Hello,
I don't know what to call myself. I don't have a diagnosis, nor even enough confidence to self-diagnose; I won't presume to go out on that limb. All I know is that I've always felt different. I believe "out of phase" would be a good way to describe it.
All in all, I just don't connect well with people. I've not had a girlfriend; the whole relationship dance mystifies me. I've also never had a long-term friendship that wasn't reliant exclusively on sharing the same interests in a narrow handful of subjects (and as I've grown older, it's only become worse.)
Though it may appear that I have a very good grasp of language (perhaps too good; I recently realized that when reading, I've been subconsciously correcting the author's grammar and spelling errors!), the one thing that's been most evident is that secrets to interpersonal communication have always eluded me; the whole thing feels draining — mentally, and at times physically as well.
First and foremost, eye contact is out of the question. It feels wrong to me. Uncomfortable. Intrusive. If I focus extremely hard I can maintain it, but it's rather meaningless and comes at the exclusion of being able to speak or listen well — or sometimes at all, and even in conversation with people I know very well, such as my parents. Most of the time I'm likely to be pacing about, or at the very least, turning my head to look at something else. Should conversation turn to them, I'm also prone to drone on about things that interest me, long past the threshold of others' attention. Many times I've gone on and on about one thing or another, only to realize that the other person was simply waiting for a break to get away. If they're rude about it, I'll even get the nodding and "Yeah. Yep. Uh-huh. Sure." I know I do it, but I never realize it at the time until it's happened.
In school, I was always "the smart guy" (being in the gifted program and with my last IQ test being 162, who was I to argue?). Even people who didn't know me personally knew me as the smartest guy around, but at the same time, I was also seen as a bit of a weirdo. A little bit "out there" (or very much so, depending). I suppose I can see why now (kids, right?), but at the time, it went right over my head. I was somewhat self-absorbed, keeping mostly to myself and my own interests — which I still do, since it simply feels most comfortable.
Unfortunately, I've found my motivation and attention span is completely lacking unless I'm engaged in those things. I'm sure many of you know of how easy it is to go on a site like Wikipedia to look up one thing, and you end up following link after link until you're somewhere completely unrelated; sometimes it takes long enough that you forget why you came there in the first place. Unless I'm in my comfort zone, I do that all the time — not with a website, but with the thoughts in my own head. I get lost in there. Some nights I lie awake waiting for it to shut down. I also drum with my hands and tap my feet a lot in those situations (which only became exaggerated when I took up the drums; how many people idly drumming their hands use Swiss Army Triplets?) None of this helps finding and holding down a job, as you can probably tell.
This all came about because I just turned 30 last Monday, and it caused me to stop and take a good look at myself. I haven't been nearly as successful as I've wanted, and I've struggled to come to any conclusions as to why. I took stock of all the things I knew about myself that could have gotten in my way, and it led me here.
I don't know where I fall in all this, but even if I end up not being anything, I get the feeling that being around others with whom I share some of these traits can only help. I'm looking forward to it.
19 Jan 2013, 5:17 pm
