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Hello All,
I decided it was important to write an about me post before doing any large amounts of posting on these forums. Honestly I’m writing this greeting after having completed the writing and I have to say it has been very therapeutic for me. I’ve always had thousands of events that happened throughout the course of my life running through my head trying to ‘figure them out’. Putting it all in writing seems to alleviate my mind, including the mental fatigue I’ve been experiencing. I have avoided editing and revising the text to insure that the flow of my mind gets effectively reproduced onto the page.

For the past six years of my life I was in a deep depression and I was not entirely sure ‘why’. There were question I did not have the answer to but I did not know what the questions were to even attempt answering them. I wanted to socialize and didn’t know how so over the past two years I embarked on two independent social excursions.

Because I had no idea what the problem was or how to fix it I revolved these excursions on the two questions my mother and father have asked me continuously. These questions were “Why can’t you be normal and go out and make friends” and “Don’t you like women” respectively.

Knowing how much people like money I decided that would be my basis for attaining friendship. Sharing large amount of wealth in the form of substance abuse seemed to allow me to not only get people to stay around me, but “turn my brain off” allowing me to better communicate with (as I call them) the addicts. The problem was that I could only collect the information but not analyze while under the stresses involved, so I did not know when and if I had collected enough information; this problem ended up being costly mainly in the form of tolerance build up and subsequently addiction.

At this point I think I have my answer “friends are useless” and thusly my mother’s question answered. It did not occur to me that the answer did not answer my father’s question; this became blatantly obvious after having returned to school to complete my grade twelve.
In my classes I started to notice particular pieces of body language that was similar to that of the body language of women in the romance genre of TV and movies, in the girls around me. My desire to attempt to “court” these girls was non-existent but the words of my father continued to ring in my head.

Having known what happened during my first excursion I planned a bit better this time, I insured that only a small sum of money was accessible, and contemplated the easiest “in” to the social world to make my attempts at being a “player”. It turned out that my sister was the most obvious entry point back into this world, and once again I began to delve deeper and deeper collecting more information, this time getting out much sooner and easier due to the limited funds at my disposal.

Now I think I have an answer to my father’s question which is “women are useless”. The problem still remained that I did not seem capable of doing these things by any other means then with money, and actual social interaction confused and repulsed me. I’ve been told that the only way to survive in the world is to be social, but this seems to be the only thing I cannot do, so why?

Then eight months ago while using the toilette I noticed a magazine article inside the magazine my mother had left on the radiator cover “Do you have Asperger’s?” At first the article attracted me due to the mention of Albert Einstein, thinking to myself “what could possibly have been wrong with Albert Einstein”. Having read through the article and the diagnosing material a thought came into my head “This seems an awful lot like me”, so I read to diagnosing material again. What I can remember about the diagnostic material is that 5 out of 6 were me entirely and the most influential point was “difficulty with social interaction”. Even after reading this and having mentioned it to my mother (who still continues to think I’m a hypochondriac because due to this self-diagnosis) I didn’t think much on it and continued to wallow in my depression.

I’m 18 turning 19 in a few months at this point and spent the past two year being extremely active within the social world and thus do not have a grade twelve, my life is at the point where I have to start making something of myself and being responsible. My depression has caused me to turn to online gaming which has been the reason for the drastic change in scholastic achievement as well as work ethic. Who would possibly hire me onto a job I’ve been fired from my first job (due to circumstances pertaining to my first job) and have dropped out of grade twelve a total of 3 times. My only skillset is that I can play half the specs and classes on World of Warcraft, have a high total level in Runescape, knowledge of several other online games, and can build and fix computers from the most basic level.

Fortunately I find a job placement program that trains potential workers and puts them in their most suited job positions. I lie a lot throughout the interview as well as the training, every answer that involves me being the way I want to be, but not necessarily the way I am I say is true, which causes contradictions in my answers (how can a person be analytical and impulsive at the same time?). But this is where it starts to get interesting (I think anyway).

