New post with son who has Asperger's

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My 19 yr. old son Michael was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 12 yrs.old. We found out that late because he is a childhood cancer survivor that was diagnosed at six years old. He relapsed and underwent a bone marrow transplantat nine years old. Because of all the school he missed during his illness, he did not attend school much. But when he was able to go back his first full grade of school was 7th grade. Needless to say, he struggles with any type of social issues. He is extremely bright and he attends a junior college in our area. He does not like to drive unless absolutely necessary. He onlys stays in the house and may go to the store and school. He loves his computer as he wants to be a writer. But he gets so obsesed with it. It is hard to get him off of it. He does have quite a few physical issues that he will deal with for his lifetime but I am at a loss as to how to get him more socially involved. He has no friends. He did when he was younger but they grew apart. He tells me doesn't need friends. He is perfectly fine alone. But I think it is important for him to start making relationships. How can I help him especially if he won't let me?
Thanks for all your help. It is very difficult as I do not know any other Aspies.

I beg to differ. I think the problem is you dont want to listen to your son. You want to believe there is a way to live and he is not doing it that way. Some people are loners.

Unfortunatly, you are right to be concerned as he is your son and you want him to be happy(I hope). The guy has lived through more trauma than you can imagine most likely and you want him to just jump right back in the saddle of that horse named life. It doesnt work that way. And yeah, its been a long time since he dealt with some of these things but maybe you should stop trying to change him and love him for who he is. Maybe you should try to get to know him. Show some intrest in what he likes and more importantly find out WHY he likes it.

Maybe you should learn that tolerance is a wonderful thing and that he probably has an abundance more of it than you. He has learned to tolerate the life he feels is necessary. You dont seem to understand what we aspies go through in society most of the time. Read some of the posts and realize that life aint sunshine and lollipops. Its binary code and writing sci fi stories. Its watching anime or knowing what day a certain date landed on.

You want to help your son, learn FROM HIM, what he deals with, not a website. And if he doesnt want to tell you, its prolly cause you didnt care when he tried to explain or never gave him a chance to. He had cancer, he is different. Hes not gonna be prom king or the all star quarterback. What he will be is himself and no one has the right to take that away, or want to change him. Hes not hurting anyone, and he deserves the right to life liberty and THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. Notice how one is emphasized.

And guess what, autism in him didnt just fall out of the sky. You or his father have a form of it most likely, and its probably more "Around" than youve cared to notice. You know aspies, I guarantee it. You just dont know what it means to have an ASD. Learn about it, if not for yourself, for your son.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

emo may be right.
dont make him do what you think is normal, allow him to do what he thinks is normal, but then a transition does need to occur somehwere to inroducing him to the outside world, i agree.
the answer for aspies is in front of you, and you dont see it...a key board.
this allows him interaction in a safe manner which we aspies crave, also getting e-mails and sending and psoting messages is a form of socialisation that perhaps you wernt exposed to but is still a great way for aspies to interact.
then you can build on this, introduce topis such as socialisation in the realworld etc and allow him to discuss it with his on line mates.
aspies who are forced to do anything they dont feel comfortable with will revolt.
hope this helps

Your understanding of AS is in an infancy stage. I agree with Emo to an extent, even though his comments were a little harsh, and definitely Donkey. I have a 16 yr old son with AS (I also have AS, sdx), and my wife and I have found out that on certain subjects we end up playing his game, which is "don't talk to me, send an email or IM". We have found that if we can engage him in the subject via these mediums (my son is compulsive in that he has to respond when this medium is used), without any of the physical emotions that usually comes out in a vocal exchange, he starts to come out in these areas. On several occasions he has stopped the email/IM and tracked us down personally to start a verbal discussion on the matter. An important thing to remember with Aspies is that if it isn't their plan, they don't want to have anything to do with it. Our method has worked in areas like relationships, teacher interactions, employment and other areas. I won't guarantee it will work with your son, but if there is one thing I have learned from the posts on wrongplanet, is that different things work with different Aspies.

Good Luck!

