I'm approaching 18 a few months later, and currently studying in a state university in my region in the 2nd semester. I've been noticing there are some irregularities in me approx 9 year ago. Yeah. At the time I weren't aware of that. What I just know that I had only few friends. During that time too, I got diagnosed with somehow mild ADHD.
In my junior high (mid 2006-mid 2009) I got placed in a special class (people with more than average academic abilities). I have problems with friendship and make almost no friends there, although I had managed to have some because most of the people in my class were unchanged during the 2nd and 3rd year. Approaching the end of this period I developed a deep interest about something, which I often looked for on the Internet but never told any people up to now. I often get bullied from people there, from my class or from the other classes.
Often, from time to time, I change my interest. From Flash game programming, to Java programming, and recently some sort of diseases.
Now, some of those old friends on that special class would be happy to help me, although they are sometimes still reluctant.
During my senior high years (mid 2009-mid 2012) I became increasingly aware of what might have caused me to be like this. At the end of this period I tried an Asperger test and I got 42 (scores >32 are considered Asperger). Also I had ever had an IQ, EQ, and AQ test that found out that I got 130 in my IQ, but my EQ and AQ are below normal. I couldn't communicate effectively nor well with my fellow graders, seniors, and juniors. Of course, I know that my seniors and juniors are making rumours about me. That prevents me to approach them, or I can ask my 'slave' to get a particular person's phone number. In addition, some people said I have an autism. I don't know if it's just a teasing or actually true.
In that period too, I become an avoidant, especially during the 3rd year. I always would have taken an empty pavement (which are seldom used by people) to walk. After school, I would have preferred to look for an empty class to study by myself than going to friend's homes or having fun out there. I also developed palilalia, a tendency to repeat my own words such as "Where are you going?" and I would answer "There, to X, X." or "How is it done?" "I'll show you. It's like that, that, that." Without I being aware of.
I've been noticing that I have different vocal tone than the others. I'm also somehow hypersensitive in a particular sensory organ. I have difficulties engaging in small talks. I have several routines that must be followed (such as doing things in order and sequence).
Then I entered a state university, with much struggle. In my country, race and religion matter you, and I'm a minority in both of them. After entering the university I become more and more depressed than I were in my senior high. I started to think 'Why is it me, not my brother?', 'What could have my parents done in the past?', etc.
In the past (during my 2nd and 3rd senior high years) I always asked to myself "Why can't I get a girlfriend?" While arguing like this
I have an above normal academic ability
I can play piano well - I don't understand this, because an Aspie should have some motoric problems. But I have ever been told that I can't control the dynamics (cresc, decresc, etc). Anyway there's an argument that can support this. I played poor in competitive sports.
And the other arguments that I thought made me superior to the others.
Recently, during these 2 months, I realised that I'm very weak and helpless. I become very depressed. I just think "I'm somehow lower than ordinary people." I've been losing my hope. I also think that I'll only be a burden to my parents. I've been trying to lower my own profile. What's wrong with me? I'll be going to a psychologist within a few next months.
03 Mar 2013, 3:46 am
