very confused newbie

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Decided to finally join and hope to understand more about myself. I have always known that I was different from as far back as I can remember. No matter what, I have never really fit in anywhere. Been socially awkward my whole life. I have never come across anyone that thinks like I do and I tell you it is damn lonely. Especially when surrounded by people.

I have always been extremely shy and quiet. Had a few friends, but never any "true" friends, more like aquaintences. Women have always pretty much ignored me for some reason and I just have never figured that part of life out. It is extremely hard to approach people for some reason and I hate being alone most of the time unless I just want to relax and think.

I see the world very different than most people and find the smallest things peak my attention. I see art in almost anything, even if it is a piece of garbage on the ground. The world and life just leaves me in total amazement spmetimes. Some think I am the "hippy" stereotype. For me I always have to help others. I hate seeing people struggle and in pain. I always try to make life easier for others and this has led to people taking advantage of me. I have been called a "doormat." I always help others but when I need help, all I here are excuses. I am very open and I don't judge. I am extremely accepting of anyone and everything unless I am taken advantage of. Women have always complimented me on how nice or helpful I am, but after that I just cannot seem to connect more. Hard to explain. I don't fit in with 99% of my generation (i'm 27) people these days seem to only go through life thinking of only themselves and not caring about how others think and feel. What ever happened to the golden rule? When someone screws me over and doesn't come through for me when they say and make up lies as to why it doesn't happen, I pretty much just ignore that they even exist and go about my solitary life. For me, i'm old school. If I say that I will do something, it happens. My word means everything to me and that thinking has seem to vanish in the past.

Friends are few and far between. As of now, I have people that I know, no real friends. Nobody that I can open up to at all about how I feel. I wear a mask almost always which isn't a good thing. I am extremely good at hiding what I am thinking / feeling from others because I don't feel like being judged. I don't look like I would be really socially awkward to others since I am a hard working, manual labor, caring, car building / racing, art loving "somewhat "free spirit" kinda guy. I have tried to hide my awkwardness and most times I can. It is a bit tough for me since I am a business owner and have to talk face to face with many customers daily. I just put on my mask and do my best. Never showing my cards.

The women that do notice this about me don't seem to even notice that I exist. I have caught the eye of a few (very very few) but they have been ones that are worth staying away from unless I want major headaches in life. Unfortunately I am a hopeless romantic. Just to get a hug, or hold hands, something. I haven't had someone other than family care for me pretty much ever. Sad huh? Only one that I truely cared about and tried to save from her destructive ways. Girl whom I would talk for many hours a day and hang out with and actually seemed to care about me. Unfortunately a dramatic event happen that made her spiral out of control, and is now no longer alive. Hurts even thinking about it. Love is one thing that has eluded me my entire life. I have never had a girlfriend which at my age, scares the hell out of women. I have been desperate for someone to care about me that I turned to craiglist personals. All I got were crazy drug addicts and felons so I gave up there. I am so lost when it comes to relationships that I pretty much became a hermit and gave up. People screw me over, no love, lonely, I cope with it by burying myself in work now. In the past I tried to smoke my problems away for 7 years but it never helped. I did a lot of tokin and drinking to the point it almost killed me just to numb the pain. I finally stopped it all 2 years ago, got rid of all the bad influences in my life and here I sit a hermit. I just don't know what to do about this. I push myself to talk more and smile and be like everyone else but I end up sounding like a moron because I am too shy. bla bla bla enough of that

I don't want to die alone. I want love, someone to share life with. Death scares the hell out of me. I won't go into details. I have thought about what it would be like to not be around. Nobody except family would care. Hell, most don't know I exist.

random: I am huge into classic rock and indie music. Placebo is my fav. I am a diehard muscle car guy (american only) nobody understands my jokes, or attempts at jokes. I love the outdoors and go to the park and just wander off in the woods just to escape life and wounder what is wrong with me. I like animals to the point that I will save a bug on a sidewalk just so it won't get walked on. lol. I love to talk abviously and I seem to give people too much info when I should keep details to myself until I get to know the person better. Certain tastes, smells or sounds make images flash in my head and seem to represent feelings. Like a music video where every aspect of it has a meaning. These are places that I have never been to and somtimes years later out of nowhere I come across the place from the images in my head. I have never been or seen them ever but somehow I seem to know of them and they represent feelings. Hard to explain.

