Introduction to me

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So, this is my first post here; and also possibly my last since I never seem to be able to keep myself coming back to this sort of thing. I hope however that there'll be enough interesting responses to this post to bring me back here at some point.

By way of introduction, I would like to tell you all a little about myself. I say "a little", but what follows is rather a wall of text I'm afraid. This is however nevertheless still only "a little", as no person can be summed up with even moderate accuracy in less than several large books; so by comparison this is brief. I apologise in advance for the chaotic nature of the text. It's not well structured, and tends to leap around from one point to another - this is just how my brain works; and I assume that for many of you it's the same, so I spent less time editing than I would for a purely NT audience.
I also advise in advance that some parts of the below may not be suitable for minors to read; depending on the point of view of the non-minor making that decision. Personally however, I have no problem for anyone of any age to read all of what I've written below.


My name is Ben. I was born in New Zealand and have travelled the world. I've lived in five different countries and speak 4 languages reasonably well; plus a smattering of 3 or 4 others.
Loving travel, quite likely, sounds very non-aspie to many of you. Travel is something that scares a lot of aspies, because it represents change; and change is something we generally don't deal with particularly well. I'm no exception - change is a difficult thing for me. But to me, travel isn't change; travel is the norm.

For work, I'm a software developer. I make a strong distinction between "developer" and "programmer". A programmer is someone who puts together the necessary code based on someone else's design or plan. A developer is someone who puts together the necessary code based on their own design or plan. I consider this my "art". I have no talent for music, writing, painting or other such things; but putting elegant code together to create something of functional beauty where there was nothing at all before is a very artistic experience for me.
I've just recently quit smoking. I started as a teenager, and now at thirty-three years old, quit last week.
I've done a LOT of different things in my life. The highlights are:
1) Moving country at age 11 with my family to a small south Pacific nation.
2) Leaving home at age 16; then to another country at 17.
3) Starting my own company (network security and Y2K solutions) at age 17, and being a millionaire by age 20.
4) Travelling the world from age 20 to 22, not working, and living off the money I'd made.
5) Running out of money and being briefly homeless; unable to get a job due to not really understanding how.
6) Finding a stable, but relatively uninteresting job.
7) Moving to Germany 5 years ago (for a better job).
8) Meeting my wife 3 years ago.
9) The birth of our daughter, 1.5 years ago.

The most life changing thing that I've ever done however was not any of these. When I first moved to Australia (item 2 above), I lived with a drug dealer. He introduced me to a large number of substances; the majority of which I truly did not enjoy at all. For me, most drugs are like alcohol - they remove my ability to think clearly; and that's an extremely uncomfortable and disturbing situation for me. However, I say that it's the majority I didn't like. What I did like is LSD.
I use LSD still to this day. Around 2 to 3 times per year; in relatively high doses (e.g. up to 250 micrograms; rarely less than 150 micrograms). I've also taken other hallucinogens/entheogens/psychotropics (Psilocybin, Mescaline, Ibogaine, etc) and enjoyed them in similar ways, but none have given me the experience of LSD.
What I love about LSD is that it gives me new ways of seeing the world. I can experience things differently and see the world anew. It offers perspectives on things I never would have thought of otherwise and lets me examine my own thought processes to better understand myself. I'm 100% certain that I am better at my job for it than I would have been without it. On rare occasions that I've taken it with others; it's even allowed me to have some level of empathy with them - which is a very novel experience for people like us...

As I mentioned with points 8 and 9 above; I'm married and a father. My wife is NT and we have almost nothing in common. She isn't in the slightest bit capable with mathematics, computers, physics or chemistry (my main "logical" interests); her language skills are reasonable, but far from good; she's mildly religious, whereas I am a strict atheist; she has never taken any form of drugs beyond alcohol (which she also doesn't enjoy) and doesn't understand my enjoyment of LSD.
But, somehow, despite all of this, she loves me. And further, she accepts me for who I am; which as an aspie is very important. She knows I sometimes need to be alone and lets me have my time to myself. She knows I get stressed in social situations, and protects me in conversations by answering for me or taking over when she sees I'm having a hard time coping. She looks after my health when I forget to (aside from having Asperger's; my brain also has a rare condition whereby I don't feel hunger - ever. The signals all work, they just don't get processed by the brain after being received. Other types of pain, I feel normally. Thirst is debatable, since I don't know how it's supposed to feel, I can't say for sure if I feel it or not. I definitely do feel "dry" if I don't consume enough liquids though, and I call this "thirst" (even if others feel something beyond that, it seems to be close enough)).
As for whether I love her, that's a difficult thing to say. I'm not sure I know myself what love really is in this context. I like her, despite all she lacks. I enjoy spending time with her. I miss her when she's not around. I enjoy physical intimacy with her. I am extremely thankful for the help she offers to make me more comfortable in life. So, I think I love her; as much as I am capable of that kind of love. Suffice to say, I tell her I love her. However, she still makes me stressed, as any extended human contact does; so I still need my time away from her. I've been told by other aspies in relationships that they also get stressed by human contact with anyone other than their partner. Since I still get stressed by contact with my wife; perhaps I don't truly love her. I just don't know.
My daughter on the other hand, I know with absolutely certainty that I love. She's the world to me (and the reason I quit smoking). It's a different kind of love though. It's nothing like I've ever felt for another being before. I want to keep her safe; protect her; but also let her be free and grow up strong and independent.
Some might think of me as "bad" for saying I'm not sure if I love my wife; but definitely do love my daughter. I don't think it's necessarily bad though - they're different kinds of feelings; and one I am simply more sure of than the other.
I am somewhat concerned my daughter may be like me though. She's too young for a formal diagnosis yet (I myself was misdiagnosed as having antisocial personality disorder throughout my childhood; and only re-diagnosed as Asperger's as an adult). I think this about my daughter because she seems overly fascinated with the function of things rather than any kind of aesthetic (just like me). At an age of 12 months; she'd already figured out most of the simpler buttons on the television's remote control; could unlock a "slide to unlock" phone and call people by selecting their picture from the address book; and pause videos playing on my laptop before trying to get our attention. However now at 18 months, she's still not talking at all (although understands both German and English quite well); shows no interest in other people at all (she acts as though there's no difference between a person and a chair other than that the person moves) with the exception of myself, my wife, and my wife's parents; has extreme difficulties with sleep (every night is a battle to get her to sleep; and she'll wake at least 3 or 4 times every night - that is normal with a newborn, but after 1.5 years, it's becoming a concern); and continues to show no interest in aesthetics (in my understanding, an NT little girl should be "appreciating pretty things" by now; but all she cares about it "what does it do?" not "how does it look?").
Regardless, if she does have Asperger's, at least I can say I'm in a position to be able to help her more than I was helped. I have never considered my Asperger's to be a problem or something that needs to be "fixed". I see it as just the way that I am; and I embrace it for the advantages that it brings while fully understanding the disadvantages that come along with it. If my daughter is the same, I hope to teach her to view it the same way. The only part that really concerns me is whether my wife will be able to cope; having both me and an aspie daughter to deal with. If however it turns out she's NT and my assumptions about her behaviour so far are wrong, I hope she'll be tolerant and understanding of people like her Dad.

I'd really appreciate comments, thoughts, opinions and so forth on any of the myriad of themes I've touched on in the above.

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