Hello! This will most likely be a novel!

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I am not 100% sure if I have Asperger's, and I definitely have never been diagnosed with it. In fact, I never even heard about Asperger's until I googled some of my unique personality traits and realized that I'm not the only one who has them. I have always been very "different" from my peers. I was the smartest kid in my elementary school who never brushed her hair and who never had any friends. (I have actually only had one true friend in my entire life. She was a friend of the family and I eventually felt comfortable around her and got to experience a sense of normalcy in that aspect. We remained close until about 3 years ago when she married a guy she only knew for 6 months and moved with him to another state. I still have not gotten over this loss. I actually have a boyfriend now, which was a very long and painfully difficult process as he is very similar to me in some aspects, but I think that is the only way it works. That is a story to save for another time though.) In middle school, I was made fun of incessantly until I could no longer bear it. I intentionally began to make bad grades and obsessively focused on what my peers were wearing, doing, saying, and what their interests were. I would even write down little lists and I would memorize them and practice them constantly so it seemed genuine. I truly didn't care about any of it. What I really wanted to do was make lists about the different species of butterflies and flower types and shades of green. But none of that would help me belong.

This behavior continued until a couple of years after I graduated from high school. I finally came to the realization that I didn't want to fake my way through life anymore. Not that it was really working, anyway. No matter how badly I had been faking it, I still couldn't control the inevitable meltdowns that would ensue when I was overwhelmed with sensory information. I haven't had my hair cut professionally since I was 16 years old. Every time I would go, all of the sounds, the people, the smells, and the horrible sensations would overload my senses to the extreme. About halfway through, I could feel the lump in my throat forming. I would begin chanting "please don't cry, please don't cry, please don't cry..." in my head over and over, but it was never of any use. The tears would start to trickle down my cheeks and then would break out into sobs. Embarrassed doesn't even begin to describe the way I felt. Since then, I have been cutting and coloring my hair myself.

I did make the mistake a few months ago to go with my grandma and cousin to get pedicures. I had never had one before, and they really wanted me to come with them, so I reluctantly obliged. Bad idea. It was pure torture. The water burned my skin. The "sugar scrub" the woman rubbed on my legs felt like pure sandpaper; It literally felt as if she was scraping my skin off. I looked over at my grandma and cousin, who were no doubt having a wonderful, relaxing time, and felt that lump beginning to form again. It took every ounce of energy and willpower I had not to cry. Every muscle in my body was tense, my legs were on fire, and my brain was screaming at me to stop all of this nonsense and run far away, but somehow I managed to survive the incident with my dignity intact. Afterwards, I thanked my grandma, hugged her and my cousin goodbye, and got in my car and began to drive as the tears began falling.

Speaking of driving, I didn't get my license until I was almost 21. I would immediately shut down when trying to drive, completely overloaded and overwhelmed. I was completely content to live a life without ever learning to drive or owning a car, but my mother MADE me do it. She bought me a car as a total surprise one day. My family came over and they all wanted to take pictures of me with the car, and as I tried to smile, I began to sob uncontrollably. Even though that was yet another embarrassing moment I endured, I am very thankful to my mom for doing what she did. I have been driving for almost 4 years and I actually enjoy it now!

Another thing that I enjoy is being in the company of animals. I have worked for and been fired from both the SPCA and the Humane Society in my area. I was fired from both places because I had a hard time talking to and fitting in with my coworkers. Unfortunately, people tend to think I'm pretty, so they really expect a lot out of me as far as being social goes. Needless to say, I do not even get close to meeting their expectations. Both places told me that I just wasn't a "good fit." Never mind the fact that I was excellent with all of the animals, that I did anything and everything to ensure that I was giving them the best care possible, and that every animal absolutely loved me. I was considered weird because I would talk to all of the animals, but not really to any people. I was never mean or rude, or at least it was never my intention. I try to be as pleasant as I can, I try to smile, and I try to nod and appear as friendly as possible. I just never had much to say about anything other than the animals. I was also considered weird because my love for animals extends beyond the cute and cuddly. I would not (and still don't) allow anyone to kill bugs in my presence. I have mastered the art of removing any insect from a room, beetles, spiders, wasps, flies... I could not kill a single one. I also cried every time I heard about animals getting hurt, or when I saw a hurt animal. At the SPCA, I was dubbed a "bunny hugger." It was presented to me in this sentence... "oh great, you're a bunny hugger." Apparently it is a derogatory statement, but I actually quite like it. Hence my username