I always knew that somthing was up with me. I have never seaked professionals. I am self diagnosed aspie I guess. I am still trying to figure this whole deal out. I started reading up on Aspergers and came across this site. I have a lot of symptoms and the info seems to correlate with everything that is me. I even found 2 online tests to take. One was a 50 question one thatsaid I have Aspergers, the other I found on this site. It was 150 questions. For the Aspie part, I scored 152/200. And the NT part was 64/200. Is that a good score? lol

I hope to learn a lot on here and meet some cool people. I had to really try hard to stop from typing more, I apologize.

take care all

-M

I'm new to this site as well I can relate to what you are saying here, I tend overshare as well. in High School I tried my best to hide that I had disabilities and was in that study hall because I thought people would judge me for it but since then I've come to embrace having Asperger's but before that some of my friends knew. I came to the realization that I've concidered people my best friend but I'm sure that they've always had better friends and that's pretty depressing and we've drifted apart and I feel like when I want to visit with the one friend that comes home from college every so often, I feel like the high school friend who's made no new friends but still considers them as a close friend.

I fear even at 22 guys would be scared off/feel very awkward if they found out I've never even been on a date but that would imply that a guy would actually approach me. Not just as a joke like the one time in High School were one of the trouble makers thought it'd be funny to ask shy awkward Lindsay to winter dance, not that I'd even consider it from him it had to be a joke knowing him and he was trouble like the guy bragged about stealing a banner from a business while in school and had said sign hanging in his locker

Hi Solo! Welcome to Wrong Planet! Check out the different forums and articles here. They are interesting and helpful. You are among friends here at WP.

The only reliable love I can suggest is a pet. However, here at WP you will find friends and advice from people who are in the same boat as you.

Welkome to WP

Mick

solo's a good name. i've always liked the spanish name "Soledad", because it represent how i feel.
i can relate to a lot of things you're written. i had a very hard time making friends, and for most of my life, i didnt. but now i've got my nieces. you could try being there for your nieces and nephews and when they grow up, they won't forget you. my ninteen and a half years old niece still wants to hang out with her aunt and we went to the shopping center together and bought chines food. now she wants to go to the zoo together.
like you, i love the outdoors, and if there were woods anywhere around my house, i'd probably spend most of my time there. unfortunately, i'm surrounded by buildings almost touching each other and the crowds, noise and air pollution of the city.
like you, i'm crazy about animals and picked up a turtle once, because he headed toward the road. i put it in someone's yard instead. i saved several sick feral cats and spent my last dollars on them.
men seem to ignore me, too. we aspies have a knack for being ignored and people look through us like we dont exist.
i hope you havent been thinking about suicide. i hope that's not what you implied. if it is, you should really talk to someone, whether a professional or a family member.
that's horrible about the girl, who sounded as if she killed herself. god bless you for trying to save her, but then it cant always be done. the hardest thing to do is save someone from himself, from what is going on inside his head.
maybe you should date an aspie girl next time.
anyway, you won't be ignored in wrong planet.

I joined this site just recently on my quest to find the answers about myself. I can relate to most of the things you mentioned. I always knew that something was different about me, about the way my mind was processing things, but I never had any solid and logical explanation. When I first started reading about Asperger's syndrome it drew my attention since most of those traits I had. I have just recently started exploring on how it's differently manifested in women and that explained a lot. A female version of aspie is a quite different, and many wouldn't even assume by my appearence that anything is odd about me, only it becomes obvious when we enter some kind of conversation.

