I didn't know where to start. Some fears and anger I guess..

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"It gets better..." No, I'm talking about this post. The first part is lame, but it gets better. I mean, if you get off on reading about my pity party. This started as a reply in a thread-about-fakers turned thread-about-IQ, but at some point mid-ramble I decided I'd use it to introduce myself... because I'm very confused and all out of cookies.

My earliest memory is being in my parents' kitchen, maybe 2 or 3 years old. I would take my dad's empty pepsi bottles (the old glass ones) out of the cardboard 6-pack they came in, put them on the floor, upright, and then put them all back. For hours and hours on end, every day. My parents just thought it was an easy way to keep me entertained. I found out what Asperger's was just a couple months ago, and this memory, along with like 2 dozen more, all jumped out at me.

Now for the exciting middle act - there's sex, drama, murder, and so on....

I'm angry that I was born in 1980 when we didn't know much about autism, and now when I call the primary autism project in my state, all I get is a "sorry, sucker, we only deal with early autism detection and you're too old." As if I wasn't under-rug swept enough in my life, the people who are supposed to finally help me crawl out from under that rug saw me poke my head out and told me "no no, that's where you belong." I swear I've never felt so betrayed. Um, with all my clothes on anyway.

I'm angry that my parents were either too dumb or too poor to notice something was up. I played with bottles for HOURS! I had only one friend most of grade school - a legit ret*d kid a couple years younger than me. I was humiliated on a daily basis at school. In one case, even a teacher picked on me, eventually putting my desk in the hallway for a month until I "caught up" to the other kids. The next three years I was high honors. And since there are rules on these forums, I'm not going to get into high school at all....

I'm angry that no matter how much I try to self-improve over the years, I just evolve from one state of being too screwed up to get close to others, to another similar state that only FEELS different to me... until I see the end results. And it's not just intimate relationships. I have a handful of long-term friends now. But they're SO compartmentalized! One friend is just for getting drunk and saying outrageous things with, which is easy because that's kind of my auto-pilot function when I relax my brain. But she can only be that person with me when she's in the mood for it. Another friend is just for going to partake of 2 or 3 similar gaming interests with. I don't see us as having ANYTHING in common outside of these games. We've been friends a long time, so that's how I know I can ask a favor and help out in return. ...huff... ...huff... ...huff...

Taking a deep breath and setting that rant aside for now....


I was feeling pretty good about myself this past year, and this revelation has been a total system shock. For personal reasons, this past year was all about taking my life back. Sometimes it was tough and I had my little boo-hoo's, but overall I was getting my life back on track. Just... normal ups and downs I guess. And then I had to read about g()dd*mn Aspergers.

I immediately called one of my newest friends (one year) and told her my discovery. She surprised me by telling me she wants to get tested too, and we spent over an hour just bouncing symptoms and our histories off each other, convincing more and more that we both needed to get tested. I told her essentially that I'd go first and pave the way. Nearly without taking a breath in between, I then called a veeeery smart ex of mine who makes me look like a 1st grader with a dunce cap, sitting in the corner wetting myself. And I think I'm pretty smart overall. And SHE said that Asperger's would make a lot of sense. Ugh, why am I giving you my life story? Anyway... that's where I'm at with it right now.


There's a lot of fear. I just want it to be easy. I don't do well with difficult, lengthy, uncomfortable processes. Grade school pretty much BROKE my ability to handle paperwork, exasperated further by a sociopath for a mother. I want the testing and the treatment to all make sense, but I'm afraid if I even get that far, it's going to be handled by NT's who just want me to fill out forms and explain my feelings and all kinds of things that draw my anxiety out.

Our local hospital is a sham. I spent the last decade going to them for things like depression and anxiety, and was even told at one point that I might be bi-polar. But no one wanted to commit to a diagnosis, and I didn't have the money or insurance to invest any further effort.

In the last 3 years, I've experienced more in life. I moved 1,200 miles from home, which opened up my anxiety to brand new depths. I developed an INSANE (and thankfully temporary) fear of driving on bridges, and a lot of anxiety when driving through mountains. I always had a couple of minor OCD traits as well, and it was during this time that I was a complete mess and really starting seeing those for what they were. I compulsively smell things. I have a very good sense of smell, which can be helpful but I really hate it, and I tend to smell EVERYTHING. Yeah, I'm the guy you wanna bring to the party, right? I also wash my hands not quite crazy-compulsively, but people tell me it's not normal either. As I type, I can feel my hands are a little pre-sweaty (hey it's a long post!) and it's driving me crazy.

With the big stuff out in the open, I looked over some smaller things that Asperger's was shining a light on: Things HAVE to be scheduled out. And when the schedule is broken, I get pretty upset. Spontaneity was fun when I was a teenager with no money, no job, no possessions, and nothing to do. If I was gonna hop in someone's car to go to a party, I'd do it in a moment's notice. (And proceed to be the most awkward person at the party, but we've covered that already). Pretty much since my 20's it's been the exact opposite. I want things planned out in advance. And if someone says they're gonna come over at 2, am I pushy for asking them where they are? I don't get as crazy as I used to, but I'm still pretty upset when the plan changes and no one tells me. I thought this was a normal feeling. And I'm not painting out every scenario here, I'm aware of that, but almost every time I'm made to feel like I'm being a d*ck or simply not understanding something.


