as per the description for this forum, "Hi! I'm new&quo

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hi *,

how i discovered AS: due to one of my special interests (network security specifically, and IP networks in general), i read many articles about hackers being caught by the FBI (among other articles irrelevant to this post) last year. something that seemed to crop up fairly often was that these hackers were "sufferers" of "Asperger's Disorder". initially i had no idea what it was, but dismissed it as a medical issue in which i had no interest. however, after coming across it 4 or 5 times, i decided to find out what it was that was so common among these people. that was in September last year. i found the Simon Baron-Cohen AQ test and scored a "44". another test i'd done at the time gave me an aspie score of 140/200 and NT score of 51/200. since then i must've spent a minimum of 3 hours a day reading about AS. i say at least only because i do actually have other things that need to be done. i started the process of receiving a diagnosis in October of last year.

some personal info: i'm currently 36 years old, have been working for the same company for almost 16 years (in August) and have been with my partner for almost 18 years (also in August). on our 10th anniversary we got engaged, but i haven't married her yet (it would possibly only be for legal reasons or to make the parents happy if/when we do, anyway)

i've been lurking on the WP forums for some time now, and have finally come up with the courage to post and say "Hi! I'm new." i've seen a lot of posts from others who've suffered with depression at some point and was wondering if it's possible to be an aspie and to not have been through this?

something else that seems to be almost a requirement, if you will, is having been bullied. my experience was otherwise.. i think how i avoided the bullying was by being the jester/fool for the "bad" crowd - the people that would typically be the bullies. someone would come up with an idea to do something, and i would always be the one it happened to. for some reason, at the time, i thought it was a good thing (and it definitely felt better to play along rather than be ostracised) - things such as asking silly questions of our science teacher about the dolphin fetus she had in a jar (asking if it was hers, and not meaning it in the sense of ownership, etc).. i dyed my hair a number of times at others' suggestion, even bleached it at school - my hair literally changed colour while the teacher was addressing the class - when she noticed, i was sent out to be "dealt with". the thing is that since growing up, if people ask me to do something, i feel as though i'm being bullied into what they're asking of me - i really struggle to say no.

apparently my coping method has been that of mimicry/imitation. i'm very good at it, as long as i'm prepared. if i'm caught off-guard, i'm a bumbling mess. my partner's mother can't believe how much i am like her husband. when we're not there, i'm nothing like him. i know how to act in front of different people. the thing is, i've attempted to "switch off" the mimicry/imitation, and i'm not sure i can - it's become automatic. does anyone else have this? if i'm in a situation where i'm meeting someone new and i'm on my own (job interview, etc), i become extremely anxious - i stim/shake, sweat and just don't know what to do and need to be helped "down". i've only been anxious a few times in adult life where i couldn't explain what the cause was, but according to my mother, i was a very anxious child.

ok, this post is perhaps too long.. i tend to write too much. i can always post more later and i do need to get back to work now, anyway

i can't seem to fix the subject line as it keeps replacing the " with &quo :/

sorry about that..

Hi AnonymousAspie! Welcome to Wrong Planet! I lurked here for about a year before joining about 2 years ago. You are among friends here at WP!

hi Questor,

thank you for the welcome

tl;dr: i've always thought everyone was "acting" and i was just less bothered to do the same. i think this helped me cope quite well through childhood and later.

the long version:
adding to what i've said about myself in my first post, there's something important i think i should have mentioned. whereas most aspies have had trouble with "fitting in", i haven't had all that much difficulty. until recently, my workplace environment seemed to encourage eccentric technically-minded people and a good number of my colleagues were all geeks of some description. i don't socialise at all - other than during work, and that's only when someone else initiates interaction with me. my partner and i live a pretty secluded life other than seeing our respective families on occasion. speaking of which, i appear to come from a family of aspies - none diagnosed, however - i'm just seeing all the traits in them. my father and sister are both struggling with it, though. my father has been out of work for a number of years and this is causing him major financial strain, and my sister has relationship problems. although, she's accepted by her boyfriend as she is, she does struggle with the social demands made of her by him. my aunt died about 15 years ago, but looking back on how i remember her, she must have been on the spectrum as well as my grandmother.

anyway, as far back as i can remember, i've always thought that everyone had the same difficulties as i do, but perhaps they were gaining something out of "ignoring" those difficulties that i couldn't grasp. to appear normal i would try ignore sensory issues such as bright lights, clothing tags that feel as though they're shredding your skin, etc. it wasn't easy, but convincing myself everyone had the same experience, and not wanting to appear different, i forced myself to ignore those issues as best i could. i also accepted that everyone had the same problems with socialising, but at least realised there were differences - most likely because i noticed some children didn't want to be friends with *all* the other children, only *some* of them. this was important, as i thought the one or two children i was friends with was just more selective than others. as far as i was concerned, the others were gaining something from having more friends that i just wasn't seeing and that's the only reason they were getting along. there were a lot of things others did, and still do, that makes no logical sense to me.. at least now i know i am different, and why, and i now also see how i've actually spent more time trying to behave in the same way others are acting, only to find out they weren't acting after all.

seems i forgot to remove my anti-brevity boots. again... apologies for another long post.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welkome to WP

Mick