What now?

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Hi, I'm Mike, or mesious, whichever you prefer. I'm 25, male, right now living in Parkersburg, WV, but I'm from Morgantown. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I have a psych appnt. in December. I've been diagnosed with depression since I was 14, but it hasn't really gotten better despite all the medication and years of expensive therapy. I've known about Asperger syndrome since my niece was diagnosed with moderately severe autism (I'm not exactly sure of the details) when she was 2 or 3. However, I didn't know the symptoms. Then one day I was watching an episode of House on DVD and the possibility that Dr. House had AS was brought up, whereupon they listed a few of the symptoms. They sounded eerily familiar. So, a few days later--just a few days ago--I checked out Wikipedia for more information. It was like a light turned on in my mind. Suddenly, after so many years of wondering why I was so different--in good ways and bad ways--from almost everyone else, here might be the answer.

By the time I got to the bottom of the page I couldn't stop crying. Finally I had stumbled upon something that made sense. Everything matched, from hyperlexia (I read at an 8th grade level in 2nd grade and scored perfect on the reading comprehension section of the ACT) to Sensory Integration Dysfunction and social difficulties (dropping out of school, never holding a job which required me to interact with people). I was elated that now, perhaps, things will get better and angry that I had been so misunderstood and subsequently mistreated and abused by so many people, including my parents and "older kids" that were the only friends I could maintain interest in as a teenager. Now I can finally stop punishing myself, as I know that I'm not a bad person but a different person. I used to hate myself, and believed that I was simply lazy, stupid and mean. I would force myself into situations that were almost unbearable because I thought that I had to, and because I thought that I was acting like a child to get out of doing things that were, at worst, slightly difficult to most people.

Anyway, I won't tell you my life story. I am wondering, though, what I should do now, besides the obvious visit to the psychiatrist. Also, my friends don't believe me. My girlfriend, who knows me better than anyone, recognized it just as quickly as I did when she read the information. It really hurts that my close friends don't believe me.

Another thing. Along the way I tried about every possible drug, prescription and otherwise, to "make me normal." Subsequently, I'm now going to a methadone clinic every day, although I'm switiching to Suboxone soon and will then quit entirely. My couselor at the clinic barely seemed to know what AS is, and the nurse gave me the extremely irritating "we all want to be alone sometimes." Why don't trained counselors seem to know, or maybe just don't care, about AS?

So, sorry if I've ranted a bit but I have a lot to get off my chest.

Hello everyone. I'm so glad this place exists.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Heya Mike, welcome

very similar story... ur so right on this place existing...even if everyone hated me on this site...the mere www addy is soothing for some reason eheh

as for drugs...pot is the best one i've found if i want to feel 'normal' for a while... it sorta connects me with my body or something...

mostly my friends didn't believe me either....only my gf and family who had know me for years 'in a home environment' ..not somewhere i tried to have a human mask on... not sure on the answers there...i just persist in reinforcing it...i think part of the reason is they mostly abused my naiveness and liked me for entertainment value....and feel a bit guilty about it now

thanks folk.

tim i like your poem signature, if that's what it is.

deutha,
i forgot about being the entertainment for everyone. i did that too, at home and in school when i wasn't extremely depressed.

i seem to pretty much always be depressed too, even when things are ok....almost like i will intentiionally sabotage myself...

anyways i look at it like this! ignorance is bliss......so i must know some s**t

hmm on further thought.....if Wikipedia was consciously aware of itself......it would be the most depressed living thing on the planet...

I loved that episode of House!

welcome.


and breathe. seriously....breathe. concentrate on it...feel your breath flowing through your body, giving life.



this is a safe place.

it's hard for me to believe that any place is safe, willow. i think i've just seen too much. but thanks.

you'll see.

you know what, willow? not everyone here is a magical internet pixie genius with cat eyes whose thoughts are made of robot silk. oh, wait, we are, aren't we.

i just had a HUGE fight with my girlfriend. f**k. i think it's actually over. i don't know what to do. we've been together for more than 2 years. she stormed out with a glass wine (she'd already downed four) and i'm worried she'll drive off a cliff. f**k.