All of the information I’ve been gathering since I can remember (which is from the age of 1-3, with missing details) suddenly starts being pieced together and things that never occurred to me before seem unbelievably obvious. Over the past six months all of my memories have been strong together both representing questions as well as their answers of which I did not know were there. To avoid writing a short novel about my life I’ve thought about the most important details of my life which I believe had the most influence on my mental development, or lack thereof. Since I never had a strong interest in calendric models the best I can do is create a timeline based on grade level to help give a clearer picture.

Grade Primary Orientation:
• Mother promises to wait outside for me.
• All of the children I haven’t seen before make me nervous.
• My mother lied to me and I had to wait for her to come get me.

Grade Primary:
• Confused as to why the seats have been moved around.
• My name plate is placed at a different spot than when I picked one out during orientation.
• Did not make any new friends
Grade One:
• Figured out how to climb fences and trees.
• Made new friends while creating fort in apple tree
• Wrote a 5 page story on imaginary dinosaurs
• Mom calls police on friends for hurting me, I think “doesn’t that make me a bad friend?”

Grade Two:
• The boy club is formed we play a lot and I want to be leader.
• Start becoming goods friends with a boy named Jason.
• While on Jason’s step I figure out how to pronounce words (I pronounce
calculator as kankalator, I remember how his mother pronounced calculator and replay it
in my mind while I sound it out with my mouth.)
• The school moves to a new building, I wish it didn’t because now I get a bus.
• I start to notice I can read easier, better, and faster than everyone else.

Grade Three:
• The school has moved to a new location again, my bus has to go farther.
• The amount of students in the class has doubled grade 3 and 4 together.
• My shyness starts to become more apparent.
• I learn how to do algebra on my own, friends and teacher says it does not exist.
• I don’t understand why I can’t do multiplication with the grade 4’s.
• I start to think I should make more friends.
• My friendship with Jason degrades in my attempt to befriend others I don’t know why.
• I hurt Jason with the wheel of my bike, I thought it was play.
• Jason stops being friends with me.

Grade Four:
• I start becoming interested in anime shows.
• My interest in sciences begins to emerge.
• I begin to notice that the school as well as my mother make stupid rules.
• My friendship fluctuates between Mathew and Joseph
• Mom thinks Joseph was bad influence but wants me to hang out with him because
• Mathew is worse.
• I over think a Valentine’s Day gift to a girl I like, she and her friend make fun of me.
• I score ‘Z’ on the reading level test everyone else gets ‘A-M’.
• I get offered a chance to do a presentation at the university, I willingly accept.
• Children doing presentations are all in grade 6
• End up having to do the presentation myself I fear I don’t know the information well
enough, I drop out.
• I drink second beer and first cigarette with Mathew (first beer was with papa earlier in life).




Grade Five:
• School has move to yet another location.
• Only one grade in this class but just as many people including the girl who made fun of me
• Still cannot seem to make any new friends, Mathew is gone so I’m friends with Joseph.
• My bully like habits increase and I still think it’s play.
• I’m angry at my teacher for teaching “counting” of all things in math class.
• Old friend from apple tree and Mathew gang up on me, I push them to ground and thrash the apple tree friend, tearing up his back.
• When the authority asked what happened I had an elaborate lie already formed.
• I give up on myself and start mimicking other personalities.
• Joseph avoids me.

Grade Six:
• School has move to another location.
• Just as it was the year before a lot of new children.
• Form new friendships involving shared work load, I correct all their mistakes.
• I become more interested in scientific exploration and begin experimenting with circuitry.
• Become attracted to a girl and can’t tell if she likes me.
• Joseph starts letting me hang out with him again.
• To hang out with Joseph I need to skateboard, I find it extremely difficult.
• All my marks are ‘Excellent’ with the exception of social studies being ‘Very Good’.
• Interest in popular music begins.

