New to this site, and newly diagnosed.

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Hi, I have just received a diagnosis of Aspergers and am wondering how others have dealt with introducing this topic to their friends and family. I am a thirtysomething male with literally no day-to-day close friends. The only friends I have live several hours away (at least), and they are also few and far between. I told my parents. That's it, so far. I don't feel very close to any other friends. I don't have anyone that understands me, and I'm afraid to lose the people who barely understand me if I tell them about my diagnosis. I have asked my parents to get help/support in order to help me, but they don't seem too interested in that idea.

The diagnosis fits me very well, and many of others' stories on WP and in case studies that I've read fit me with an uncanny accuracy. I'm not fond of having the diagnosis, but it does help to explain my anxiety and depression issues and my OCD tendencies.

My main problem is making and keeping friends. Most of the time, I don't even want to try-- but deep down inside, I do want to try because I am human and I want to have social interaction with another real live human being who will ask me about my day and care whether or not I am happy and actually have a desire to understand me and to help me through life.

So, any tips that anyone has for me would be really appreciated. I am in Southern Upstate New York, near Ithaca. I work in higher ed, and don't really have a problem with keeping a job as long as the job description is very clear. If people try to be social with me on the job or invite me to social functions, then things become a lot more difficult.

So far, I cannot tell whether or not being diagnosed makes me feel better or worse.

Thanks in advance,
Lemert

i wouldn't tell anyone you're not really close to. welcome to WP. you'll most likely find some of that human contact you're looking for here.

what field do you teach?

Hi Lemert, I cant imagine having been diagnosed so late, I was 14 when i was, it helped knowing growing up knowing what i had and that i needed to work on things, I think that having this as a young person made it easier on me. As for telling people, I only tend to tell people that I need to know, such as roommates in college. It is hard, but if they are the type of friends you can trust knowing this, they wont judge. It may even help those who do know you, make it easier to find a way to relate to you. Not sure if I have helped, but having gone 8 years with this, I can say just relax and if they are worth having in your life, this wont affect your relationships with them

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Hey Lemert,

I've got diagnosed with Asperger just 2 months ago and I do ask the same question about who to tell. The biggest problem for me right now is that I yet don't really know how much Asperger did and still does change my life. I've told some people and the first thing they respond is "what does it make you feel like" and "what is aspergers/autism all about". Both of those questions I can't answer as of yet, which leaves me and the person I told clueless.

No-one I've told yet has turned away from me, instead they wanted to help, but I don't really want their help because they can't really understand what I'm going through. And that is because of why I've joined this forum to talk about it with people who don't only care, but who do understand.

As cathylynn said, I would keep it to good friends. People who already know I'm different and do care about me but don't care that I'm a bit different. On the otherhand I kinda lure around on datingsites, I did already do that before, before and after I was diagnosed. It did help to just tell strangers because it was like by telling others I needed to make up my mind and connect everything to a bigger picture.

I've gone through a lot ups and downs since I started to get diagnosed, I even did ride a train back and forth while crying without even noticing that I was back at the station where I've had entered the train. And I've said to myself that it is okay to be sad, the plans I've had will probably need to change and I did now finally try to settle with the idea that I won't be able to be as social skilled as an neurotypical.

Give your self some time to get to know Aspergers, get to know yourself a bit better before you try to explain it to your friends. Atleast that is my experience from the last 2 months.

Hi and Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Deciding how and when to tell people is a tricky one. I agree with Nils that you should wait until your own feelings have settled before telling anyone else. Then only tell those who you are closest to and tell the in whatever way makes you most comfortable. It may be that they won't be as surprised as you think they will be, and I'm sure they will be supportive if they are good people.

Thanks for all your replies. I don't mean to sound rude, but I will limit (initially) my personal/identifying information on here, so, for example, I don't feel comfortable (yet) stating the field I teach.

I appreciate your thoughts on my original post. I think that the hardest thing for me so far is that I don't understand Aspergers, so how could I expect others to understand it? Plus, it seems like I know a lot of know-it-alls who would probably think they already understand exactly what it is, and would pigeon-hole me. The balance of them would probably think I'm being dramatic or making something up, and I don't want to be in the position of having to defend my diagnosis-- this has already happened with one person that I thought was more-or-less a friend.

Aspergers is different for everyone. Be honest when they bring those things up and tell then that it is new to you and you don't yet know exactly what effect Aspergers has on your life. If you don't want to talk about it, tell them. The important thing is not if they care about it, it is that you do care about it. You are allowed to know who you are, don't let others tell you different.

It takes time to really understand what Aspergers means to you and your life. Take that time.

Welkome to WP

Mick

As we are of similar age and I am also fairly newly diagnosed, I am in much the same situation. Only my mother knows as I really don't have anyone else to tell. The issue of disclosure is something I'm thinking a lot about too. I decided I better learn more about it and, therefore, myself before worrying about telling anyone else.

I would recommend tring a few books and sitiing with the diagnosis for a bit. Check out Apserger's From The Inside Out by Michael John Carley. He was also diagnosed as adult at about this age. It was really helpful.

Anywho, welcome to WP!

I am definitely going to take this advice to learn more about me and Asperger's before I tell very many people. My experience bringing it up with my parental units did not go over so well... long story... but I should not have told them (yet).

One issue I'm having right now is that I have a hard time with withholding information from others. I feel dishonest somehow... not sure how to explain it, but I feel like I need/have to tell others (even though I recognize cognitively that this is not true). This is part of a bigger issue I have with having poor social boundaries-- and from what I've read so far, that's not atypical for an Aspie.

Anyone have suggestions for dealing with this cognitive-emotional dissonance?
Thanks!

I know what you mean about the lying and the urge to tell. What I found was that when I asked myself what I would say I knew I could quite get the words right. That why I decided to read a bunch and learn the terms. Feeling ill prepared definitely helped in resisting the urge to stand out on the street and scream it to the world.

Also, I got some very good advice. When thinking about disclosing, ask yourself what out you are expecting to get out of the disclosure? What if they don't react how you would like them to? Are you prepared for those results?

Just a place to start.