. I sound like a moron, when really I'm quite good at it... if I can write.
* Of course, I prefer text messaging. In fact, I prefer it so much that I don't even have any phone minutes included on my cell's plan. Unlimited text and data, that's all I need!
* I've always been unusually visual with speech, even before I learned to write. I used to have pictures of objects in my head when people spoke. If it was something that didn't have a distinct image, I usually substituted something that sounded similar. For example, for the town called Point Pleasant, I would imagine a wrapped present.
* After learning to read, the images got replaced by images of the written words, themselves. I still see written words in my head when people talk. I also prefer captions on television shows and movies. It's so much easier to follow what people are saying that way!
* I frequently got in trouble because of my "attitude" and "tone of voice." I never understood it. I would talk, but I wasn't angry or upset... UNTIL someone told me that I sounded angry or upset. Of course, I would respond in an upset tone and the loop would just continue. I can't tell you how many times my mom yelled at me because she thought I was being rude, yet I had no idea what she was talking about.
* I ended up with some real anger problems because of that. It got so bad I'd scream in class and throw things across the room. I was so pissed off that everyone kept misinterpreting what I meant and no matter how often I cried saying, "I didn't mean that!", no one ever believed me. I hated feeling like everyone thought I was a liar that was just being defiant. I wanted nothing more than peace...
* Unfortunately, I got picked on A LOT in elementary school, even before I started screaming and throwing things (in fact, the screaming and throwing were more like reactions to this.) I hadn't understood why. I was pretty, I wasn't overweight, and I was smart, but not in a "gifted" program that might single me out as a nerd. In light of this potential diagnosis, I can understand why a little better.
* I don't remember having narrow, extreme interests... Then again, maybe I just thought it was normal for an eight year old to know the constellations, including star names and at what time of year they'd be in the sky, or to be able to name every part of the digestive system, as well as know where babies came from (except for a crucial part that my parents withheld 'til I was older, "how the sperm reaches the egg.")
* I used my imagination when playing sometimes. But I had many times where my "play" was more... structured? For example, I once drew a floor plan for a school, choose classes for each of my dolls, then made up complicated class schedules for each of them. I knew THAT wasn't normal, but my god, it was entertaining. I also tended to care more about giving my barbies family trees and backgrounds as to their living situations than actually having my dolls socialize with each other (I do the same thing with my Sims today.)
* Sometimes when I'm arguing (or just voicing an objection), people tell me, "Don't yell at me!" when I didn't raise (or didn't think I raised) my voice. I used to have trouble with volume, but I'm pretty sure I've gained control of it and these people are just being sensitive.
* Also, I HATE when people tell me to "calm down" when I am calm. They still do that. I don't know what it is I'm doing that makes them think I'm NOT calm, but it makes me crazy that they say it. It's a surefire way to piss me off.
* I talk quite formally. My coworkers occasionally pick a word that I say and turn it into a "Word of the Day." Also, I was once doing a project with some kids. We were making rectangular picture frames. I went to ask a child which orientation he wanted it (portrait or landscape.) My friend gave me an exasperated look and asked the child, "Do you even know what the word 'orientation' means?" The child shook his head "no". Oops.
* I occasionally get the urge to rock back and forth. It feels very comforting. I've never done it in public, as far as I can remember, because I know it's odd.
* I also used to have kind of "tics", like the kind people with Tourette's experience. It wasn't to say things, but rather to bring my hand to my mouth, then bring it out and point at things (similar to blowing kisses.) I used to feel urges to do other things as well, but when my parents successfully embarrassed me for doing the blow-kisses thing, I stopped. I don't know if that's related, but I did read that sometimes these conditions are comorbid. So I figure it's at least worth a mention.
* Similar to my social awkwardness, I think I've always been a loner. My mom once told me that I was great as a toddler, because I would sit and play with my toys by myself all day (which was a big help then, since my mom had three other kids to handle.)
* Looking people in the eye is awkward. I do it when I need to (like at work), but a lot of times I don't. Walking down the street, I either keep my eyes down to the ground or focus straight ahead. I look my boyfriend in the eye because I love him and I think it's romantic. I also look friends and family in the eye out of respect and because I'm comfortable with them. But strangers? I have to really make an effort. I will pretty much look anywhere except their faces (which I think might be one of the reasons I have a problem recognizing people's faces, too.)
* I pay lots of attention to detail. I can't turn off my inner "spellcheck." I often laugh at license plates that are unintentionally amusing, as well as other little things I notice that nobody else seems to see until I point it out.
* I memorize road route numbers (County roads, State roads, Interstates, and Federal routes) better than most people I know. I also have a really good sense of direction, if that matters at all.
* I'm really good at focusing on a task, yet I'm also really good at multi-tasking... Don't know if that counts for anything, either.
Now, on the flip side:
* I love sarcasm! I was the queen of it in high school, haha.
* I also love jokes. HOWEVER, I did often misinterpret good-natured jokes about me to actually be insults. My mom was a particular offender here. She's tell me to "learn to take a joke!" Though I think due to my being picked on I may have been so used to being called names that I couldn't even fathom how such a thing could be a joke.
* I'm also really good at understanding metaphors. When my 11th grade class had to interpret Shakespeare's sonnets, I was able to read them for the first time and explain every line perfectly. Kids thought I cheated somehow. The teacher was blown away. I even impressed myself... I had no idea I could do that until that moment. (I've been writing poetry ever since.)
* As I mentioned in my second paragraph, I do not have issues reading social cues from others. I know when someone's bored, I know when the topic has switched, and I can keep up and keep it engaging. I can tell people's emotions very easily, and actually sympathize to a painful extent sometimes.
Anyways, I've been up all night and just wanted to post this before I went to bed. I don't know if I have Asperger's or not, and I know nothing substitutes an actually psychological exam, but it'd be nice to hear what you all have to say. Also, nice to meet you all! Oh, and sorry for the long, long post...
Last edited by CanisMajor on 27 Feb 2012, 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
27 Feb 2012, 6:16 am
I don't talk a lot, but welcome to Wrong Planet. I'm with you on the books. If i didn't read I would go stark raving mad.
Please understand, I don't mean any of this as criticism - I just mean that it sounds like you still got further to go with your understanding 
