How to share your AS with friends/peers?

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Hi - I'm yet another newbie... My name is Brett, I am 25. I recently discovered I have AS and I am still digesting the whole idea... looking back through my life with a whole new perspective. I feel both simultaneously relieved and burdened by this new insight. On one hand, discovering the "world of Aspergers" has answered endless questions that have plagued me throughout life and it is so refreshing to see that other people have had these same experiences and problems. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a quantifiable reason for being how I am, other than just being "ufcked up". I've always recognized my difficulties navigating the social landscape, where others seem to do so with ease, and having a solid, scientific reason for this is very relieving.

My first instinct is to rush out and barrage all my friends and peers with this new information, but deep down, I know that they will not be quite as fascinated with the whole thing as I am. I dont like drawing unwanted attention to myself either. But at the same time, I really want these people to understand why I am like I am.

I have learned to adapt to my inadequacies rather well. I am a good actor and can pretend like I know what the hell I am doing. I tend to subconciously mimic people I spend a lot of time with, which eventually annoys them, but I can't help it. I think most people I know would be surprised that I have AS, because I hide it so well, all the while, being torn up and alienated inside.

Other than my mother, I have 3 close friends which I will undoubtedly share my discovery with, but my question is: how should i present this to other aquaintances and co-workers?

Do I hit them over the head with it? Keep it to myself? Let it come about naturally, if it comes up in conversation?

Personally, I am somewhat annoyed when someone makes a personal discovery and it suddenly dictates everything they do and who they are. Like when a gay guy comes out of the closet - suddenly they arent the same person, everything is about being gay. They lose their individuality and just become another gay guy.

I don't want that to happen with this, but I have this urge to tell everyone I meet, as if I hope it will make up for all my social missteps.

So... is there a proper way to go about this? How do you break the ice? How big of a deal do you make it?

Will people be more accepting of me with this knowledge or will it just cause me to be more outcast?

I have this initial "fantasy" that suddenly people will be more welcoming and invite me into their social circles now that my social awkwardness can be readily explained, but I realize this is probably a big stretch from reality and worry that it can have the adverse effect of pushing them further away.

For the most part, I quite like my solitude, but wouldn't mind a little more of the companionship and support that friends bring.

So, basically, I am hoping to ascertain how others who have discoverd they have AS (especially as adults) have dealt with the news and shared it with others, and what effects those actions had in real life. Were your experience sharing good or bad? Or both?

I've read many posts advising people with friends/lovers with AS to be more direct and understanding of how the disorder works. I think this is right on the nose, as the few close friend I have, seem to be able to do this naturally. Do other people tend to follow suit? Will sharing this discovery help me to interact better with them?

Sorry for the long post... my mind is still reeling a bit! Thanks, in advance, for any helpful tips or stories.

Brett

That's a tough one. It is true that telling them you have asperger's will make them categorize you for it. I have not completely decided whether to tell people or not. As for relationships, I have had still had success with girls who found out I had asperger's.

Wow, I'm still sorting through this one myself. What's clear is that most people haven't a clue what AS is and as a result don't really much care what you've made up about yoursef. Others will be quite receptive to what is happening. I've identified a couple of other aspies at work whom I expect to talk to about it at some point in the future. I've shared it with 3 NT's there, 2 of whom don't seem at this point to understand or care what it even means. The third is very glad to have this knowledge, it's helped him deal more positively with our engineer (one of the other aspies) and to see it in his own son. So the best advice I could share is to look for the people who are most likely to appreciate knowing about AS.

As for your social status it is probably already improving as you become more comfortable with who you are. You know and can capitalize on youtr strengths. You can also share with those you trust your weaknesses and what they can do to help you around them. For example I have a hard time prioritizing my projects and the tasks within them and I've made my supervisor aware that this is a weak spot for me. Now he watches and whem I look lost he steps in and pretty soon my course of action is clear. It's actually very encouraging to him that I know I am not in all ways superior to him and that at times I need him to help me instead! All this occurred without telling him about AS.

HI Lat and Welcome!! ! I live a few hours north of you and used to travel that way when my sibling lived down there. Pretty neat terrain. Not to washington-not to california

Um. I recently did like you are contemplating--to make up for my social failures/awkwardness or just to explain why I 'dont get' every one elses mores/societal norms.

The responses were thus.

