hate introductions

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Even online I'm not very good at introducing myself, but here I am. My name's Kane, and I have Autism ("Hi Kane"). If only there were 12 steps to becoming normal. Oh we'll, ya get what you pay for right?

I live just outside Atlanta, GA. But I'm not really a southern boy. I grew up overseas and went to an Australian boarding school because of my dad's job. We didn't know about Autism until we moved back to the US, and by then I was teenager, so I missed out on a lot of the normal therapies most Autistic kids get these days. So in a lot of ways I have to be my own parent, which I really suck at. And I'm going to a psychologist to learn more about myself and try to fix the major issues.

Mostly I do feel like I'm on the wrong planet though. NTs spend a lot of time talking and making noise but never really say anything they mean or do anything very meaningful. Talking and socializing is very tough for me. I hate it actually. It causes a lot of anxiety and makes me physically tired very quick.

There are about 3 or 4 people in my life that do communicate with me pretty well and I like being around them. One is my housemate. He's a family friend and like a second dad. He looks after me. Then there's a lady name Lori(?) that's at the town theatre we volunteer a lot at. She's super nice and has never felt threatening or intolerant. I still don't really make a lot of eye contact with her, but I do talk to her. Then there's another lady named M. I think her real name is Emma, but M is cool like MI6. She's the bartender at the taqueria near the theatre. We go there for dinner before a concert. She actually has an autistic son, she always knows what I want to eat and drink (always the same thing) and she always remembers my name since the first time I was there. We always eat at the bar so we can talk to her. She's very cool.

I have some other friends too, that I do things with or people I like, but aren't quite as comfortable with. But that's pretty much it for me. I don't have a girlfriend (probably never will) even though I'd like to have a family some day. That'll probably never happen tho. I have to take pills just so my body remembers I'm a male from having super low testosterone. Then I also wear diapers all the time because of sensory issues and not being able to know what my body needs to do or when it's going to do it.

I know there's a whole crowd of people that are into guys that wear diapers, and I have some friends that are like that, but for me, it's pretty medical and sometimes a really frustrating thing for me. I think it holds me back from wanting to be fully independent and it definitely makes me not want to meet new people because they always eventually notice either through my clothes, or when I have an inevitable accident or something. Every body knows eventually.

Even though technically I'm an adult, my brain never really caught onto the idea of growing up. I don't act silly or stupid or anything. The last formal evaluation I had placed me in the 10-14 year old range as far as emotional development even though intellectually I'm well beyond that. But no matter what, I just don't know how to grow up like normal people my age. All the people I went to school with left and went to college, got married, got careers, got kids and a dog. And here I am just the same old me, still liking the same interests and hobbies I've always had and never seeming to be successful at anything I try without a lot of external help. Although I did get a dog He's a golden retriever and certified service dog for Autism. He's my best friend and gets most of my eye contact.

It frustrating because I think my family just thinks I'm lazy or just want to be this way. My mother recently wrote a book about our family living overseas and there's some things in there describing me that are just as if she had some other son I've never met. Made me think she's never really understood me, although I've never doubted that she truly loves me.

Right now I'm stuck in a job that I absolutely hate and isn't a good environment for Autism at all. It keeps me away from home 5-6 days a week and has no structure or routine. I'm desperately trying to find something else that let's be home every night or even better if I could work from home. If I didn't have to pay bills (about $1200 a month), I would quit this instant. I report back to work tomorrow until Wednesday, or Thursday (they don't even bother to tell me). I dread it actually. I don't mean I just don't want to go. I mean I mentally, emotionally, and physically dread it. It causes me so much anxiety, I've recently regressed a little and started packing my old blankey in my luggage so I have something from home with me when I'm away. Maybe that does sound a little adult babyish, I don't think of it that way. I think of it as emotional survival in a very bad place.

As far as signs of my autism, I do still react to circumstances in a wide range. Sometimes I behave pretty well and almost seem normal. Other times, I fall back into tantrum mode and even physically hurt myself. Nothing detrimental, but I punch myself in the head (sometimes see sparkles or stars), punch myself in the chest (soft area like my chest muscles), or punch myself in the thigh. I guess it seems pretty calculated because I never bruise or actually injur myself, although I guess I could actually knock myself out when I hit my head. It's never a manipulative thing because I always well up until I'm alone in my room, or the shower or something where I'll be left alone. And I've never hurt anyone else and don't think I ever would. I'm too kind for that. But I've thrown things and broken things that I held in great value like my laptop, a GPS, CDs. My dog is trained to intervene as long as he doesn't think he'll get hurt. I've never actually hurt him either, but I suppose if he was accidentally in the line of something being thrown or knocked over he could get bonked on the head or something. Normally when I get upset, he will knock into me with his body and nuzzle my hands and arms until I'm distracted and start petting him. I have to tell him I'm ok 100 times before he believes me which in itself acts to calm me down. Gosh he's smart.

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell I guess. I'm usually not so open to people but I'm so over my job and over being miserable that I'm trying to change my environment which I guess will only happen if some people actually know what I'm really like when nobody's watching me.

Truly though I'm a very sweet natured, child-like mind that would love nothing more than to just live at home, build a workshop in the back where I could work on my art and screen printing business, and be at peace with the person I am. Somehow finding my role on this planet, or finding some other place where I feel like I'm normal.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome!, another autistic here

Hearty Welcome. I had the honor to try and help raise an AS young man who is now grown and out on his on. I think I maybe be borderline myself. I know a lot about Aspie kids..lol.

Greetings and welcome to WP!

Hi Kane, welcome to WP.