Wow, I guess I didn't express myself the way that I wanted. I am sorry if I offended any of you (Emo) but it was not my intention. As explained earlier, my son was diagnosed with cancer at 6 years old. I was the one who went to every bone marrow aspirations, spinal taps, saw him getting zapped by radiation to his whole body for three days, we spent literally months at a time in the hospital. When he had his transplant he was the closest to death a person can get without dying. Can YOU imagine what it is like to see your son suffer? I don't have to imagine what kind of trauma he has been through, I witnessed it. His transplant was nine years ago so I don't think that I am trying to get him to "jump right back into the saddle" I am a mother. I accept my son unconditionally. I am his best friend, as he is mine. I know what he is thinking when he is thinking. I don't want to change him, I want to try and help him. That is why I asked for suggestions. I want him to experience life. And honestly you can't do that sitting in front of a computer.
Your suggestion that I think life is sunshine and lollipops couldn't be more off base. If you think cancer, mild kidney failure, type II diabetes, high blood pressure, pituitary failure, cataracts, and restricted lung disease is sunshine and lollipops. And for the record, the thing I want most for my son is LIFE!! I'll take it whichever way I can.
He was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was twelve, did I know that he was "different" than everyone else? Of course, he is my son, but at the time his cancer treatment came first. I asked this forum for help so I can many of different perspectives as I know that everyone is DIFFERENT.
Frankly, you were way out of line to tell me I don't accept my son, or that I should pay attention to him, or that I don't talk to him or I should get to know him. I was just asking for help. You may want to step back and look at your life; cause my son is loved, he is accepted and since he is my only child; he gets ALL of my attention.
As for the rest of the panel. Maybe I have come to the wrong place to get help. I do appreciate Pinwhiz and donkeys messages. I will try to approach things more to his plan. I thank you for your help.

Dot13, don't give up on the community. There will always be differences of opinion. Most of the information that I have received here has been helpful and full of insights as to how I think and act, as well as understanding more of the challenges that both of my Aspie kids have. My 6 yr old son with dx AS is very different than the 16 yr old, so the variety of opinions and methods have been very instructive.

I have also personally met individuals like Emo who feel that it is more an issue of tolerance and acceptance of the condition, rather than forcing conformity. I personally believe that an individual with AS has to walk the middle in order to succeed and survive in NT society. That has been my challenge, and I personally believe that I have been relatively successful at it. I have a MS degree, been married for 18 yrs to a wonderful woman who has supported me in all that I have attempted, have 3 children, and a very comfortable life.

I don't know if Emo has children, but until he knows the joy and heartache that comes with being a parent, he needs to be less harsh when talking to parents about how to deal with them.

Again, don't give up, and good luck!

--PinWhiz

Well, some people deliver messages with less delicacy but I do see what Emo is saying to you. I know what it is like to watch my child suffer and I also what it is like to ay good bye to my child, forever. However, do I know what it is like to suffer the pain of the medical treatment etc? No, I don't and each event in our life shapes us differently. While your angst and devestation for what you endured with your son was incredibly painful, your son has his own emotional battles from it as well, seperate and aside from your own. I am not trying to speak for Emo, but perhaps he meant that you have to accept your son also had to endure terrible hardship aside from what you had to endure.

I agree the computer is a great social outlet for your son, even tho it is not "traditional" yet, one day it will be. If you are your son's best friend and he is yours, what more does he need at this point? He is only 19 and is still a child. However, have you looked at local clubs etc which may be in his interest? If he likes computers you can look for computer type college classes etc where he can "network" with people (Ok I am laughing at my double meaning of network, I feel clever) Again, meet him on his level because he won't ever meet you on your level.

It is ok to worry about your son, it is ok to want him to be immersed in social wonderment but it is also ok if he truly feels sated with his life as it is.

First off, you sound like an amazing mother and my heart goes out to you for all that you and your son have endured. I can see the bond that you speak of and I think it will serve you well in helping your son.

As far as socialization goes...does your son interact with online friends? If he spends so much time on his computer I would imagine that he does. Online friendships can become very real friendships. That's how I've met several of my friends. We met online, then we met IRL and it's been fantastic.

What other interests does your son have? Maybe you could take him to a an event that focuses on something he likes. If he wants to be a writer, would he take writing classes outside of school? Go to spoken word performances at a local coffee house? Volunteer somewhere?