I learned with the passage of time to act and pretend when it comes to the communication. Though I can communicate the best with one person at a time, when I am in a group of people I easily get distratced and very soon start losing my focus on the topic of conversation. My anxiety also contributes to it to a large extent, it's like I suddenly get some kind of mental blockage and I run out of any inspiration on how to join the conversation.

When I was in my primary school I had many difficulties in communication with other kids. I was so much different from other kids, too much naive and gullible, couldn't understand simple clues like when someone didn't want to be my friend. The best example to demonstrate my inability to read clues at that time was when kids would ignore me and I would interprete it as some kind of a game, that much unworldly I was lol. I also had these issues when I started my highschool, especially first two years. I had horrible issues when it came to adaptation and my colleagues would be very mean to me. I used to be very depressed in those days, going to school every day became a nightmare for me, I became so much depressed that I got ill, that was a kind of wake up call for me.

I started imitating girls and wanted so badly to be accepted. In order to do that I needed to get a date to show other girls I am no different than them, but my choice of a date was a complete disaster. Due to my inability to judge person's character I chose for myself psychopath. Lol. I learned this after a year of the abusive relationship.

It can be very hard not to have anyone similar around you or at least someone who could understand your feelings and give you adequate support. Usually parents fail to recognize clues of a mild autism in females, that's a very sad fact. If parents would act in time many bad things could be prevented in life of an aspie female, and girls wouldn't become victims of predators in such cases.

That's actually cute and I certainly wouldn't have a lesser opinion of you because of it, in fact, you'll find many guys including myself are attracted to reserved girls .

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you all for the warm welcome. Everything everybody has said I can relate to. Maybe i'm not alone

ifeellikeanartist, I agree with Wolfheart 100% I am attracted to reserved girls as well. The extremely hard part is to actually find one. I can honestly say that I have never met any girl like that. All through school I was really quiet and was invisible to women. Then out of high school I was depressed a lot and turned to partying and tokin an extreme amount trying to cope. I only met party girls in that crowd, and only maybe 2 noticed me at all. The one and only girl that I ever felt like I had a connection with was so misunderstood and abused and I would have done anything for her. I tried to save her and be there as much as possible but she just kept putting herself in dangerous situations. It caught up with her. So after my rambling, what I mean to say is that someone such as yourself is rare to find these days. I keep looking

felinesaresuperior, I would be there for any family member period. If I had nieces and nephews I would. My family is very odd. My fathers side of the family (well 3 of them at least) absolutely dislike my mom's side of the family. So I really don't know anything about my mom's side. They won't get together or anything. My dads side is "different." My grandparents had 3 kids, 2 of them never had kids, and the other obviously is my dad. So in other words, my bro and I are the very last ones with the family name. Besides my brother, there were no kids in the family to ever play with. There is a 20 year gap between me and the next youngest person in the family. My mom always says "when you get married and have kids" or " When you meet a girl" I usually just laugh and say that I don't see that happening. My family "parties" everyone just sits there like a lump until they think they have spent enough time with family, then leave. Hard to explain but very awkward situation.

thats it 110% for sure. You are rightr about what I implied, but I would never do it. That is one thing I know for sure. I would date an Aspie girl if I could find one, if she would notice me, if I could approach her, etc. I should probably advertise, lol. Probably my best and only chance of meeting someone like me.

ellalea, I can relate. it really hurts being alone yet being surrounded and not knowing what others take for granted.


I really hope to learn more and be able to help myself. I am tired of being broken and just being absolutely alone. It is very nice to have found a place with others like me. Honestly before I started looking into this, I thought I was alone. Absolutely nobody in my life knows how I think, or feel and actually what is me. Most people feel awkward when I try to open up to them and I can see it in their eyes and body language when I am speaking. They percieve me a just another guy, not who I actually am. I just need to figure things out somehow.

everyone take care

-M

Welcome to WP!