Grade Seven:
• More new people
• Attempts to make new friends do not succeed.
• Mom grounds me for four months for staying out with Joseph too late.
• I become very angry at my mother, but soon fade.
• All music is taken away except for Eminem CD’s which I listen to for the full four months.
• Start skateboarding with Joseph again.
• Attain an average of 96 and highest scholastic standing for my class.
• Ask the teacher why I got a 99 in math instead of 120 (20 bonus points) he says to challenge me.
• Ask if I’ll be skipped ahead any grades, no I won’t because “school is about learning to socialize as well”.
• Dreams of being skipped ahead die and my depression begins.
• New member joins Joseph’s group named Rory, we become friends.
• Start playing Runescape

Grade Eight:
• Still attempting to learn how to skateboard
• Rory and I start smoking a lot
• See no reason in putting effort into school anymore.
• Stop doing class work, homework, projects, and attention to teacher fades.
• My eyesight deteriorates from playing Runescape, other games, and watching TV to closely.
• Move to a house closer to school.
• Friends don’t want me around
• Start coming to school late
• Bring beer to skate park for friends to drink, I drink them all alone.
• Lose all my friends.
• Runescape and online game addiction begins.

Grade Nine:
• Most of the people in class I’ve seen before.
• Due to online friends I met playing Runescape, desire to make friends is reduced.
• Late for school almost every day and don’t show up for some morning classes especially math.
• Spend all free time and any other time I can spare playing Runescape or other minor games.
• Sleep through math classes and listen to the slow kid next to me talk.
• Sign up for IB math and no other IB courses to avoid work.

Grade Ten:
• New friend named TJ on Runescape
• Show up late for first day, new schedule is very different.
• Teacher constantly telling me I need to show up more often, and do my work.
• Still get high marks on tests teacher start leaving me alone
• Begin skipping more and more of my classes for more sleep or gaming.
• TJ and I compete to level skills and attain gold in Runecape, we begin playing other games as well.
• Online gaming becomes the focal point of my life.

Grade Eleven:
• Skip the majority of classes, show up only once or twice a week to find out topics.
• Authority becomes very irritated at my attendance combined with high marks and begins to threaten.
• Start playing World of Warcraft with TJ the difficulty level is much greater than Runescape
• Begin researching better and faster ways to play my class
• Guild I joined is bad, can’t advance anymore so begin playing other specs and classes.
• Get hired at my first job
• People at work play World of Warcraft too but nowhere near my level of competence
• Play Runescape for short time then back to World of Warcraft to find new guild
• New girl at work overthink asking her out and get rejected.
• Attempt to make friends with gamers at work by dumbing myself down, doesn’t work.
• Begin preparations for excursion.
• Excursion begins
• Get fired from job, and drops out of school.

I’ve interconnected all of these details with information I learned throughout my excursion, as well as through some of the workforce training I had taken through the work placement program. The end product always seems to point toward me having some form of autism predominantly Asperger’s. Knowing this I seen the inevitable problems I would have working within an office on a job I have only a minor interest in (computer programming) and the very odd social requirements it seems to require.

The one thing that has been constant throughout my life has been my interest in math, but what could I do with it? Math is the language of patterns, combined with symbolism it is used to represent the very thing that allows current human society to exist as it is today “measurement” (is my thesis for the university entrance paper I’m planning). Of every field of study what uses measurements the most?
The two main branches of science which are physics and chemistry completely revolve around making measurements.

This is not enough for me though, this is where I want to start, but whenever I look at a large selection of encyclopaedias my heart begins to beat faster, and the fact I will most likely never be able to know everything they contain causes great mental stress to the point I cannot focus on what it is I am reading at the time. I have to learn physics and chemistry that describe the physical world around us as we know it. I have to use that knowledge to branch off into other fields of study, biology, language, music, art, medicine, law, politics, philosophy, and religion. I have to learn it all not being able to would certainly mean my death.
I view those around me who live for no other reason other than to live as parasitic because with reference to our planet and its resources that’s exactly what they are. If you are not doing anything productive and if you’re wasting all of your time and energies for things that even you will most likely not remember soon after, why do it at all? I spent 6 years of my life being a person like that and it has got me nowhere, I still live with my mother, I still know next to nothing about the world around me but I want to know more, I want to ask questions and I don’t want to believe things just because I’m told they’re true; I want to insure that what has been accepted as true is true by any means necessary.

