Hello, my name is Steelback, and I'm an Aspie (pause for "Hi Steelback" response). I'm 36 years old, but it's been only a few weeks since I discovered that I may have AS.
I don't like to go into detail here, but here's some highlights. I recall my mother once telling me that I didn't seem to be able to speak at the same time as all the other babies my age, but when I entered school, I was considered a "gifted" child: I was bumped up to Grade 1 halfway through my first year. My older brother was a year ahead of me in school, and I had a habit of peeking through his textbooks to get a headstart on what I could expect to learn next year. As I grew older, I recall having a problem controlling my anger. I can't recall any specifics, but a friend of mine in Grade 6 once drew a picture of me as a monster when I got mad.
Another problem I had was that I would sometimes say whatever was on my mind, and learn later that what I said was sort of embarrassing. Eventually, I decided to manage my anger and my mouth by keeping silent. That would become a problem for me as I went into high school. There were groups of people I would hang out with, but I could never feel comfortable saying what I wanted to say, or telling them how I felt about them, because I didn't think it was appropriate. I could never ask anyone in my class if I could work on group assignments with them. I went to a lot of high school dances and parties where I ended up alone. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want to impose myself into anybody else's "circle", that little clique of friends that everybody has. I'll never be able to think of the Nazareth song "Love Hurts" without cringing inside.
Let's fast forward a few years. It took me a long time after high school to come to the decision to pursue my post-secondary education. University was a constant struggle for me to get good grades, which was a shock to me, since I always used to excel in school. I stressed about my grades, I stressed about using up my student loans, and I stressed about not being able to socialize with people.
I got a job shortly after university, and although I had friends, I almost never went out and did things with them outside of the office. Then, a few months ago, I was bumped out of my position after about seven years, and thrust into a new position where I spend most of my time alone in a cramped little office. I had lost my "circle", and that's what prompted me to finally address the depression from which I had been suffering for twenty years.
It was at my most recent session, my third, a couple of weeks ago, that my counsellor suggested that I may have Asperger's. I'd heard of AS only twice before: a character in a Robert Ludlum (my favourite author) book had it, and a killer in a "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" episode had it. But I didn't seem to have enough in common with those two characters to accept that diagnosis. But after that, I went on the Net, looked it up on Wikipedia, and here on this site, and everything was so consistent with my life experience. I guess that was a lot more detail than I wanted to give, but it's all I've been able to think about since that day.
For the last couple of weeks, I've been completely re-examining my life. I've always thought that I was the way I was because I watched too much TV, but maybe it's actually been the other way around. I can't wait for my next counselling session, so I can be sure.
24 Dec 2006, 5:05 pm
