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Hi. My name's J.R. (my nickname I go by with everyone). I'm 29 years old, and I have autism (which I honestly think it just plain sucks & I honestly hate it most days). I was diagnosed with it at 27 (only a couple years ago). Although my autism isn't as bad as Dustin Hoffman's character in Rainman...it's always made me have almost no self-esteem with myself (depression, no motivation to get a job/take care of myself, etc). I can never get my body to relax (and I have insomnia) no matter what the heck I do. When I lie down to go to bed, my body is still tense and I just can't really make it relax. I don't really exercise or do a whole lot of activity other than sit in front of my PC most of the day (you could say the PC is my "safety place", and my fear keeps me from doing anything productive). I can't move past the fear, nor can I really let go of my past. It's usually in my head, & talking about it doesn't really do anything for me nor does it make me "feel any better" like it normally would with a lot of people. I have a lot of regrets in my life when I look back on it. I don't think I've ever really been "truly happy". Though I think my case of insomnia (not my body being always tense) is more due to me not really being active. Though I am going to try & change that this winter by going out to the basketball courts and just shooting the ball at the hoops for an hour or two. The rain has put that option on hold for now, however. But when it's over, I'm going to try & shoot the ball at least once a day, and more towards the evening instead of morning & afternoon. Over the years, since I haven't really had any self-esteem & such, I don't shower very often & brush my teeth maybe once a month (though I am trying to do the latter more often, I at least brushed my teeth in the morning before going to classes while in HS), my teeth are probably bad by now (though I haven't lost any teeth yet, thanking the 9 levels of hell for that). After HS though, I just stopped doing it, & maybe did it once a month for the last 8-9 years. They don't hurt, yet. I also tend to grind my teeth sometimes, though I try not to. It's usually more towards when I go to bed. I can't fall asleep on my back (and I don't think I ever really could, but since sleeping is so routine, I don't know anymore), so I usually either fall asleep on my side or on my stomach. My memory has usually been crap & I honestly don't remember most of my life since most of it was so blasted routine after HS (mostly just sitting in front of my PC playing games). Lately though my insomnia's been a lot worse than it usually has been (it used to take me about an hour to fall asleep). My melatonin production in my brain is absolute crap, more than likely because I sit on my ass almost all day & on my PC until passed nighttime.

I guess I'll start with my past. I was born in May, 1983 in Goleta Valley Hospital. My father bought this house in 1972 (in a town called "Isla Vista"), and it's a college town. Goleta is 3 miles away across on the other side of the freeway. Santa Barbara is roughly 10 miles South of these two towns. We moved up to "Lake County" in Northern California, because my father thought there'd be less drugs up there (my mother & father were doing coke at this time). Problem with Lake County is there's tons of drug addicts and under middle-class people (mainly unhealthy people). When I grew up, I grew up with my father who was an alcoholic for close to 18 years (he quit roughly 5-6 years ago), and my mother who has bi-polar (who I don't think she ever took meds for, even though she was seeing a psychiatrist in my middle teens). She was abrasive, and either gone %50 of the time, or had almost no inclination to really take care of her 2 children who lived with her (myself & my younger brother). Whenever any of us tried to talk to her, her response was usually "I don't want to talk" mainly because she was sitting in front of the PC when I was older (from about 9-14). Her attitude was also "it's my way or the highway" with a lot of things, so she was pretty much not very compromising. Since she was like this, she terrified me as a child, and I got into trouble numerous times (and our punishment was usually a spanking with the belt & a month or more of being "grounded"). My mother never held a job, as far as I know growing up. When I turned 13 or 14, she started to get into the whole "S&M" scene, and ever since then, I always thought it was disgusting and she should have belonged in a mental institution for it (and I honestly still think she should've been in one). I also never really recognized her being my mother, since she basically scared me as a child, and she was hardly the loving/nurturing type while a child, and I never forgave her for it (and I'm not going to either, so don't even try with that route). I needed a loving mother, I never had one, so forgiveness isn't going to happen when she never deserved it. My brother got really lucky because my mother sent him to go live with his own father when he was 10 years old (though I honestly think he was damaged too, in some way those first 10 years).

