My name is Paul.
I have recently been coming to terms with something that I acknowledged for the first time about 2 years ago, that I am an Aspie.
I have been lurking around on the internet, gathering up information for confirmation. There are many things that have always been
different about me. For the longest time, I had just assumed that I was ret*d, in some bizarre way, that allowed me to be cognitively
aware of the issue.
In actuality, when looking back, knowing what I know now, things are pretty obvious.
Delayed speech, multiple speech impediments, socially awkward.
Though I had been enrolled in speech therapy from the first day of school, it wasn't until 12 I learned to reverse my impediments.
Lately, I have been finding things very difficult, not in the sense that they necessarily exceed my capacity to handle these things as they come, but just the complete
and total awareness that no one else is really having the same issues as me.
Employment has been a problem.
I have a step-daughter now and a fiancee. My fiancee is the first girl I ever had a crush on, in 6th grade. Though we didn't date till high school. We broke up
because there were issues with my being able to accept her. We are back together nearly 10 years later after I "rescued" her from an abusive husband who
put a shotgun on me. She has been off heroin for a year.
CPS just closed their investigation on us.
Last year, I was in a relationship that had lasted 6 years or so. I know that this is rare for people with asperger's, but I think the length of my relationships
are derived from an understanding on the part of my mate.
It has taken a long time for me to understand that I am indeed a big problem in my relationships, the fault of which is asperger's.
I have decided to perhaps seek a formal diagnoses. I have been attending college for about 3 years, but this last year has really not been good.
After being homeless for a while, I am just now getting things back in order, but it is far too late for my academics to be salvaged, I fear. Relying on
financial aid, I have to maintain a certain GPA to remain eligible for my award package. Prior to this year, I had achieved about 100 credits and a 3.8
GPA.
This year, I have failed every class I have attempted because of severe turmoil. My study space is now a corner in the room of our two bedroom apartment, on a filing cabinet.
It is very hard to study. Plus, with taking care of a 5 year old now, things can get really hectic.
I have been bothered because recently I am becoming more and more aware that I miss lots of things in my social interactions with people. Things that I have always missed, but now am only beginning to recognize. Like, I get made fun of more than I thought.
I have been emulating NT behaviors for a long time, with success, but it has gotten really hard in the past 2 years to keep doing things this way.
I am beginning to wonder if I will ever have viable, gainful employment. At current, I work at Radio Shack. It doesn't pay well, at all.
I use to have a very nice job that paid very well, but required lots of travel. It was harder for me to do than my co-workers. I was laid off after 8 months of work.
I have been questioning if I should attempt starting my own business.
I have a high affinity for all things technological, and I enjoy sound engineering.
Looking over this, there are lots of "I"s. This is also something that I am coming to terms with, emulating NT behavior has caused me to become INCREDIBLY self serving
and only interested in getting my points across. I am just now admitting how hard it is for me to ACTUALLY participate in a conversation.
I guess I am writing this post to just feel welcomed. I want to begin negotiating more successful social interactions and work towards receiving a formal diagnoses, the steps of which I am unclear on. I don't have a lot of money, as in, our household has a less than 14k income.
Anyway, first post: Accomplished.
23 Apr 2012, 8:51 pm
