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Hello everyone. To begin with, I'm not sure I have anything like an Autistic spectrum disorder. Other explanations are possible; I'd just like to understand myself a little better. I find myself here because I can't open up to any real people, not even my parents or closest friends, enough to explain all of this.

I'm 20 years old, a college student studying physics. I'm fairly intelligent, but I have problems paying attention to anything I'm not overly interested in. It's crippling, I can hardly stay conscious enough in class to take notes.

I'm obsessed with my computer and astronomy. I spend almost all of my time on my computer, and I have a mental catalog of all sorts of different kinds of objects present in space. I have a very active imagination and frequently imagine myself travelling through space. On my computer, I have a huge catalog of... well, anime pictures, which I just stare at. Yeah, it sounds weird. It is weird. I've always had imaginary friends, I think of this as an extension of that. I tend to ramble on about topics like my computer games, physics, and astronomy.

Socially speaking, I've been a loner as far back as I can remember. Partially, this was because of physical circumstances, which I will not elaborate on. I'm just... very different. I can't smile. Maybe I used to, but I don't feel any desire to socialize and I can't maintain friendships. I'll meet someone, then never, ever talk to them again or ever have any desire to do so. It's not like I hate people; rather, I have other interests that seem to eat up all my time and therefore I don't seem to have the time or inclination to socialize.

I wasn't thought to have had anything like an Autistic spectrum disorder when I was young, but I have always sought approval, and I may have adapted my behavior to garner approval, since having meltdowns and acting in ways considered "autistic" is highly discouraged. Additionally, because of physical conditions, I received too much attention to begin with, and so I really would have wanted to disappear more than anything, and showing "autistic" characteristics would then have been counterproductive. I was quite fascinated by trains and, at some points, astronomy, though I find it hard to determine where acceptable childhood fixation ends and obsession begins.

I've had instances that might be something like meltdowns, though again I have always tried as hard as possible to be in control. When I was young, assuming my memory isn't lying to me, I did something that could have possibly killed me, but it just got me sent to the principal's office. It only happened once, so I don't think they made a big deal of it. Not too long ago, though, I felt overwhelmed by the stress and I all of a sudden felt like I might not be going anywhere in life. I went completely ballistic, hurting myself and breaking a bone. It's terrible and it makes me truly concerned. I completely and utterly lose control. Something takes over and I cease to be myself. I never hurt anyone else because I never hate anyone else. I know of nothing more deserving of my hatred than myself. I fail myself, hurt myself, and then when I do I fail myself again because once again I've shown I'm not in control of my faculties.

I do have sensory oddities. For example, I seem very sensitive to heat and less sensitive than many to the cold. I also can't stand tags in my clothing. I absolutely detest the texture of meat. When I touch a felt blanket, I almost get sick. I'm highly sensitive to sound and have great difficulty focusing without a calm environment.

If anyone has any ideas about what may be, or may have been, going on with me, I would welcome those ideas.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Well it does sound to me like you are on the spectrum but that really doesn't matter as you have now identified these characteristics in yourself and can now learn to manage them.
As far as connecting with your family members it may help to tell them you think you are on the spectrum. I personally had a difficult relationship with my mother because she didn't understand my aspie characteristics and we ended up fighting about it a lot, but when I told her I thought I has Aspergers and told her a bit about it, she became more understanding and our relationship has improved a great deal as a result. I'm also more able to open up to her now.
I too, have extreme difficulty in focusing in class. I find that taking notes from a video helps me a great deal. With a video you can pause it when your brain begins to wander then push play when you can focus again. Maybe try videotaping your classes and watching them later.
I'm also a bit obsessed with being on my computer and have a few thousand pictures that I like look at often. I think and talk about my interests all the time as well. For me, I was ashamed of these traits before because they made me different but now I realize that being different doesn't mean being wrong or flawed.
I've always been a loner myself, to the point where my parents were very worried about me. I used to only want to spend time on my interests but now that I have a couple really good friends, I do wish to spend time with them more often instead of on my interests. When you find a friend that you can be yourself with you will begin to enjoy some socializing.
As far as how to deal with social situations practice is unfortunately the best advice I can give you. When in a conversation where you are unsure how to react, try to mirror the emotion of the situation or person. i.e. person smiles you smile (to the best of your ability) Also learn so common phrases and when it is appropriate to say them. This will give you something to say on occasion so it will be less awkward then saying nothing.
Meltdowns are frustrating and embarrassing especially if they happen in public. Mine are usually brought on when I'm on a timeframe in a high stress situation. Identify your triggers so you can anticipate them and try to avoid the situations that might bring on a meltdown. Mine usually aren't that bad so I can usually stop a meltdown by, at least mentally, walking away from whatever is causing them. Go do anything else and if you must, only come back when you are completely relaxed.
I understand what you mean by self hatered. I think I always had some level of hatred and resentment toward myself because I was so different. After I discovered that I could have Aspergers, and have learned how to deal with the symptoms, I stopped feeling that way. You are not alone and you are not a freak.
I really struggle with load and chaotic situations especially in class. What has helped me the most is listening to my music, even if just in one ear. It doesn't have to be load just enough to kind of act as white noise. Try this in class and while studying.
Whether you are on the spectrum, not on the spectrum, or have something else entirely, learning to manage these traits and accepting yourself as you are is what is going improve your life

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP!