An intro and adult diagnoses

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I’m a 36 year old, 6 1/2 ft tall male and I’m very sure I’m an Aspie. My wife suggested that I do find out and get it professionally diagnosed since online test are well, “online tests”. My young brother (who is 28) was diagnosed with ADD in 1991 (when he was 12), so Aspergers was note even heard of much in the US. When I went to school, they even didn’t know about ADD, so forget Aspergers.

Anyway, I have been having some problems with my wife sexually in that I just don’t care about sex. I’m attracted to her and enjoy holding and touching and being touched by her, but hate being touched by anyone else. My wife thought that I must be asexual. I have always thought of worms with the term asexual not us mere mortals. I found a forum online and learned a lot by lurking for a while and finally came out online that I’m asexual. It seems that I’m romantically attracted to women, just not sexually. (I could rant about that one for a while.) We do have sex, it’s just that it doesn’t do anything for me.) While reading about other asexuals (and there are a lot of them out there.) I discovered that a large portion are Aspies, their life and my life were identical. I found the Aspie test from wire magazine and the www.thegeeksyndrome.com test and score a 41. The more advanced test (The Aspie Quiz at : http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php my results were:

Your Aspie score: 187 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 18 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

Researching more about it and looking at my childhood, it fit me like a glove. Then I found some information about the index and ring finger ration (2D:4D) (http://braintypes.pbwiki.com/ ). Using this PDF I found ( http://braintypes.pbwiki.com/f/DigitRatio.pdf ), my finger ratio is 0.93 (Autistic). I’m 6 1/2 ft tall, so I don’t know it that takes into account of that kind of thing. It even states that it’s not way to diagnose but it is a common physical trait found.

I do want to know if I am indeed an Aspie, but at the same time I hate labels. I’m torn up inside on how to approach this. I have started the process of getting it officially diagnosed. The problem is that most specialist seem to only work with children and adolescences. I live in Northern NJ and did find a place and doctor in Ridgewood, NJ (West Bergen Center for Counseling & Psychotherapy). (I could not find one that took my insurance.) The cost is $350 for verbal analyses and $450 for a written Analyses and I’m not really worried about the money. There is a waiting period and it probably will not be until November till a can get diagnosed. (I really dislike that word.) I’m not looking at this as a disability or an excuse, I’m trying to look at this as a way to better understand myself and also a way for my wife to understand me better. She argues that I talk down to her all the time or that I interrupt her all the time. She sees that as being disrespectful and just plain rude. I see her point but of course I don’t see it as it’s happening but will sometimes realize it later.

I’d like to hear any advice anyone might have for me as to how I should proceed from this point and what steps to take after diagnoses. I also wondered how many felt asexual. I understand there is a broad definition of asexual, but I'm describing as not "sexually" desiring anyone. I do have fetishes (nothing disgusting) that give me sexual arousal, however no sexual attraction to any person.

Thanks,

-Scott

You should get tested, although this can be expensive, it definitely is worth it.

Various polls and questions have been run here all, that I know, reporting in favour of knowing/diagnosis. (with a dissenting minority, naturally)

I got a formal diagnosis at the age of 48. It has definitely helped.

And if you hang around here for any length of time, you'll realise it would take a VERY big and broadly addressed label to cover the AS world.
A diagnosis is useful taken as a fresh framework for thought, understanding and action.

As for a label: anyone informing us that Aspies have no sense of humour is greeted with loud laughter. Which for some reason disturbs them.



I would strongly recommend "You just don't understand" by Deborah Tannen
subtitled "Men and Women in conversation". It's not specifically an Asperger's book, but I found it very relevant, and if Baron- Cohen's "extreme male brain" theory of Asperger's holds, it's a good fit anyway. (That's not Borat and Ali G, but his dad.)





The wet celery AND the egg-whisk?

(sorry, you probably need to be British)

OK here comes the dissenting opinion about the values of diagnosis. Most importantly, I don't think there's a single one-size-fits-all answer. Based on my own experiences, I have absolutely no respect for the mental health industry, although I am impressed by their ability to create and memorize abbreviations. I would trust a mental health professional as long as I had a shotgun pointed at them, but I would stop trusting them as soon as I pointed the shotgun in a different direction.

Also, I don't think mental health experts have accesss to very good information about asperger's. Emettman mentioned the belief that aspies are too literal minded to understand jokes, but that's only the beginning. We don't all memorize bus schedules without understanding the reason for a bus system.

That's just my view, though, and a lot of people see it differently. If you think getting a diagnosis would be a good idea in your particular circumstances, then it would probably be a good idea.

One thing in your post seemed a little unusual. It seems that asexuality is pretty common among aspie females, but not among aspie males. I don't know if this also applies to the general population.

Keep in mind that if things turn south and your wife figures out that she can get everything she wants by claiming that you are abusive, nobody will question anything she says even after you prove that she's lying, and know that not one mental health professional will have the courage and integrity to rock the feminist boat by telling the truth about you.

From what I've read on these forums, true asexuality is pretty rare if it does exist.

Welcome!

Welcome to WP.

Hope you like it here.

Make yourself at home.

Hi and welcome to WP

Fortunately I have found someone who specializes in Aspergers and they even diagnose adults which was the biggest problem I found. My diagnoses will not begin until the first week in December, but at least I found someone. However I do know what you mean about lack of respect for the metal health industry. This is the same industry that thought being gay or masturbating was an illness at one time.

As far as my wife goes, I trust her completely, otherwise I would have not married her. When I first learned and self diagnosed myself with Aspergers she read through it and started to say I wasn’t an Aspie because I didn’t have all the symptoms, (even though I have 80-90% of them.) She was basically in denial and thought I should be diagnosed by a professional before I started calling myself an Aspie. However two weeks later she started to relate the characteristics of an Aspie person to me and started to realize how it fits me perfectly. She now believes that I do have Asperger’s and it’s started already to help understand each other. (Especially with my lack of understanding sarcasm when it’s given.)

Part of her denial is that she was upset of my low to non-existent sex drive. From what we both read, asexuality is very common to Aspies, but not the norm. Now the problem with Asexuality is “what is asexual?”. This is such a broad term and there are many definitions. Asexuality has every definition from “not interest in sex” to “being sexually attracted, but have no sexual desire.” The later definition is what I’m going by. I am sexually attracted to her, and get aroused by being with her. However the desire to have an orgasm just isn’t there all the time. I do enjoy giving orgasms to her in many ways. From what I can tell and what she has told me, for her, she feels closest to me after intercourse, whereas I’m missing that connection when I orgasm. However, her holding on to me after she has had an orgasm, the feeling of her holding on to me, is what brings me closer to her and not the orgasm itself.