NT partner needs help

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Hi all.
Never done anything like this before so bare with me please.
I'm male mid forties and NT (i think) and have been married to my wife for 26 years. We have had good times and and we have had some very bad times over the years. Four children two cats a dog and 13 fostered children later i think that the honest summary is "it's been difficult"!

Last year we were looking after a child that seemed to have some 'issues' we had never seen previously, online research quickly pointed us in the direction of an ASD. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately it also flagged up major signs with respect to my wife. The more we researched the more it was obvious that their have been (and continue to be )significant ASD issues throughout her life.
A private diagnosis come back as negative though it was felt that the interview done was inappropriate and incomplete and unfortunately there was also a lot of early childhood information missing.

We are basically working on a self diagnosis basis now and seeking all the information and help we can to understand how we can make things easier. Just hearing that other people think and feel the same as she does has been a massive relief to my wife.

Unfortunately following a forum thread or concentrated reading for more than ten minutes is her idea of hell. Consequently I'm hoping to be able to show or tell her of relavent stuff on here as we'll as get some help directly for myself. I hope I can maybe help others in my position also.

I've not seen many threads for or by NT partners but i'm hoping there is help to be had in the forum. I love my wife very much indeed and we both feel we are still together against all the odds so it would be brilliant to find out why it's been so hard and how we can make things easier in the future.
Apologies for the very long first post. And thanks for reading it.

This resonates with me but perhaps not in the way you might expect. I am 44 and only got my diagnosis 3 months ago so, naturally I think, I am taking some time to come to terms with it. My problem is that my family (parents and brother) are having a very tough time believing that the diagnosis is correct, despite my brother being present at the diagnosis and one of the psychiatrists telling me that it (AS) was "oozing out" of me. I think the reason is that my family all have AS traits too and are experiencing rigid thinking. This made me research a bit further into the idea that people can have a significant number of AS qualities but are "sub-clinical". I think this would be the case with each of them (except my mum who is, in my view, fully ASD - the family make allowances for her constantly because "it's her").
The bottom line seems to be that labels are for those that need them and that others, who aren't autistic yet share some traits, can still benefit from the types of therapy suitable for those on the spectrum for those areas that they fine difficult. I would say relax about the diagnosis side of things and concentrate on doing whatever it is that will give you and your wife the peace you must certainly have earned with your fantastic caring work with kids.
My suggestion would be that things like you preparing a diary/calendar for you both to follow so she won't have too many surprises. She may find some benefit in ensuring that she is never made to feel guilty for needing to take time out to recharge her emotional batteries. Perhaps the most important thing you can do for her is to make sure that she knows that you are in her corner and that you welcome picking up her slack when she is worn out - that you are a team where you are both equally important and necessary.