No your not.
No your not.
No your not.
No your not.
And one guy who I used to have trememdous trouble with ribbing me alot about 'neck biting' 'flapping arm to the chest' and stuff--he actually lightens the mood for me.

but the no your nots...sigh. They can't see what you can't explain to them.

Then I saw this shirt. It said "you can't fix stupid". Now the gal wasn't stupid, but she was on to something. So I went and found all these great t-shirt sites. But...alas-I get distracted to easily AND work at minimum wage..so I havent followed through there just yet--really though, I think it was all the selections.

I don't let the no your nots bother me to much. It helps to not go and tell your greatest critics that your autistic/asperic.

Others that I know, just didn't really answer. I think they are processing, not really having a frame of knowledge.

I hope you get some more experienced answers.
bye n take care!

Hi lostatlimbo, glad to meet you.

I myself have told many people about my Asperger's. It is not something to be ashamed of! Explain that it is not a mental illness (because its not!), but its more of a personality type. People will be interested when you tell them about your way of seeing things. Unless of course the person you are telling is very common and has no respect (i.e. many teenagers in my area - I wouldn't tell them). Just explain that you have Asperger's and that it makes the whole world seem different to you than to a neurotypical person.

I'm not sure I can give you advice, but I can tell you what has worked in some way for me. At the risk of sounding unmotivated to solve my own circumstances, I believe my NT wife has been instrumental in advising many of our friends and acquaintances about AS, and with very good results. (She with the help of a few physician friends knew of my AS almost three years before I heard Temple Grandin on NPR and announced my "discovery" to her.) Practically, my wife's success in this would seem to make abundant sense because she is better able to read folks, making the decision to disclose--or not--easier, how to modulate the message on the fly depending upon the recipient's realtime reaction, etc. Some of this ground regarding disclosure I will, however, plow for myself--particularly with advising family and a few friends of very long standing. With this latter group I guess I feel I've taught myself how to adequately communicate for good effect, even though that may have taken nearly fifty years to learn.

As Alex advised, your's is a tough situation, but you'll probably need more than one strategy of approach, so perhaps you'll want to consider how an NT friend might help--at least in part.

You should also watch to see if people try to boss you around and bully you, in order to make you appear to be less Intelligent than you truly are. Cut those people off, because they aren't worth your time.

Okay, so when it comes to my peers in general, i usually have to wait and see how well we get along before I tell them about my Asperger's. I usually decide to tell somebody if I feel I can become friends or a better acquaintance with this person, but usually I keep it to myself. Now, I'm in college and I'm living in the dorms. In the dorms, there are only two people that I will tell (even without really knowing them before I tell them) and they would be my RHC and my RA: Resident Hall Coordinator and Resident Advisor. Now, I feel that these two people need to know just in case there's a problem with roommates and/or other people on my floor.

I'm only 14, but heres what I did. For a long time, I knew I was an Aspie, but I told very few people. Then one day I just said the hell with it and gave a presentation on it in class. That was a lot of people who then understood why I was so wierd, they started telling a few of their friends. Noe that big chunk of people know, I tell anyone who asks, but I don't just bring it up out of the blue. I don't have to deal with employers yet, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I know you don't have the option of talking to classmates, but if there's some other way you can let a large number of people know at once, thats what I'd recommend.

I have told but a handful of people. One friend seemed shocked and tried to argue that I was normal then seemed to forget the whole conversation. Another took it ok but then later blamed my not agreeing with her on every subject being because of my Aspergers. I was shocked to know the assistant to the doctor that diagnosed me did not know I have AS. I sort of blurted it out that both me and then dr's son both have AS which shocked her. She didn't know what it meant and seemed to think it had something to do with being ret*d because she said "but you're really smart aren't you?". Which I responded that at age 11 had IQ of 165 which normally I don't speak of but didn't want her thinking AS was about being ret*d.

Really I'd suggest keeping quiet about AS, especially to anyone in power such as bosses, landlords and even some medical providers and insurance companies. Certain people could use their power against someone with AS or take away certain privileges like driving or living alone or being allowed to make medical decisions for one's self. I decided its best to keep the ol mouth shut because in a hospital or nursing home situation it could be like being a kid again and being bullied and tortured by those in charge. Seriously I think we all need to think about those things. AS is nothing to be ashamed about, but letting others know could sometimes turn out detrimental.

Well, you could just say "My brain is a bit different from; it causes me to excel in certain aspects while not being as good at others."