With this I ask, “Is it true I have Asperger’s? Am I just an as**ole like I’ve been nicknamed since a young child? Is being able to socialize really as important as it is implied by society? Is there something wrong with me or is it everyone else?”

The very nature of humans is that you ask a question but it just leads to more questions, the ability to answer as many of these questions as possible is what intelligence is.

Ignorance is not bliss, I’ve tried it.

Hi Ericys! Welcome to Wrong Planet! Check out the many interesting and helpful forums here. The traits you mention in your post do seem to indicate that you may be on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum. Go into the General Autism forum here. There is at least one post article with links to online tests you can take to get a better idea of whether you may be on the spectrum.

I do think you have been looking for friends in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. Here are some better ways to go about it:

- Take courses, either in person, or online. Some of the online ones are free. The in person ones are a good way to meet people.

- Volunteer. There are people worse off than we are, who would really appreciate the help. It's also a good way to meet people, and boost your self image and mood.

- Take up a hobby or join a club. These are good ways to meet people who share your interests.

- Get involved in community activities. Attend town meetings, events at local libraries and other local organizations. Attend local sporting events, fairs, and art shows. Attend and/or participate in local theater groups. Attend events held at local houses of worship. These are all great ways to meet people and boost your self image and mood.

- Employment/or self employment. Great way to meet people, boost self image, put money in your wallet, gain experience. Since you have been having trouble finding work as an employee, perhaps you should consider self employment. There are many types to choose from.

>> Lawn mowing/yard work/gardening.
>> House cleaning.
>> Errand/shopping service.
>> Wait for service people, so the home owner/renter doesn't have to take time off from work.
>> House/pet sitting.
>> House chores for the elderly/disabled.
>> Handyman.
>> Tutor.
>> Computer maintenance/repair.
>> Website design.
>> Other website based businesses.
>> Paint houses indoor/outdoor.

There are many other self employment opportunities. Your local libraries will have books with lists and descriptions of them, so look into it.

And remember, you are among friends here at WP! Now, go and do something, and good luck!

That was quite amazing post. It actually made me sad because it reminded so much of my own life. Or at least of that life I had a long time ago. I know it's not a good idea to give advice like "I hope you will get out of that darkness and remember that there is hope" because nobody wants to hear that. Still that advice is true. It is possible to stop feeling the pain you obviously feel from not being able to participate in the social world.

I did feel the same way. The only way I could find true peace was to accept the fact that I couldn't belong in the social world. And that made me stop trying to fit in. In retrospect I'm not sure if that trade-off was worth the peace. I found peace in intellectual activities and science because somehow that seems to be the "only" thing left if you lack the social abilities. You seem to have a great talent so I hope you will be able to find inner peace in mathematics (or whatever field you choose). I did once a long time ago share that same passion for maths. You just need to be careful because it may drive you insane if you cannot control it. It may give you an illusion that it is a world filled with logic and possibilities, but in closer look they may not be that perfect. That leads easily to obession and to an eternal search for something that cannot be achieved.


That is actually what life is all about. Basically every species is simply trying to exist and there is nothing else. Thus there are biochemical reactions that create a feeling of well-being and meaning. At least for neurotypicals. So, they are not actually wasting their lives because they are living to the fullest by doing what they were meant to be doing, which is simply existing. I've been asking the same questions as you are and I thought I could find enlightment in that same darkness you have gone through. But my conclusion was that neither the neurotypical world or the neuroatypical world is the real truth. Both of these worlds are affected by biochemical processes and thus both of these worlds are deceptions; they are simply different deceptions.


No, that is not intelligence. Intelligence is to know which questions need to be asked, which questions are worthwhile to answer and how to find the answers. Simply looking for answers for everything is not true intelligence.

