Hi I'm Nanuk.. I am new to these boards. I'm interested in Aspergers but I am not completely sure if I actually have it or not... even if not, I know I can definately relate to those who do...
So, the reason I started to read about asperger's is because I knew of it and began to suspect a woman I was working with had it... she was just different. She couldn't understand verbal cues, had to write everything down, often took extra initiative and couldn't seem to realize when it wasn't wanted... so many things. But meanwhile, as I was reading I began to see that some of it actually sounded a lot like me too.
I don't think I have a problem with verbal cues though... and i definately don't have a learning disability...i think i'm a fast learner... and don't have problems focusing (unless it's... chemistry or math or something boring!)
When I was a child, I was very shy. I still am now... only I'm actually not. The reason I don't speak when I'm in a group of people, isn't because I'm shy.. I just can't seem to think of anything to say, I can't seem to get into the conversation.. maybe can't focus. I can speak fine with one on one conversations though. People say this, that I seem shy but they realize i'm not. I'm just quiet.. like in school, when we had to do speeches in front of the class... even though I was considered to be "so shy" i didn't get as nervous as some of the "non shy" people when doing those... because i actually wasnt shy!! everyone just thought i was...
I used to rock back and fourth as a young child too!! either on my side while laying down or i used to be on my hands and knees and and rock forward and backward...for some reason.. i still rock back and fourth on my side to get to sleep.
I would never make eye contact if it wasn't that I heard it's a bad thing to not make eye contact. So now I force myself to do it, remind myself to do it. it's learned.. or maybe thats normal.
Other things are that my friends tell me I just drift off into my own world sometimes... I just stop talking and shut down...
and I speak in a monotone voice. People have made fun of me saying if there was a tornado I would just look out the window and say in my monotone voice "oh no, a tornado, we are going to die"
Another thing is people always tell me I speak like I have an accent or just that I am speaking too properly, pronouncing every word correctly... and I don't use slang ever! i really don't know why. for me slang is unnatural, even swearing is unnatural...
I have always been eccentric and tended to be "weird"... sometimes the things I liked to do were seen as silly or immature, but to me they were just fun.. and I do have friends who appreciate that side of me. I did used to see myself as being different as a child... but later told myself that everyone must feel that way.
As I've gotten older I don't have social anxiety...maybe a little?. sometimes i don't feel confident even though i know i am good at the things i do (creatively)... and there are others who arent as good as me and are way more confident (i feel like that is totally unrelated though). i do have trouble expressing myself though...a lot of trouble with that... but i don't exactly feel anxious about it. I am extremely, extremely calm. I never get angry!! I never scream or anything. I feel like maybe I am TOO calm... maybe i can't express my emotions. I am more talkative now than i used to be, thats for sure.. but maybe it's learned... maybe a lot of what I do is learned. I used to make videos with my cousin and when I watched myself back I hated the way I moved my head and stuff when I talked so I would change my behaviour to look better... and maybe a lot of the way i act is a "performance".
i don't know... i am weird i guess i know that. and sometimes i can't tell if people are making fun of me or not. sometimes i am worried what if there is a lot going on in social situations that i don't realize it is the way it is.... but thinking like that would give a person anxiety.
20 Oct 2012, 2:08 pm
