I'm autistic, and maybe it'll get better without denial.

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I'm D, and I'm autistic. 'Hi D'

I'm running up on a decade-old diagnosis, and for somewhat longer than that nothing worked right. I didn't, my mind, my body didn't. I've a host of other maladies than ASD, and since it's inconspicuous in the light of permaflare Ulcerative Colitis or manic depression, it lay dormant for so terribly long, usurping everything I'd worked for, setting me apart from others with some invisible barrier of not being desired... or desiring.

I'm realizing tonight that no, I haven't conquered my autism, it's conquered me and everything I've ever worked for. Its manifestations have infected all my efforts, undermined my desire to produce and be useful, and sapped my stock of friends down to those whom only the 'goodness' of a person matters...which I suppose, is tremendous flattery that they are die-hard supporters of me and everything I do. Unfortunately, very sparse good friends and moral high-ground do not make for acceptance, or bill-paying, or production, or self-worth.

After spending a long time reading not cold scientific data regarding the irregularities in brain activity, or repetitive motions, or physical features associated with autism... but instead the personal accounts of friends-of, family-of, and those autobiographical documents by high-functioning and self-identified autists, I've realized just how unbelievably 'wrong-planet' I am, and how relevant all the drawbacks are to my problems.

I've fought off the incredible anxiety, the ultra-perfectionism, the un-social behavior (yet a strong desire to interact) for all my life and thought I was winning. Well it's won, I'm about to lose the best job I'll probably ever have because of my autistic anxiety and resultant screwups, and probably later today will I be informed that my weekend will be far longer than three days. It feels like another notch in an already ruined knife, more permanent damage to my possibilities and potential, more wasted time and money. Less better.

A community like me is a double-edged realization.

On one hand, I don't have to be alone, to pioneer all the ways to get along, to find people whom I already have something in common with. I don't need to be the test-case, I can be the recipient of someone else's knowledge.

On the other hand, knowing that others fight and lose this battle all the time... is un...unbelievably disheartening. Hello WrongPlanet. I'm D...or Kobura, and I'm autistic.

Welcome! You're among friends here.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welkome to WP

Mick

Thank you for your kind words. I've just started seeing a professional again, today, even though my car was totaled due to (unbelievably awful terrible) conditions last week Tuesday, and I lost my job because of that.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed by terrible right now, kneecapped yet again, fate or chance devouring literally all I'd worked for, a story I've lived more times than I can actually count.

Welcome to WP!

I'm sorry to hear that. I don't have a car anymore but I know how hard it is to deal with everything. My job is now cut to about 3 or 4 hours per week and I have no money for the rent or for food right now so I'm "borrowing" food from roommates. My entire life I've slipped through the cracks of any public assistance programs for food or money or education due to bureaucratic rules and I'm feeling pretty hopeless now myself. I've worked so hard all my life and was doing well for a little while but now I've got few material and no monetary things to show for it.