When I was 14 1/2, my parents & I went through court for child custody. The woman who talked to me asked a lot of questions, & I think one of them was who I wanted to live with (I of course said "dad", being the one who didn't scare me as a child), but of course, the courthouse didn't agree with me and chose my stupid mother, I think simply because my father was a drinker. So I had to live with her & her new boyfriend for 3 years until I was 17 (she was at this point also on welfare for 3 years). At 17, she asked me if I wanted to live with my father, and I said "hell yes!". Though not in so many words. I haven't spoken to my mother since I was roughly 22 or 23 (same with my older sister), and in all honesty, it's going to stay that way. According to my sister, she supposedly "changed", but I thought she was full of s**t since my father wished her a happy birthday this year (they hardly ever talked due to their past), her response? A long nasty letter. Changed? My ass she did. She obviously never received help for her problems after I was a teen, otherwise she would have changed by now. I didn't get any help, and I think I changed a hell uva lot more than she ever would. She lives in Iowa with my older sister and younger brother (who I'm still on good terms with, the brother, I mean). My mother had 4 different children with 4 different men. My younger brother's father (Ted) lives in Mendocino County in Northern California (as far as I know, Ted's brother pays for his property's taxes and Ted pays for his own bills; electricity, food, etc). I have an older brother I've never met (he was put up for adoption upon birth), and was born between my sister and I (at least I think that's the way it is, he could be the first, and my sister second). My sister turned out to be almost the same as my mother, I found out when I was 21, so after that I also found her to be a disgusting person in general. Though I don't think she ever turned to S&M, she has the same personality as my mother does, which is what I found out first hand when I was 21 & visiting her & her then boyfriend in Bakersfield. Turns out they later got divorced only within the past year or two (probably not even at their 10 year mark). I never really found out why and honestly don't really care why. She probably didn't want to change & he probably finally got tired of it, more than likely is what I honestly think. They moved to Iowa about 5 or 6 years ago (I don't remember when my mother did), and I honestly have no idea why the hell they'd live in a place where it's nothing but flatness (and sounds like an utterly boring place like my old town in Northern California). I honestly felt bad for the kids living in such a boring sounding state.

My father, I've never really treated him that well, due to his alcoholism, and I picked up my mothers traits (mainly the anger & depression) as a child, and it took me close to 10 years to really bring it down (on my own, without professional help, I might add & only the anger. Still have the depression). Due to my father being almost dirt poor (and honestly, that's what always made me dislike him, other than being an alcoholic) I never really received help, and I never really gave much thought into getting medi-cal since I don't work (remember, fear), and I was in utter denial about my problems until only recently within the last couple years. Plus I don't really give the future "much thought" or "consideration" (more like the consequences, too). My mother abused him mentally (he says she abused him physically, but I never saw her do it, so she probably did it with us not around, so I can't honestly say she did, but with the way she was, I'd say she more than likely did), so he turned into an alcoholic, and pretty much lost his figurative balls to really do anything about her. And in all honesty, I wish he tossed her onto the street a long time ago when I was a child. Thankfully my father was a "talker" instead of a physical drunk. Now-a-days, it's more of a "I'm indifferent to him". There were a few times I physically abused him (and I honestly regret that these days). The thing that bugged me the most however, was how poor he's always been. And I've always hated being poor. As far as I know (from his drunken talks about her), his own mother never told her kids "I love you" or even hugged her own children. She was a cold-ish mother, but she was at least providing for her children, unlike mine). His father was a photographer in the 30's & 40's, and hardly made any money. His father became sick with polio in his 30's or 40's, and later died. My father says he only had the use of his left arm (or right, I don't remember which), and basically just "gave up living" & died bedridden. My father also shared 1 bedroom with 3 other brothers while growing up. His 3 brothers seemed to be more successful in having money, unlike my father. Though I can't say for sure with his youngest brother, because his wife was a nurse at a hospital, I think that helped him out a bit. It also didn't help that he'd always talk about the same BS over & over again, trying to always give me lectures I honestly never really wanted to hear. I heard the same stories about 30 times (probably more), and I think that's what also bugged the crap out of me. He tried getting my "help" in some way by constantly babbling about the same things, but in all honesty, I never wanted to hear it or deal with his drinking problem (and I never knew how to either). So I tried to ignore him, but it always just seemed to piss me off because he'd always talk about either my mother (which I honestly didn't even want to entertain thoughts of, but when you got a guy talking your ear off about her constantly, it's not very easy to just stop thinking about it). Even to this day, I still have a fear of women (even though I have 2 friends that are female I get along with). The fear is only when I don't know them & I won't approach them or say hello unless they either say hello to me first, or approach me first. Though I can talk to them online just fine (simply because its online and PC's are my "safezone", & I'm not face to face with them). I'm pretty different talking to people online than I am face to face (simply because I don't have the fear of people online). Though recently I haven't really talked to anyone online on websites or messengers in a few years, simply because my old e-mail was hacked & I couldn't get it back, so I lost contact with all of my old contacts on my old MSN messenger & on AIM, even though I have an account on AIM, almost all of my old AIM contacts stopped coming online after a certain amount of years. The only place I talk to people these days is other gamers in the games, and not really outside of them.

About 3 or 4 years ago, I was smoking a ton of pot for 2 months with a friend of mine, and then one night I suddenly started having this stupid panic attack (and I honestly was NOT thinking bad thoughts, it just "boom", hit my ass out of the blue) I was trying to go to sleep, and suddenly I felt like I was going to drown when I'd get close to passing out. I had no idea what the hell a panic attack was, and I've NEVER had anxiety or panic attacks before this, and I have a fear of asking people for help, so for the next 2 days I had absolutely ZERO sleep, & I started having problems eating, since I did not eat at all (or very little) for those 2 days. After the 2nd day, or 3rd, or whatever, I don't even remember anymore, I was told I should go to the hospital (at this point my brain felt like it was turning into a fried circuit board & my blood vessels felt like they were on fire the whole time). So I went to the hospital. It took me roughly 3 months to recover from that BS & I quit smoking weed for a whole year.