I'm afraid testing for AS is going to be more expensive than it's worth. I bumped into a lady who's raising a couple of autistic children (this lady actually blended really well with me, notable I think since most people I just 'deal' with) and she pretty much instilled in me that I MUST get tested. I *know* I have it. And because of who I am, I *do* want to be able to show that it's legit. When it gets really f*cked up in my head and in my life, yes, I *do* want to just huddle up in a corner and scream Asperger's so everyone will leave me alone.

But I also want it for any clinical / medicinal reasons - if it leads to anything. I want to know I'll be protected the next time I lose a job and need something to rely on until I get the next one. I don't want to live on SSI or SSDI or whatever it's called - it's not enough money. But historically I've probably been without a job more than with, since 18, and if I ever have to repeat that process of job rejection after job rejection, I want some security. Is that what one of the S'es stands for? Now it makes sense.....

The lady with the autistic kids kind of sold me on the idea of the SSI/SSDI. I didn't care at first, because I wouldn't even receive it right now anyway; I have a decent job. But over the next week or so, I started thinking about big, ugly messes. Like 2003. And 2004. And that one time in 2006. And again in 2007. You get the idea.


I was gonna go on about how some people with Asperger's seem to do great careerwise and how I'm frustrated about my lack of progress, etc etc, but I'm just too exhausted right now and need to go watch a movie or something. And I've already, since being here just a couple days, read some good advice on the whole career thing. It probably won't change anything with me really, but I consider it to be like... I'm just now dipping my toes in the water to check the temp. I'll work on it more as time progresses.

And by the way, I really wouldn't have added a quarter of my thoughts as I wrote them if this were a normal NT forum. I'm trying something new. Some of it probably looked like pandering to the crowd, but hell, I've been pandering to someone else's crowd my whole life. It's nice to just spaz out a little bit and not worry about "how I'm coming off" to everyone. That worry would keep me up at night.

............... When I feel bad for myself, I always tell myself that there's someone else who has it worse. Feel sorry for them instead. I mean, I was laying in the hospital bed with 3 fractures last year (and something about a tendon snapping across my leg?) and I actually forced myself to think that it wasn't that bad. And it wasn't, comparatively. But I should've let myself just be the victim that one time.

I really hate Asperger's. I can sit here and tell myself there are people with autism who have it worse than me - there are. But I just wanted to take one post for myself and kinda share, wallow, and wait. And something else dramatic sounding *insert here*.

Happy Ending.

<--- Feels robbed because he read NO account of sex OR murder!

Thanks for sharing, though.

Hi Houseofpanda! Welcome to Wrong Planet! Check out the many interesting and helpful forums here. You are among friends here at WP!

Go into the General Autism forum here. There is at least one post there with links to online tests you can take to see if you may be on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum. Save the results and print out a couple of copies, one for your own records, and another set that you can take with you when you are able to go for an evaluation. When that time comes, make sure you pick a psych doc with experience working with people on the Autism/ Asperger's spectrum.

Does your job provide med insurance? If so, that might cover an evaluation. If not, you could try to get on Medicaid, and that would cover an evaluation.

Hope that helps.

I've had a spotty work record too. Partly from my Asperger's, and partly from other health problems. My other health problems finally got bad enough to make it impossible to work any more, so I was finally able to get SSI because of them. I didn't include Asperger's in my SSI evaluation, as I was still early in my research on that at the time. I first heard about Classic Autism in the late 70s or early 80s, but didn't see myself in that. I first learned about Asperger's Syndrome Autism about 8 years ago, and immediately saw myself in the article I read. I continued to read the few articles I came across for several more years before I finally started to research it in more depth. Although I don't have a formal diagnosis, my personal research has proven to me that I have Asperger's Syndrome. Since I am not seeking gov or insurance funded help for my condition I don't need a formal evaluation. Because I am in my early 50s and not in school, I don't need any of the kid or school treatment programs. I am no longer able to work due to my other health problems, so I don't need the work assistance programs, and I am an introverted hermit, so I don't need the social assistance programs. I am able to deal with people most of the time when I do go out to run errands. Due to my health issues, I don't get out often, though.

Whether you seek a formal evaluation should be based on whether you can benefit from any of the programs out there, and on whether you really feel a need for a formal validation of your condition. I don't see any benefit for me from the treatment programs out there, and I don't need the formal validation. I have too many of the Asperger's traits to be other than an Aspie. I follow the rule of duck. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. I am an Aspie duck.

Due to your age and your expressed desire for a formal evaluation, I think you should consider getting one. It would give you an official solution to your life questions, and would qualify you for various programs, including work and social programs, and would provide you with protections under the Disability laws.

Good luck, and again, welcome to WP!

Welcome to WP!

Well, to me you don´t come over as especially weird

An aspie duck? What is that? A duck that waddles away from the bunch, can't look at itself in the water because the sun's reflection is too intense, and pecks and pecks on its wings till there's spots where feathers use to be?