a shock to my core

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So cut to the chase, three days ago someone says the words "You should look into aspergers" and I've been unraveling ever since.
Im in california, 40, service tech type job going on 15 yrs. divorced with two kids.
After the divorce I began this sort of self-reflection where I worked on the personal issues that led to the end of my marrage. You know, the typical "You're more interested in your maps than me, come to bed!" and "I can't have a conversation with you, it's never my turn!" and "I tell you I have cancer and you give me a punchline?"and "I feel less alone when you're gone" and "Oh my god, now it's the Jeep, isn't it? This is your next excuse to hide outside and keep away from me. What's it going to be next? Skydiving?" and "You are the most selfish, self-centered, uncaring, aloof, snide, and bitter man I've ever met."
It was mostly a misunderstanding. I made it from age 16 to 31 with her, which was a good stretch. she didn't understand the obsessions, the compulsions. I couldn't stop doing this thing, this project, this activity, this challange, anymore than a sad girl can just "stop being depressed".
oh my god, and then the computer. I saved up and built it on '01, and I called it a pc, but it's name was "my marriages' straw." It was like having a library at home. I wept. The sweet, sweet library. "Home away from Home, now at home!"
cut to now, and I see these many traits I spent yrs pinpointing and correcting.
my google landed me here, and I saw all of these ME's. not to be insulting. I mean to say I knew with an earthshattering conviction that my life was about to change within minutes. I moved on to this Gillian deal. I go over it and say " that sorta sounds like me. I meet most of this crteria. then this little kid named ME taps me shoulder (he's figurative) and asks me "Whatcha lookin' at, old man ME?" in this pedantic, helpful tone. He loves lists.
I then lose it. sobbing, wailing in that way that only the most unpracticed mourners can. My heart is swelling for this little kid. Couldn't look people in the eye because he was deformed with hemifacial microsomia. It's dawning on me that I had aspergers with a crooked face, deaf in my right ear, spent age 15 with a paralyzed right side of my face from one of my operations (they called me Spock. When I lifted my eyebrows, the right one stayed put, making me look quizzical at the most inappropriate times. a laugh riot.)
the broken jaw at 16. all these things that would suck bad enough for a civilian, but it would seem to be the perfect storm for a kid with undiagnosed Asperger's as well.
that poor kid.
so i took the test and got 158/200, 40/200, very likely.
I always blamed the voices on the deaf ear. never words, people mumbling. The rustles were full of whispered secrets.
I blamed the way I spoke on on the bum ear too.
I look at my old photos in various aspect ratios, and in the 1:1's faded and rusted I see a little kid who won't sit still. half the pictures show me bent sideways, eyes and ears at 90 degrees. I forgot about that. "Sideways Face doesn't have a crooked face. He has a sideways face" (say that in a squeeky voice)
I''l stop. I feel like I'm writing a note so that when they find me curled up on the floor mumbling about rainman, clutching a map in one hand and and a yoyo in the other, they'll know why. I'm leaving it here so that the folks who read it will understand it. (The last few sentences were not literal)
oh. and hello. pleased to met you.
I'm sorry we've had to meet each other under such circumstances. I'm normally quite cheery. I'll be better soon.

Welcome to WP. Believe me, if you were normal, you wouldn't care about us.

Welkome to WP

Mick

There's no need for you to apologize! You feel as if you've been dealt a blow, and this is a life-changing event for you. I'm a parent of an Aspie, and I'm reeling so strongly from an AS-related problem that I, too, feel as if my world is falling apart -- and I'm not even the person with AS! (I've just joined the forum, and have posted my first post in this same section.) I really admire you for not running from this (possible) revelation, but facing it and seeking out people who will be able to help you and answer your questions. I'm sure you'll get that help, and I wish you the best!
Kami

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome, Sneerleader. Your post ... too familiar.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, Sneerleader.

Your username is EPIC. It make me laugh.

Well, I would suggest that you go see a mental health professional regarding this so you can eventually see someone who can diagnose you. I'm not sure if this idea is going to help you or not, but I was never hurt or surprised when I started suspecting that I had Asperger Syndrome, probably because I realized that I was going to be the same person with AS regardless if I got a diagnosis of it or just kept the idea to myself. It might help you to remember that no matter how much you feel distressed about the possibility that you have AS, you have always been that way. Again, I have no idea if this will help you, but it helped me. If you know you have AS, things will probably better than they otherwise would because you will know about your issues and how to correct them. For example, before I was diagnosed, I had trouble communicating with people, but now I can get people to stop accidentally annoying me by realizing it wasn't their fault and politely but directly requesting that they stop.

Great description by the way. Sorry it is a sad subject though. It might help if you take on the nature of a puppy who seem to forget everything and think it's a brand new day every 15 seconds or so. But you only have to do it once. I think in your case, this knowledge can make things change for the better, even if slowly. And don't wear the glasses of shock too long. We are not warped creatures like the poor wretches on the Island of Dr Moreau you know.

Welcome - your post made me laugh! Not at you, but with you!

Especially this - "It was like having a library at home." OMG, can I relate!!

Hi and welcome