Ok so.....It's really pretty surreal that I have actually found this place where people are LIKE me. haha! Sorry this is long, but I am just pretty excited and figured I might as well share the whole story. I am not diagnosed and still not entirely convinced that I have aspergers, but at the same time, I'm kind of pretty sure that I do have it, and I think it's just going to take a little more assurance from others and a little more time to get used to it. (My self-discovery is VERY new.)
Long story short, I am lucky enough to have a best friend who literally broke down all the walls that I had spent my entire life building, and even though I pushed her away with everything I had, she knew that I needed her to break through to me and she didn't stop until she did it! She opened my eyes to the fact that it's not okay to be so closed off to everyone around me, and that I will miss everything that life has to offer me if I spend all my time locked up in my own little world. Prior to having her in my life, it never even dawned on my that I was missing out on huge parts of life and that I really could do something to make changes if I wanted to. She's a real hero!
Well, now her mom has kind of taken over as my "bonus mom" and my main source of help and guidance.....she's the one that has observed my behavior, my interactions (or lack thereof), the struggles and lack of communication between me and my best friend, and she has taken the time to notice and assess the inner conflict that binds me on a daily basis. She's the one that first suggested that the answer to my grand mystery might be autism, and when I told her that I have done projects and research papers on the topic and have considered the possibility, that was all she needed to hear. She has been working hard to try and find me resources, support groups, books, workshops, anything that might give me understanding and peace that I am not alone. It's hard to get any type of regional assistance since I don't have any test results or similar indicators from my childhood, but we are working on it. I have more hope than I have ever had!
At first, I was afraid to think about it or do any more research on the topic because I did not want to psych myself out and convince myself of something that is not really true. But as my bonus mom has done more research and reported back to me, she is able to describe many of the behaviors that she notices in me and hits the nail on the head in terms of my feelings and mindsets, even better than I myself am able to put into words. Aspergers fits me pretty well.
I had come across this site before in my research, etc, and I recently (as in yesterday after a another talk with bonus mom) decided that it would probably be a good idea to poke around here and see what other people have to say. I must admit that I have found so much peace just seeing how much of what you all say that I can relate to........within a half hour of browsing through here, I have found posts about communicating with friends, being unable to "multitask" by interacting or talking with more than a few people at once, becoming overwhelmed by a lot of people or a lot of noise and needing to just get away and be alone, being oversensitive to sound and touch (i am SO jumpy), and pacing when thinking, feeling anxious, and talking on the phone, that I can relate to ENTIRELY. It really amazes me actually. I feel an entirely new type of relief in knowing that there are other people who come from planets like mine and who can help me understand myself. My goal is that I will be able to confront my parents about this once I get things more solidly figured out, and that they will be able to understand and deal with me without getting so angry and hurt.
I seriously look forward to spending time here!! Here's to self discovery!!
06 Mar 2012, 1:52 pm
