Is this the answer for why I've always found things hard?

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Hi, I'm 34, female, and trying to work out how I came to be at this point in my life and completely unable to make friends. I've always thought it will be better with the next stage, so kindy through to uni and then work...always being on the outside and wondering why everyone else did this social thing so easily.

I was always told to try harder, have conversations, show an interest...it's never gone well. Now I'm told to just get over my 'quirks' and fake it until I make it. How is that supposed to work? I'm not afraid of social situations (but I do need visualise them in advance to prepare), I just find them so EXHAUSTING. 5 minutes of chit chat is harder than writing a thesis paper. Seems I'm either speaking too loud and scaring them or speaking too low and annoying them, then missing the part where I'm supposed to be interested in them or the cue they want to leave.

Wish the spectrum was an accepted notion when I was a kid, I might have been helped.

Where does one go from here? I confided in my family that I had self-diagnosed and they told me that was stupid and I just needed to try harder - like I hadn't been doing that already. Just putting it out there that at least 4 of my male siblings are most definitely (but untested) on the spectrum too, but we're obviously not the most supportive family when it comes to these things.

Welcome to WP!

I've got the same signs.. I just can't understand why other people feel themselves uncomfortable with me. I felt that maybe something is wrong, and then I read about Asperger's syndrome and understood that maybe it's my diagnosis

Hi Jellyhead! Welcome to Wrong Planet! Check out the many interesting forums here.

It's probably best not to bring this up with your family again, as they don't want to hear it. It made sense to bring it up once, to let them know, but now that you know that they don't want any part of this, don't bring it up again. They don't understand what it is, and probably think it is some form of mental retardation, but it's not.

I know how it is. I'm in my 50s and my father, who is in his 80s, is always after me to socialize. I finally am doing that with my frequent posts here at WP, but I am not sure I should discuss it with him. The one time I told him I have Asperger's, he got upset and didn't want to talk about it, so I let it go. So telling him I am socializing on an Asperger's/Autism site is not likely to make him happy.

Anyway, enjoy the site! I do!

My father's reaction was along the lines of 'quit looking for excuses, for reasons to quit' - I simply couldn't get it through to him that ASD gave me a framework (and a community!) that would help me understand my life up to, and beyond that point where I decided I was on the spectrum.... a framework, and understanding, a comfort.. not an end, not a quit, not an excuse... an explination. a HOPE and COMPREHENSION and a source for ADVICE...
He still doesn't (and likely never will) get it.

My mother's reaction was more of a violent denial. To be honest I think she was more concerned that I was calling myself 'damaged' and losing faith in myself. Or maybe she was just denying it because she had a preconceived notion of ASD;
My stepfather took the idea to his doctor, and described me - the doctor's opinion (likely) was reported back to my mom, and she opened to the idea a bit. Just a bit.

My sister is too hard to read, but she always looks to my dad for how to respond in these situations, and to an extent just followed his lead out loud. What her internal monologue is I'll probably never know.

My (one) friend doesn't give a hoot about ASD or if I'm on it, or anything about what it is - he already thinks I'm weird and has called me "methoic" (one with screwed up body and brain) - an invented word - for years now. To him, that's what I have always been.

So you asren't alone in family shortsightedness


As for "where do you go now"?
I haven't found head doctors any help, so I am reluctant to tell you to do that.

I have found that scouring these boards and reading the posts (even the "you might be an aspie if" posts) on this site helped me clear up alot of old pains and confusions, helped me understand, review, reevaluate many of my past relationship errors with family, friends, lovers, bosses, etc... and hopefully face future situations with a more open and ovbservant mind in regards to errors BOTH sides are likely to make...

I have learned to look for social groups or adult classes that follow my special interests. I have even let myself - or led myself to - devellop a special interest in board games (of all things go figure!) for which I know there are social groups in my area (my friend leads a very informal boardgame night about once every two months, there is another local group that meets twice a month).

I still haven't solved everything (my education and job training both stymied by my social issues - I too am in my 30's and wish I'd been diagnosed or at least introduced to ASD data early enough to realize my needs, abilities and interactions were so different (I used to just think that everyone was an [jerk] either by nature or on purpose - whereas it was more likely that most of them were just not understanding me / seeing a me that wasn't me). So I've managed a string of retail jobs which I usually lost due to social blunders with coworkers. I now seek work where coworker interaction is minimal (customers, after all, are easy to deal with: they want product, information, and exit).

I feel the same way in social situations. I cannot comprehend how people innately know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. I am forever the person hovering around the edge of a group conversation unsure and sometimes unable to add anything. Unfortunately, most people don't want to try to get beyond that and get to know me any better. I'm now in my late 30's and I also wish people had understood this when I was a kid. I think my life could have gone in a completely different direction if I would have been able to get some help when I was younger.

Welcome to the WrongPlanet. I hope that you are able to find everything you are searching for here. It's a great site.

Welcome!

I want to recommend a book for you: Aspergirls by Rudy Simone; it's available on Amazon.com. I think you will relate well to the testimonies in this book; I have.

As for parents, they have all sorts of reasons not to accept your diagnosis. All they may know is the outdated theories that mental differences are caused by bad parenting. Try to take what they tell you with a grain of salt. They definitely shouldn't be making you feel stupid, though--that's not you; that's their issues.

I think you'll find this forum comforting and informative too.

Welkome to WP

Mick

Thanks so much for the warm welcome!

I was reading through the forum last night and came across the link to Rudy Simone's youtube channel. With much of what she said I was just nodding along. I'm going to order the book later tonight.

I have 2 daughters, aged 2 & 5. My 5 year old shows some concerning signs, a few too many similarities to myself, so I will be seeking out a chat with a professional for her.

I'm in Australia, where ASD is pretty much for children only. Being a parent of an autistic child is also risky in that until you have a definite diagnosis you are treated with hostility. For a start, you have to term everything just so. They are children with Austism, not Autistic kids etc. ASD mums online and in the blogging community will attack any attempt to compare your child's behaviour to theirs, because "it isn't the same". No matter what the ASD-suspecting mum says - it isn't the same. Until you get that magical diagnosis.

Being a functional adult who identifies as aspie isn't widely accepted at all. It just seems to me that Australia is still in the stage of defensiveness and hostility, hence my reaching out here. I haven't heard anything about adult support groups.

After reading some of the stories here, I've decided I don't feel the need to be officially diagnosed myself, there's no benefit to me, and obviously I won't be discussing this with my family again. I'm just starting a journey to understand my own set of WHY questions. I've been beating myself up for so long about being weird, it's nice to finally realise I'm not really all that weird, there are so many people like me!