If I were in your shoes, I would probably approach the idea of broadening his horizons at home to start. Get involved with him on the computer. Show interest in his world that he has behind his bedroom door but do so carefully so that you don't trample on his privacy.

It's a tricky balance between the two and I wish you much luck.

Take care.

Welcome to WP,remember to psot,never post or spam and if you hate MTV,please join the church of MTV haters.

Dexkaden has hit on a few really important points. He has known cancer his whole life and it has been the that last few years just learning about himself and what kind of person he wants to be. As for me being the his advocate for so many years, I know that I have to start letting him do his medical things but he shows little interest in taking over my job.
At college there are writers clubs but this actually goes back to my first post. He really just wants to go to school and leave as fast as he can. He doesn't want to spend one more minute there than he has to. So clubs and other gatherings are not of interest so I am a loss as to what to do. I think he would enjoy the club, but not if he has to stay late at school.
Honestly, I don't push Michael to do anything. I will ask him how his school work is going. If he is having problems but I do not make him do anything except eat dinner with us and I do like to see his face outside of the computer room a couple times per day.
He is a member of a "B" movie site and I know that he interacts with people that way. I guess I am just trying to see what I can do or shouldn't do to help him. I am deeply appreciative of your help.

Ya know, I know I have a harsh way of saying things, probably due to my upbringing. The fact that you dont seem to understand WHY leaves school as fast as possible tho, is extremely disturbing to me. Its practically blatant and obvious. You dont seem to understand what happens to people who are "different". Maybe you dont remember highschool or college, or maybe it actually was different back then. But when you're different, you dont get along with people, or rather, people dont get along with you.

I would bet that he is treated like s**t by people. Do you know why I make this bet? Cause Im different, and I've seen what happens to different people. If you ACTUALLY look through the boards on here, you will find more than 100(give or take) subjects that have to do with bullying or ostracization or something to that matter. And you know what? I guarantee there are 100x more of those stories that havent been told.

How much do YOU wanna bet your son is treated like the average joe compared to my bet?

NOW, with that in mind, do you actually think he WANTS to make himself susceptible to more of the torture that he endures? What you really need to focus on, if you want to help your son, is how to deal with people. How to be happy. How to enjoy life. Cause you know what, we all know that few people make it to the famous status. The least you can do is help your son become content and then yourself be content with what he has chosen.

There is no cure for what is wrong with us. We can only lessen the severity of the symptoms. And realize, NOWHERE in this post did I say he DOESN'T want friends. I said he doesnt want to deal with people, because people are evil in the eyes of those who are tortured by them. Theres no doubt in my mind you have no idea what people do to your son when he's not around you. He may have told you one or two things, but ask the people on this forum if they tell thier parents or siblings that they're being tortured verbally emotionally and socially day in and day out. The truth of the matter is, MOST of us dont because we tried once and you didnt listen to us, or we're afraid what you'll tell us wont help at all. Then what do we do?

I thank you all for your recent posts. As suggested in a few posts, I have to accept that my son doesn't want to be around people, or doesn't want to stay at school, because he has been harrassed by people. I know he doesn't like to be around medical people for the reasons that CelticGodess stated so eloquently. I am positive the three to four years he was prodded and poked may be another reason he doesn't want to be around people. From the first day he started chemo(six years old), he would never speak with doctors when they asked him questions, so I took that as a coping mechanism. I'm sure Emo will have another diagnosis.
And not for nothing, of course I know what people have said and done to him, he has told me, albeit maybe not all of them that happen every single day of his life at school. But being somewhat intelligent, I can figure out that he may have issues that he doesn't tell me. Being completely ignored is more the common response with him. He fades into the woodwork, he doesn't speak or bring attention to himself on purpose.

If I am not being too personal, what are some of your occupations? Do you work with people outside of your home? And if you do, how do you manage it? How do you become a functional Aspie? How do you work, go to the grocery store etc..., how do you deal with problems or situations outside of the computer room? Michael can handle some things like school and he goes to the movies by himself. That is what he is limited to doing right now. Thanks for your help.