I am hereby trying to explain my life from birth to where I am today(19 years of age). It is a long story, but those who bother reading through it might be able to relate to it somehow as I am an AS diagnosed individual myself.
Please note that I am Norwegian and therefore, my english might not be up to par.
My birth was painfull to my mother, my birthweight was far above average and my head was pretty big for a baby. Proportions didn't reach a somewhat acceptable equilibrium until I was 13-14 years old.
I grew up in the western part of Norway and still live there. My first day at kindergarten was a horrible teaser of what life was all about. My mother told me that entered with enthusiasm shuting "Kids!" and the "answer" i recieved was an attack. Another kid approached me and pushed me down. I turned pale and cried loud...
I was transfered to another kindergarten where I met my only true friend(at age 3. The friendship is still going strong to this date).
I am not going to go into detail about the disaster that peroid was. The point is: I was an outsider and was treated as one.
At age 7 I attended school. Things weren't better. I was bullied every day because of my accent being different(to name a few of the reasons). People repeated my sentences in intimidating voices, and this turned me into a silent person. Of course, this couldn't be accepted either. Someone once asked me if I was unable to speak. I simply answered: "No.".
I got my first girlfriend at the last year of that school. I apologize for not knowing what the different kinds of schools are in english(elementary, etc...) but I hope you are able to understand what I mean.
This relationship lasted for two days. She broke up with me for the simple reason of me being "Serene and silent" and her being "Wild".
School got worse as time passed. At the peak of the tragedy I had only one friend.
At age 16 I was fed up with the terrorizing, So I punched one of the harrasing persons in the face, almost breaking his nose.
At this time I lifted weights heavily and had packed on an impressive amount of muscle considering my sparse build.
I had some friends during this peroid and they admired my physique, as did the girls. I was still silent because of my accent being the center of atention and laughs.
After having switched school for the third time, I hoped that things would be better. Wrong. They became worse. I was sent to a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with Asperger just before my 17th birthday.
I remember the day they told me that I was autistic. I was shocked! How dared they compare me to drooling handicapped nerds(which was my impression on autism at that time). This worsened my depression and I went to the bottle for relief. My mother was prescribed muscle relaxants for her back-injury at the time, and I secretly stole pills from her to get high.
When she asked me if I had taken any I said "Nope".
Soon, alcohol wasn't enough of a remedy anymore, and I tried hasish.
It was wonderfull! For the first time in my life I experienced true joy and euphoria. I loved to smoke alone and indulge in my inner realms while listening to music. It took away the focus from all the pain and made me forget. The downside was that when the drug-effects faded, so did my happiness. I became even more addicted to hasish than I was to alcohol and soon I had developed a tolerance to it. It also worsened my depression and caused panic attacks, something I had never experienced before. Eventually, hasish didn't do what it was supposed to anymore, and cocaine and amphetamines became my next addiction. Of course, sleeping is impossible for many hours after taking these drugs so i thought: "Well, Heroin will put me to sleep".
I had quit school at that time, and had a job through child custody. This is were I met my first REAL girlfriend. She was the first person who ever cared about me, and when I told her about my diagnosis she didn't change her opinion on me like the other girls did. She was the most loving, beautiful, understanding woman I'd ever met. The relationship lasted for a whole year!
Well, back to the story:
My parents finally found my "stash" and called the police without me knowing. I was high on pills as the police entered my room at 1am telling me to get dressed and follow them. "No way" i thought, and ran up the stairs. They eventually caught up with me and three policemen struggled to carry me out. They didn't succed for a while so one of them elbowed me in the face.
I eventually followed them into their van and was taken to medicine checkup.
I had been cutting myself that night. This was something i started doing to ease the pain. So they sewed me together(I had cut myself about 1.5cm into the flesh with a breadknife!) and took me to another psychiatric institution.
I was tossed back and forth between institutions and still used drugs heavily. I decidedto clean up at summer because my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum: "Her or the drugs". I chose her and have been clean ever since.
There is many more details, horrifying and beautiful that i have left out. But this should give a general impression about what society can do to original individuals, or "aspies" as they call us.
Luckily, life has brightened up for me the last two years. I am now getting along pretty good with people socially.
Still I am plagued with heavy depression, insomnia and a variety of other disorders. But my life is definetly happier than it was for the first 17 and a half years of my life.
Thank you for your attention!
25 Nov 2006, 5:36 pm