I know all these things I said may sound strange. But I guess your post gave me flashbacks back to that time when I felt the same as you have been feeling. If this post helps you, then I'm glad. If you find this utterly pointless, then I guess I failed.

questor

I have indeed made a number of bad choices in my attempts to make friends. Looking back I see exactly how much energy I spent trying to befriend others and it perturbs me. The way I see it now is all the energy spent trying to solve a problem that will have little value to the human race, as a whole would be better spent solving problems which are of significance. So instead of trying to make friends I’ll let them come to me if they choose to.

I have already contemplated this and it is something I have every intention of doing come this September. Mathletes and Chess Club will likely be my choices.

Bio_Info_Seeker



The difference of philosophy between any two people tends to be great and is rarely every collinear or parallel. Even though science makes more sense of the world around us than religion, it has a vast amount of wisdom to impart; an example of which would be the seven deadly sins (envy, greed, gluttony, lust, pride, sloth and wrath) the very things that destroy a person’s integrity.



“The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible” –Albert Einstein



Intelligence is the ability to learn, remember and interpret information; how can an individual possibly do this without answering a question? By knowing any single piece of information you are subsequently answering any question that could in turn be answered by that piece of information.

Welkome to WP

Mick

"If you are not completely confused by quantum mechanics, you do not understand it." - John Wheeler
Even Einstein failed to understand quantum mechanics. Quantum mechanics is neat because it looks understandable but in reality it's not. So when you understand it you also see that you cannot understand it. I'd rather say: "The most comprehensible thing about the world is that it is incomprehensible”



No, my point was that your argument emphasized on the quantity only. Intelligence is the ability to answer as many important questions as possible while knowing which questions are better to be left unanswered (unsolved). Or is your point that knowing any parameter or argument is a part of the solution, and thereby you have answered a part of the question?

The universe itself is understandable; it is just difficult to understand why it can be understood. It is as if one is solving a problem one cannot see, touch, hear, feel, or smell. Without the use of the senses it leaves nothing but intelligence to solve the problem. Thusly intelligence can be quantified as the amount of answers, or pieces of this puzzle one has solved or completed. However there will come a time when the mind will reach to solve another piece and there will be none left; this will be the limitation of one's intelligence.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

That, Ericys, was a most remarkable post. Remarkable in its frankness. I can absolutely relate to much of what you describe. Too much of it. I don't know if I'm on the spectrum yet either. No matter, so far what I'm reading here and elsewhere strikes a rather insistent note.

It's interesting to ready your views on measurement/mathematics/intelligence (the non-emotional kind) I would love a world that followed those rules a la Spock. But. Even there I'm not the least bit mathematical (save that I love patterns). I'm a language guy (I was exactly as you with the being able to read thing--and English was my second language. By grade 4 I was way ahead of everyone else and had only been exposed to English for just under 2 years). Language and systems/structures. So, to me, mathematics is just another language with certain rules and idioms that require mastery before you can explore/utter anything useful.

I see people as acts of, and in, language. Therefore, they can be 'read', decoded, translated = you can write yourself as one of them. Sometimes it's as simple as wearing a Nike swoosh on your chest, other times the mimesis is much more involved. Anyway, that's what I do/did to be socially more acceptable. The whole point to being social is putting yourself out there as a signifier that the regular folks expect. It's a bit of a game. Like chess.

But. It follows then that you are not, in fact, an a_____; rather someone has, no doubt after being displeased with you, come along to attach that label--which would of course be incorrect. Frankly, as an aside, I'd rather be an a_____ than a vacuous twit awash in what passes for youth culture these days.

I don't know if it will help--but your teen/early twenties--hell, til you're in your 30s really, are difficult for non ASDs, nevermind ASDs. I barely survived them. I admire you for being 19 and already managing the sort of insight and ability to express that you have.

And if it does turn out that you're on the spectrum--there's now so much more awareness and knowledge that you'll find much in the way of resources to help you manage. When I was 19 no one had even heard of ASD (or anything else, really) so I was 'lazy, unfocused, anti-social, and, once, 'would it kill your son to smile more?'.

Never dumb yourself down. Ever.