I'm a new NT with an urgent family problem ...

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I have an adult son with what I have thought of as "mild" AS. He has a wonderful wife and a son and a very good career. I have never shared with him my knowledge of his AS - I only became familiar with the disorder when he was attending college, and by that time he had assimilated into the "mainstream" so well I felt it was unnecessary to tell him what I knew he had. He had become more sociable, had friends and girlfriends, and -other than "quirks" that people probably thought a bit different- he appeared quite "typical."

He married a wonderful woman, and they had a child, who is more important to me than I can express in words (although I can be very wordy!) I knew that they had used a procedure similar to IVF, but they never explained the reason for having to use that method.

My husband and daughter-in-law and I have been very disturbed lately by my son's angry outbursts when his son does something he shouldn't. These are brief, but he raises his voice alarmingly. Each of us has warned him that he simply cannot act like that in front of his son, since it could be damaging. He is very loving toward his son, and actually to all of us, but he has always had an anger problem - He shows brief, but obvious rage when things don't "go his way," such as when he makes a mistake or when a favorite sports team doesn't do well. We've always called him out on it, but now that he has a family, the matter is taking on more importance.

My d-in-law and I have been speaking to each other about how we might get him therapeutic help for the anger, but a few days ago, she told me that they actually need therapy for more than just the anger. She divulged to me that they do not have intimate sexual relations. I was shocked! I have read that there can be intimacy problems with Aspies, but my son (whom I'll call Glenn) has seemed so well-adjusted in so many ways. My d-in-law has put up with this for a number of years, because she loves him (and says he is her "best friend"), but she realizes that she can no longer continue to live this way.

I have been doing a lot of reading about AS and sexuality, and have seen many postings by Aspies who consider themselves "asexual" or at least not willing to have sexual relations, because of sensory reasons and/or the emotional discomfort of being intimate. My questions are these: Is there hope for someone like my son to be helped by a therapist who specializes in AS? (Of course, my d-in-law is willing to go with him, whenever indicated.) Has anyone reading this either been helped in this way, or known someone who has been helped?

Much of what I read on forums is quite grim, and I am just hoping that that is because these are circumstances that are still in their infancy in psychology. My d-in-law seems to want to "save" their marriage, and -if that is true- I will do anything to help facilitate that. Since I'm the one family member with the most extensive knowledge of AS, I felt I might find some help from a forum that deals with AS. (Years ago, I belonged to a forum of other parents and relatives of Aspies, and I found it very helpful. I have read recently that WP is the best forum now.) Please let me know anything you can that might help me to help "save" our family. I feel my life is crumbling before my eyes ...

I would say my best guess is it's exhausting for your son to be 'normal,' be connected, be "on." and sometimes when all this effort doesn't work, it's enormously frustrating. And the goal is to graciously back off. Not the goal of never getting angry for that's a trap.

And perhaps this is the time to tell your son you think he might be aspie, or on the spectrum. and just tell him you thought he was adjusting fine enough during college. Especially since grandson may also be on the spectrum, and this may be a big thing which makes your son angry.

But . . . you can't be this involved in your son's sex life. And your daughter-in-law may have made a mistake in telling you. I really recommend, try to get to a place emotionally, where it's okay if your son's asexual, it's okay if he's not. Just like it would be okay if he's gay, okay if he's not.

Thank you both for your responses. To Aardvark: It may very well be the time for me to discuss Asperger's with my son. What I forgot to mention is that I told my d-in-law of my belief that Glenn has AS. I thought it was important for her to know that there may be a "reason" for his behavior. And, it's vital that she understand that not any therapist will suffice. From what I've read, it must be a therapist who specializes in AS.

Believe me, I never dreamed that I would have any knowledge of his sex life, nor have I ever wanted knowledge of it. I believe my d-in-law confided in me for two reasons - (1) Her own mother passed away recently, and she has shouldered this alone, and (2) she may be preparing me for the possibility that the marriage may not succeed, I won't ever tell my son I have any knowledge of this issue, but I believe my d-in-law needs my support as she navigates this. As for accepting my son unconditionally, I always will ... He did choose to have a family, though, and now three lives are affected by the choice he must make next -- either to give up being with his family as they are now, or to seek help in modifying his behavior (if that possibility even exists).

You will just have to accept it that it is already screwed up and you trying to patch things together is not helping. He will be angry at you from with holding this information and that you could have prevented this relationship to develop with all the facts. But it could be me, where my mother forced me to marry the woman because "It is the right thing to do, to make other people happy".

That is a very complicated situation. But I wouldn't be beating youself up over having done anything different. Mainstream is just another word for real world and I think adapting to live in it is the priority, not the other way around.

But now problems have surfaced, possibly related to Aspergers, and such are probably inevitable. Whatever it is, your son needs to come to grips with it, to have the best chance of positive changes.

So I would say in general now is the time for honesty and love. Lots of love. It may be a painfull evolution. It will probably be a painful evolution. But he needs facts right now. Him seeing a medical professional is pretty critical, but you can of course only suggest and there is no saying how he will react or respond.

Ultimately though this is a problem for the two of them to try and work out and I think your role can only be as supporting as you can. So I think it would be better if you or your husband do not take a direct or heavy role.

Toy Soldier, thank you for your thoughtful and reasonable post. Our family is an extremely loving one, which is one reason our d-in-law loves being married to Glenn. Yes, we have quite a "bumpy road" ahead, but we will do the best we can. I will never let me son know that I have any insight into his sex life. That must be handled by his wife and a qualified psycho-therapist. My husband and I will be in the background, available for any support.

In a way, it's a good thing that the temper issue exists, because it would seem reasonable (and non-intrusive) if Glenn thinks that is ALL we know about their relationship problems (well ... anger AND some other communication problems that they, like any couple, have.) The anger issue can be the "reason" for divulging to him that I've suspected for years that he has AS. I don't know if that seems like "keeping even more secrets" from Glenn ... but, on the other hand, I doubt that any of you think there is any benefit to his knowing the very intimate knowledge that I now have. (Correct me, please, if I am wrong.)

To Stalk: Judging from your response and your profile, I'm not sure if you are being serious in your post, or at least serious about being helpful in this case. Your sound quite angry and cynical, and I'm not sure that's the right frame of mind in which to contribute, especially when you infer that this problem is all my fault. I certainly am sorry for the way your mother treated you -that is incomprehensible to me- but I don't think that gives you license to be critical of me. I wouldn't say that your mother's behavior (of which I only know the one instance you gave) was enlightened or loving toward you (or your wife) in any way, but I know in my heart that I have done what I felt (at the time) to be right. I love my son with all my heart, and would never do anything to hurt him.

And you and your husband can be a source of stability for your grandson. Or, just a real relationship, with various activities both you and grandson enjoy doing together.

Thanks, Aardvark ... No matter what the outcome, we will always be his loving and supportive grandparents!

I'm sure you will be.

And whatever happens, hopefully your Son and D-in-law can remain really good friends.

Welkome to WP

Mick