Fast forward to today: I am 24 years old, although everyone I meet is absolutely astonished when they find that out. Everyone assumes that I am around 18 or so because I have a very youthful appearance. I guess it doesn't help that I love to wear silly hats all of the time, such as hats with animal ears or hats that are very colorful. I am a Biology major and I have dreams to become a wildlife biologist. I am also very interested in microbiology, and I am very skilled and very comfortable in a lab because I love the structure and I am very good at following directions. I am at the top of my class, and one of my instructors has really taken me under her wing. She thinks I am one of the few who will actually "make it" as a scientist, and she sees my passion and my potential. She procured a workstudy position for me as a lab assistant, and encouraged me to join the club of medical and natural sciences at my college. I am trying my best to do well, but I am beginning to feel very overwhelmed. The woman who oversees my work as a lab assistant is a very social person. I try my best to keep up with her and to provide appropriate answers and replies at the right moments, but I can tell she is beginning to catch on to me. Not only that, but it is very exhausting! My first club meeting went well until it was time for us to introduce ourselves to each other. Of course, I went last. Everyone else talked about their majors, their interests, their dreams, their goals. When it was my turn, all I managed to get out was, "I am a biology major." Then I froze. Thankfully I didn't cry. I did manage to spit out a few more slightly coherent sentences. Somehow I was still elected club secretary because I was the only one who had brought a composition book and who had been taking notes the entire time.

My question to you all is, how do you survive and thrive in society? I have a lot of great aspirations that I would definitely like to achieve some day, but I just don't connect with people in person! I am great at expressing myself through writing, and I am excellent at carrying on conversations through email, but I tend to freeze up in person. Sometimes I am actually rendered completely mute. Other times I am able to carry on small conversations, but they are incredibly taxing. Unless they are about animals or science, upon which I can speak about for ages.

Okay, I've definitely left a lot out, but I am forcing myself to end this now. If you have stuck with me this far, then you are truly amazing and thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to being a part of this community, and I seriously can't wait to "meet" all of you!

Hi & welcome,
Sorry that you have to go thru the social asteroid belt. Whatever is causing it, it is not really your fault. On your work, one axiom of succeeding in to concentrate on your strengths , not your weaknesses. There's also saying that to be successful you should try to be literally the very best at some aspect of your profession. I know you can't ignor the social aspect, but you can keep your eye on the true ball which is your knowledge and profession goals. At some point this fact will be made clear to the right person or people, out on the border regions (research, experimental or critical) of your field where skill and expertise is more important then social skills. These regions exsist.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I LOVE your bunnyhugger name, to me, that is a huge compliment, to be kind to creatures that have no voice or power to protect themselves.

I love to wear funny hats as well, it makes people smile, especially me. I've been offered children's menus at restaurants and things too, so I understand how it feels to look younger than your age.

The other person suggesting you focus on your is correct. You obviously have many talents and aspirations, the problem is when we compare ourselves with others. This can be a downer, and it really isn't worth so much of our thoughts. So I try to be aware of my self judgements that compare me to other people. Sometimes my conclusion is that I don't even really want what other people have/ or what they're doing. I can be happy with what I do, and what I have (even if it is weird or less than, do I really care about these external things that seem so important to everyone? Like you, animals are very important to me, my family, making things, art, music, my priorities are my own, not someone elses, it took me a long time to get to this point).

Hi and welcome

shades of green is a very interesting topic. I have often thought about the fact that green is the most difficult colour to get "right" on a computer screen or a picture. Painters can do a better job of getting the right shade. I think it has something to do with the complex nature of green (chlorophyll), but it is jus my thoughts

In my experience (as a biologist) the professionals in that profession are very open minded people. Most of them do not care about somebody having asperger (there will probably be a bunch of them at every lab). Without knowing the exact situation I would just tell it, but then again, I don´t really care anymore

Hi and welcome! I really wish I hade something better to say because you seem like a pretty smart and interesting person. Forums make me a little nervous. Feel free to whrite me a pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

How do I survive? I'm like the robot waiter, nobody realise I'm a person with my own thoughts, my only purpose for interaction is to serve those at the nt table

Welkome to WP

Mick

I'm sorry I have been absent, I have been very busy with my studies and my workstudy position! Thank you all for your kind and welcoming words!

