Not sure if it's ASD or I'm just "weird"...

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Hi everyone, I'm Laura. I'm 23 years old and I'm pretty convinced that I have AS, although no formal diagnosis for it has yet been reached. I've struggled with depression, sometimes clinical, my whole life, and I've recently been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I've always had a deep interest in psychology and mental development, and about a year ago I read "The Fabric of Autism" by Judith Bluestone. I would recommend it to anyone who is either on the spectrum or just looking for a refreshing perspective on pervasive developmental disorders and holistic treatment.
I picked up the book simply for pleasure reading, having previously researched all kinds of disorders and syndromes from Tourette's to bulemia to Munchaussen's and lots in between. I was shocked by how much of Bluestone's own Aspergian experience I related to, as well as that of her patients. I was brought to tears to read that other people understood how upsetting a crowded supermarket or a noisy fridge motor could be. It was after about a week of heavy contemplation that I finally got the nerve to talk to my doctor and start getting help.
The process was slow: I started meeting with a therapist and quickly was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but it was Summertime and the psychiatrist working with my family medical team was on an extended vacation. In talking with my therapist, she made the observation that I may have Asperger's, but lacked the training to really say much on the subject. In the three months between starting therapy and actually having my first session with the psychiatrist, I obsessed about Asperger's, so much that I chose not to do any more reading on the subject for fear of convincing myself I had it, and I wanted to keep an open mind. The first session was frustrating. I was very anxious and not yet taking medication, and I had a lot of trouble connecting with the doctor. After talking for 30 minutes the appointment was over, and it felt like we'd spent the whole time discussing anxiety medication instead of what I was there to discuss, and now it would be another month before our next session. I felt thoroughly discouraged and without the proper family support, I gave up on the whole process and tried to go about my life. Well after losing several jobs over panic attacks and becoming depressed to the point of a suicide attempt, I finally accepted that I needed to go back into treatment and seriously look into medication.
I've now been back in therapy for a month, on meds for almost three weeks, and I'm coping much better. Three days ago I quit using marijuana, and this is the longest I've gone without smoking in two years. I'm hoping my newfound clarity will help me to isolate and better understand my anxiety triggers and general thought processes. I've started noting some of the factors that cause me agitation, such as sounds, sights, tactile sensations and social interactions. Again I have been waiting for the psychiatrist to return from vacation, but I think when we do meet I will have more specific information that may help lead to a diagnosis. I hope.
Since our last session I have continued to read every book I can find related to Aspergers and Autism. With each new book I find more reasons to think I have this disorder. Strong language skills but poor social skills; intense focus and high acheivement in my areas of interest, but a near inability to engage in other areas; idiosyncratic thought and monologuing about my interests; strengths in mathematics and spacial relations, but a serious problem with personal organization; a variety of environmental sensitivities; obsessive and inflexible thought, and taking immense pleasure in routine and ritual...and so on.
But then I find differences. I feel I can be very nuturing, while sometimes lacking in sensitivity. I've always taken a deep interest in human behaviour, even while not understanding a lot of it, and I love to people watch. And I feel very confused by the concept of empathy. I find the term "theory of mind" to be more fitting. While I have trouble reading others around me and recognising how they feel moment to moment, I think I am very capable of putting myself in other's shoes, when I have time alone to contemplate. And I have a strong sense of social justice. I often feel outrage and sadness over the persecution and suffering of people I have never and will never meet, and those feelings affect me very strongly. From my reading it seems that many people on the spectrum have trouble with those kinds of thoughts and tend to look at international tragedy and things of that nature with a kind of detachment that I have never felt.
I wonder if some of these differences I've found are more due to a lack of information available on ASD in females. I just began reading "Aspergirls" by Rudy Simone (so far very good!) and it is the first thing I've read specifically pertaining to female Aspergians. I hope it will provide me with insight more specific to my experience. It's also the first book that really encourages using discussion forums like this as a resource. So, here I am! Still not sure if I'm Aspergian or just an odd duck. I don't know if anyone will read all this, I have a strong tendency to write long entries and comments, and I'm constantly apologizing for my "rants". So if you make it to this point, kudos and thank you. And if anyone has some helpful insight, I'd really appreciate it because I'm feeling a bit lost at this point.

You are in luck I am a relatively patient reader.

Even though i am male i certainly can relate to the things you are describing.

Human nature interest me too. Perhaps because we feel like we are outside of it?

I find in A typical social settings (office partys, weddings, etc etc...) I do quite well most of the time.
I think it's because i've spent so much time watching peoples behavior I can now mimic behavior of NT's in situations like these.

Keep moving, say hello to everyone, have some interesting current events,jokes , and anecdotes memorized and ready and never spend too much time with one person.

If i follow these rules people think i'm well rounded and personable, even though i'm actually using a hit and run mentality and not being personable with anyone in particular. Now one on one soon as we are past the getting to know you stage.....i'm a horrible and freeze up.

You sound like an aspi to me.

With all the reading you've done though i'm sure you realize it's not that simple.

I guess my advice is really search yourself and try to be honest with your shrink and don't diagnose yourself as an aspi before she does.

Good luck.
AZB

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Mick

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