Hey there everyone, my name is Adam, I've been diagnosed since '07, and honestly I still understand very little about this whole Aspergers Syndrome. I really don't know where to start with the description of my character, but a good friend of mine referred me to this site, and I've decided since I'm still having an extremely tough time sorting out my own self from the disease, or however you may put it, that I would get some insight from others who have the same trouble as I.
So basically most of my trouble stems from an over analytical mind. Growing up my father was right at the boarder of being abusive, which meant I had to dwell on every action I decided on and weigh the consequence, which believe it or not didn't help much. When you have two choices, and the one that's going to adversely affect your future means you don't get beat, you feel inclined to make the wrong decision. I ended up with five years of High School under my belt because telling my father there was no homework meant that I wouldn't get hit.
Then when I failed my senior year, and the teachers couldn't figure out why, (when in a discussion or debate, I seemed to know what I was talking about according to them,) they sent me for testing, which is how I found out that I have Aspergers. Sometimes it's like it's all in their imaginations, and sometimes it's like a giant brick wall in my path.
I'm one of the more proactive people in my community. Former Jaycees Vice President, published author of a small play, actor, singer, and avid writer to this day, though nothing else has been published yet. Still despite these positive things in my life, the one thing that I don't have seems to be the thing I want the most. Perhaps it's just the affect of not having it, but this will be year 10 that I have been single.
Going back to the first paragraph, I mentioned a friend who referred me to this site. I won't give any names, but she's a great gal, I've been a friend of hers for quite some time, and somewhere along the line I grew to liking her, which led to me having so many problems. I really don't know if it's all the product of Aspergers, or if the home life somehow translated over to my relationships, but I have had the talk, and I have been patient, and I have been the supportive guy who doesn't make it secret that he wants to be her boyfriend. I'm constantly catching myself in fear that I'm being too aggressive or not aggressive enough. Am I giving her the impression that everything I do is to catch her, or am I giving the proper impression that I really do care. I've have maintained a strong friendship despite my strong feelings for her, but I'm really frustrated at the same time. If I could just be her good friend I would, but I'm tired of being alone in this world, and although there's "plenty" of other fish in the sea, I feel in every bone that she is the one. Yet I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Everything I say and do is as genuine as it can be, yet it doesn't feel like it translates that way. I don't know what problems I can fix, and what problems are here to stay. I don't know why things always feel right, yet seem to go wrong when it comes to relationships.
Normally I'm a happy person, and I don't want to give the wrong impression. However I'm tired of fighting for everything I have, when others make it seem easy. I know it isn't for them too, and perhaps I'm having a moment of weakness for which I do apologize, but anything you think would be helpful I'm grateful for. Thank you all, and I hope we'll become friends soon.
20 Mar 2012, 7:56 am