However, I wasn't thinking right, & I started smoking too much again this year, so in the middle of November I started having really bad sleeping issues. The first night I didn't eat the whole night while trying to go to sleep (insomnia), I got anxiety the next day because of it. After that, I started getting really depressed due to getting sleep deprivation and ate very little for 2 weeks (I probably lost 5 or 10 pounds). Near the beginning of December I tried going to the local clinic for help, but the Ambien doesn't really do much for me (it will most often put me to sleep, I however will generally wake up in the middle of the night around 12-1am, regardless of when I go to sleep). I think this is more due to my stupid insomnia & being hardly active. I am generally up all day & just unable to fall asleep at night. I don't think my brain/body has become addicted to the Ambien, but I'm not entirely sure, due to (I think) my autism. I still get tired at night even without the Ambien (but nowadays its more towards the really early morning hours). Normally, in the past, I fell asleep roughly after an hour or just lying there & would sleep like a brick the whole night (roughly 7-8 hours was my norm), but lately I've been getting roughly 2-4 hours of sleep every night. Having going through this BS a second time due to smoking too much pot, I just know I won't be smoking anymore (as in ever again). And it honestly makes me wish I didn't start smoking this year. It's just not worth it. Most people have no problems smoking it, but I was having problems because I smoked it TOO much (I was smoking it roughly every 2 hours and taking 3-4 hits when I really should have been hitting it every few hours and only 1-2 hits, or even less often and only 1 hit). Like I said...before 3 or 4 years ago, I have never even known what anxiety/panic attacks felt like until I was smoking too much 4 years ago, and I honestly wish I never had them).

The first month I had them 4 years ago, I was beginning to have huge amounts of thoughts of suicide; I'd have tons of ideas on how, but I never had the guts to go through with it. The anxiety would last for hours upon hours (even to the point of 12-14 hours). Nothing I did would get rid of them & honestly did not know what to do. I think at this point I had already gone to the hospital a few times. One night, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife, and I seriously considered it, but the thought scared me bad enough that I put it back, went into my father's room, stole his cell phone (this is roughly about midnight I think, or a little earlier & roughly a month or less into having the anxiety) while he was asleep, & walked down the street to call 911 & told them I was having suicidal thoughts & was almost ready to kill myself. But since I have no medical insurance (rolls my eyes, what a GREAT country the U.S. is!), the hospital didn't really do much for me other than just give me anti-anxiety meds for the few hours I was there, and then let me go. I was still having problems after that. That first year I went to the hospital 5 times just for the anxiety issues I was having. C.A.R.E.S in my area wouldn't do anything for me simply because they didn't consider my case "bad enough" (which I thought was a bunch of bull), and the soonest anyone would've been able to help me at all was 2 or 3 months away. So I told the place a big "f**k you" in my mind & left since they weren't even willing to help me, simply because I smoked too much pot & thought I was some type of drug addict or something. Yeah...great health services in this country, huh? Makes me wish my dad lived in Canada or the UK instead of this BS country. (sorry, I'm also very cynical, & you can see why).

Edit: I guess I should also add that my house has gone through a lot of changes these past almost 2 years now (and my father), mostly thanks to my friend Annette.

The one thing I hate about this house though, is the stupid heating system. There's no "vented heating", it's a furnace in the hallway and it's just plain horrible. If you want your room heated up, you'd have to open up your door to let the heat in (but I'm stubborn and think my privacy is a heck uva lot more important). Since my dad's such a cheap monkey, he's always bought the cheapest crap he could get (though I think that's due to more being poor & grew up in the depression). I mostly lived off of cheap tv dinners & other crap food for about 8-9 years (until about 2 years ago). Which is why I've also never really gotten along with my father, either, for being cheap & tries to "save money" by buying the cheapest crap he can (he also seems to think everything's made with the same pisspoor quality he buys everything at, when it's simply not that way). Though he's been more...understanding towards me, it doesn't really help me feel any better towards him, though. Just too much past history & I'm not really able to move past things. And I'm not really into talking to him. Unwilling to, I guess, with all the bad history. Plus I don't really like his personality, either.

The only reason I never moved out of my dad's house is because I just don't have any ambition or motivation to really do much. School bores me to death and I honestly never really thought it worth the effort to spend 4 years of my life in & accumulate tons of debt over stupid college tuition. Sorry, but I'm not spending 20k a year for school and paying it off 30 years. I just don't find it worth it. And even if I did get the education, it doesn't mean I'd even get the career I'd want, then it'd just be an utter waste of time & money, and I'd owe a college tons of cash that I probably wouldn't be able to pay off.

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