Hello there.
**A word of caution--this is probably going to be longish/wall-of-text-ish as I never know when to quit. Or stay on topic. **
I've been at this site now for, dunno--3-4 days? (Brought here by Google.) I'm in the fact-finding stage of things. In short, I don't yet know if I am, or am not, on the spectrum. The more I learn (quizzes, etc--reading posts) the more I tend to think I am. Next Thursday/Friday I make my case to my clinician.
In the mean time, already professionally Dxed (must learn the lingo) = BPD, social phobic (probably just closer to being perpetually socially annoyed), adult ADD, major recurring depression. So I've been in the game in that regard for some time now.
I recently read Jodi Picoult's 'House Rules' (despite my wife's teasing 'That's chicklit you know') and started pondering. I ponder a lot. The main protagonist, while, I'm guessing, a composite of the more compelling ASD attributes from a fictional standpoint, did start to tick some boxes. He didn't like/couldn't stand tags in shirts (if I remember correctly) and, of anyone I've ever known, I am the only one with that difficulty. My wife has to cut them out or I won't wear them. Peaches/foam mattresses = ick. Other things too.
But. This guy always told the literal truth, stimmed, had uncontrollable meltdowns (his mother had to sit on him), and he was terribly brilliant in an interest-to-interest way. Near-genius brilliant.
There I left it: I'm not especially bright, don't have full-on meltdowns. Most importantly had was under the misconception that Aspies did not suffer from suicidal ideations, nevermind acting on them. I have no idea how I came up with that. Then I started searching online.
Not true to the ideations thing. Aspies can be of average intelligence. I started re-inventorying my history. It is true that, in a period of one year, I went from barely having turned on a computer to building them, fixing them for other people. Back in the Win95 days--I wanted a little app do do something, there wasn't one, so I taught myself C/C++ and wrote it myself.
Thing is, others can do that--no biggie--but I would read computer books morning noon and night. Books in my bed. Books with sandwich bits in them I'd find later. At one point I knew every CPU brand/model/speed.socket/chipset bla bla bla--you get the idea. Then I moved on to something else. I still love my machines, still build all my own--but it's slowed to nearly nothing.
Same with poetry (from zero to being in a national anthology of up-and-comers in 2 years)--and painting. That one's a little different--I've been drawing since age 4. In 2007, age 43, I decided to earnestly start painting. 4 years later I'm in 2 galleries, had a feature in a major international art magazine, co-own a gallery, have won stuff in competitions. So. I wonder. All of it with that obsessive tendency I have.
I'm really nervous (there are many other indicators) about even posting due to the rather embarrassing possibility that I could well just be an averagely dysfunctional nitwit clamouring to belong somewhere.
I remember, as a kid in Montreal--maybe I was 8 or 9?--I was invited to a birthday party by a girl in my class. Of course I had to go. Gift and everything. I can still see--clearly as if it was this morning--sitting in the alley behind her house (in February) waiting until I thought enough time had passed--dumping the gift in the trash--then returning home with 'What a lot of fun!'. I mean really--who does that???
A question in all this: Is it possible to try and convince yourself that you fit the spectrum simply from a need to have an answer? Something that makes sense? I really don't know. I thought of the chances that a hypochondriac would choose ASD. And I'm not even a hypochondriac. Maybe some really weird variation of Munchausenism. Except I don't like attention at all.
Then again, so much fits. Social isolationism. Not being able to look into people's eyes. When someone is sick to their stomach it's not 'poor wee thing' I think to myself--it's 'do you have to make that racket?' And then I have to cover my ears and say 'bla-bla-bla' to get rid of the noise. I told my wife once 'If a girl needs someone to hold her hair while she's sick she should get a haircut.'
Oh--and routine-busting. Drives me nuts. Bad enough I was over at the in-laws for a luncheon thing--then a last-minute aunt shows up late. Urgh. And you can't say anything!! !
So. Hello. I'm a little frightened to maybe be this, to be here. Everyone's so bloody bright it seems--I'll have to up my game.
Thank you so much for indulging me.
Cheers,
Peter
13 Jul 2012, 2:08 pm