Toy Soldier: Thank you so much for the encouraging advice! I am definitely making it a goal to focus on my strengths. I do have many wonderful skills and abilities that would be very beneficial in a career as a scientist. One of my professors really has my back and I am so thankful for her. I will continue to work hard and put my all into my studies and hopefully that will speak for itself... and for me.

glasstoria: I really enjoyed learning about our similarities! Animals are a huge interest and passion of mine. I forgot to mention in my original post, but I have been given the amazing opportunity, in the form of an undergraduate research grant, to observe and film whitetail deer in my home state. I am so excited about this! In October and November I will get to travel to bat caves in my state with a team of seasoned wildlife biologists and a geneticist, and we will sit outside of them with thermal imaging equipment and night vision goggles and film and observe them as they leave their caves. The aim is to take inventory of them since there are two endangered species in my home state. I am very excited about this!

helles: Green is definitely a very complex color, and it makes sense that this rich complexity would create a bit of difficulty as far as picking the right shade goes. To me, all shades of green are so lovely. It is awesome that you are a biologist! It is a very diverse field... what area is your focus in? It is all so very interesting to me, from astronomy all the way down to microbiology. My mind is blown every day that I learn more about science. I hope to never lose my sense of wonder about the world and the universe.

Trekie: Thank you for the compliment! There is nothing better than kindness

AnonymousAnonymous: Thank you!

Stalk: I know what you mean about the "robot" thing. I often feel that way, as I kind of just go through the motions in social situations, just hoping to perform well enough to survive another conversation. I do better when I have a "role" to play, although I don't think I could ever be a waitress. You are very brave!

CockneyRebel: Thanks! I like the little green drummer guy

how do you survive and thrive in society?

I act and I dance! Acting puts me in a place where everyone is a lil´ quirky and fun to be with
Dancing gets me to express what I really want to say with my words with my body... what I lack in conversation skills I make up with focusing on saying as little as possible! I like to act based on what I want, need and think is standard to my own "honor code" (motivate, be a role model, help others, take care of yourself... etc. list goes on).

What I really admire about you bunnyhugger is that you wrote a wall of information for all of us to cherish and appreciate! You know yourself so well, it´s a pleasure to read an open book such as yourself. Welcome, welcome, welcome!

I was lucky in that I became friends with a couple who were sufficiently introverted to understand me but sufficiently social that I could learn from watching how they behaved. While I still can't bring myself to eat at restaurants alone unless absolutely necessary (when I'm traveling, for example) by following my friend's examples, I have learned how to navigate the social complexities of ordering dinner without looking like a complete idiot.

I have been pushed into attending their parties and gained enough experience that I was able to invite people to my house recently (and I didn't throw up even once)

In work, I took an easy route and followed a friend from job to job. I'm in a scary situation now where I have to seek work without having someone blaze the trail for me, but I'm old enough and experienced enough that, while it is scary, I feel it is something I can do.

If you can find a friend or a set of friends who can help guide you through some useful social skills, you may find you can learn to navigate the world a little easier. I wouldn't say I've ever felt completely comfortable with the social aspects of life, but I've learned that I can deal with them and survive. (Although I'm not sure I would hold up as well as you did with the pedicure. It sounds really unpleasant.)

I think people would view me as over-sensitive about animals too or actually any living things (even plants sometimes! ).

Seeing a abused or injured animal really tears me up if my mind goes there, even a bug sometimes. I think part is that you view all these things on a more equal basis to people and project people feelings upon them, and then pick it up yourself in an empathethic way. A kind of emotional feedback loop. Did that make sense ?

The thing is most all creatures do have feelings both mental and physical to greater and lesser extent, so some of it is valid and can not simply be dismissed as just in your mind.

And I am glad for those who care about animals but who can be quite unemotional. They can do things to help, that I can not.

But personnally, I am convinced some animals (ie, Cats, Dogs, Birds, etc) have emotional needs and their happiness and well being depends on being able to pick up on that and try to satisfy those needs. Treating these animals, particularly domesicated ones as mindless creatures to be caged or used does more wrong then many would admit or want to.

Welcome to WP BunnyHugger! And I like that nickname too. You have found a good place for learning and support.
I also have a soft spot for animals, and have worked with them.
Once upon a time I too wanted to go into Biology or Botany and the college professor in charge of the department (and I was stuck at that college for awhile) put me straight off. So if you love it, and you are being encouraged, you would do well to pursue a career in it that doesn't focus on people.

When I first started posting here regularly, somebody recommended a book to me called "The Introvert Advantage" and you might be interested in checking that out? I got distracted before I could finish it (and I'll get back to it soon) but it does a good job of explaining what the benefits are of not being so people oriented. For example, if you are too busy focused on your work to socialize that's not necessarily a bad thing, is it? That is how advances in science are made and how society as a whole moves forward.

Despite some claustraphobia I share your liking for caves and bats, and you will eventually make friends who love to do what you do...the cave rescue folks, the electricans who wire tour caves, the biologists who study them, the geologists who map them. They probably won't be into manicures either. In whatever your interests really are, you will always come across people who share them.
They may be good friends, but you should always be your own best friend.