New and confused.

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Hello, I’m new here and not entirely sure that I’m in the right place but I thought that someone here may be able to help with my current situation.

Six years ago, my marriage fell apart. It was all very sudden, very traumatic and I’ve never really known the reason why. At the time, he and I had been experiencing some really horrible situations – sometimes verging on the violent and everything just seemed to deteriorate so fast. Then, one day, after a particularly bad row the evening before, I came home to find that my husband had left. He’d gone, and so had everything else in the house! All the furniture, all the clothes, everything! You name it, it had gone. Very ‘odd’ behaviour by any account!

I couldn’t get him on the mobile and when I called his work, I was told that he had left the company. He just seemed to vanish and I never heard from him again. The eventual divorce was concluded with him using a “care of” address.

As time went on, I eventually built a new life for myself, new house, new job, new friends etc but I never understood what had happened to us and I still missed him terribly. I had lost a friend as well as a husband and I seemed to have no explanation as to why.

Then, six years later, and totally out of the blue, he got in touch – by email.

It turns out that he has been as lost and confused as I have, never understanding why and never being able to forget about it and move on. Until, that is, he found out that he has Asperger's. It seemed to be the answer to the enigma.

He has said that the only reason he has contacted me after all this time was so that I too, could have some sort of explanation for what happened. He has said that he isn’t looking for any ongoing friendship and that he may never even want to meet up again.

… and yet his emails are full of open ended statements about how we cannot change the past but no-one knows what may happen in the future… how he still wakes up at night thinking of what he did to me… how he only ever wanted to make me happy… how we were so good together… how he has never been happy since… if only we had known then what we know now etc etc.

I am finding it all very confusing. Would he REALLY have got in touch after six years just to tell me about his AS? Personally I think that is unlikely – but then again, I only think as a NT. Could he not have just been content with knowing himself that AS was, at least, a contributing factor? Did he have to re-establish contact just to tell me about this? After all, knowing about it now isn’t going to change anything between us…

… unless of course, he wanted me to know so that there could be some sort of informed choice about re-establishing a relationship?

As I said, I am very confused about all this. Six years is a long time apart. I have always cared about him and even after all this time, I would be more than willing to make whatever adjustments were necessary in order to re-establish the relationship but I seem to be getting mixed messages from him.

PLEASE could I have some input and advice from some other AS people? How can I get some clarity on the situation whilst still giving him the space that I know he needs? I really can’t believe that he would have got back in touch after all this time JUST to tell me about his AS… is that REALLY likely?

Please, some other points of view?

Sorry to hear about your divorce. As to getting back in touch after six years ?? I can't fathom leaving my wife so abruptly, and then waiting six years to get back in touch. My Missus would've moved on with her life, and probably told me to take the proverbial hike...
Wish I could give you some insight, but it's such a sad story...

It sounds likely to me, mind you I am female not male, but yeah, I can understand him, he finds out he has aspergers and it explains everything.

Maybe he left you full of shame and selfblame, and now he wants you to understand too.

I am not surprised that he contacts you after all these years, you propably never left his mind. He has discovered who he is and he wants to share that with you and maybe start over again.

But it was not nice of him to take averything when he left. I don't understand that.

I hope things work out for you.

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you've been through
In the past, what relationships I've had were troubled and ended badly. This was before I knew I had AS so I didn't understand why exactly this happened it just always seemed to. Since I learned why I've had occasion to think about those I hurt. I often wish I had the ability to speak to them and explain my actions so your ex-husbands actions certainly make sense. However I'm puzzled, you said your marrage just 'fell apart' AS symptoms don't just pop out of nowhere, they're lifelong. Did you have problems in your relationship before it ended? Don't answer if you feel the question's too personal.

I can relate to this story, although it doesn't involve a wife. In high school, there were a lot of people I considered to be friends, but since we never talked about our friendship, I never really knew how they felt about me. As a result, I could never express to them how much I appreciated their friendship. Some of them wanted to stay in touch with me, but I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to spend any time with them, so we lost touch. Even though it's been almost twenty years now, they're never far from my thoughts.

It hurts to think how much I've lost, and your ex has probably been hurting, too, from the thought that he couldn't tell you how he felt. It definitely sounds like he wants to try to reclaim part of his past life, which is something I've recently tried to do myself when I sent an email to a girl from my high school. We've communicated a couple of times, and I told her about my AS diagnosis. I haven't yet heard back from her since then, but I expect to do so soon. In your case, I hope this leads both of you to a better understanding of each other.

I had similar experiences. Before I knew about AS, I would often do odd and self-destructive things then feel guilt or shame, especially towards people who cared about me. The whole "fight or flight" issue had always been a problem for me too. After AS, I can understand the signs and take measures and it opens up a new world of self-understanding. I contacted a couple of people since then to explain. I'm not sure if it was therapy or an apology, but it was a step towards connecting instead of pushing people away. So I see it as a good thing overall.

The fact that he e-mails doesn't surprise me. I sometimes used e-mail to hammer out complex emotions and issues rather than deal with speech and wrong words and misunderstandings. The irony is how open e-mails are to other misunderstandings. I think he wants some sort of a relationship. He is probably as confused as you are as to what that might mean. Have you actually *spoken* to him? I wouldn't read too much into the pen pal thing. He needs to take it to the next step and face you.

Welcome to WP!

Tim