greetings fellow aliens!! !
I am hoping some here can explain to me if this all sounds familiar.. Okay.. so here goes. I will try to keep this from reading like a full biography.
How I got here: I have always been considered unique. I learned to read at 0.5 years. In school I was placed in a “gifted” program in early middle school. My IQ was tested between 138 and 142. I was diagnosed with anxiety twice when young, once by a therapist and a second time by a general practioner. Otherwise, I have never seen a psychiatrist or mental health professional.
I am 30 yo male, and over the last few years have been on an obsessive quest to figure myself out. I always thought I had social anxiety simply from bullying in middle school and I could get over it. I finally talked to others with SA and realized this is not what I have. There are no panic attacks, just a sense of dread in dealing with “others” and being overwhelmed. Even friends and close associates cause this dread. I have to reason my way through social interaction, nothing comes naturally (except with others like myself).
So a year ago out of curiousity I took Wired’s AQ test. I scored a 28. So that intrigued me further and I began researching autism and AS. I asked some of my old friends what they thought. One couple said “we always knew you were an aspie, we just thought you were very well socialized”. Okay then...
I learned those social skills roleplaying on AOL chat back in the day. Text communication is so gloriously comfortable to me (although it can still freak me out, like writing this). I learned there that girls could like me for my personality, and I could act natural and learn how people interact. I gravitated towards others like me.
I refer to most people as “those humans” or “humans are so…!”. People baffle me. I need literal instruction and clear information to perform well at work, but when I get it I do some of the best work. I live routines, yet also have a great openness to experience, as long as I am in control of it (i thank my [i]grandparents [/i]for this, they both nutured my obsessions and quirks and introduced me to new and exciting things). "you like trains, okay lets go spend the night in a caboose and check out a museum!" into fantasy right now, okay "i'll make you armor and weapons from boxes and bags and lets have a quest!"
My parents are perfectionists, and this has rubbed off onto me. I have fought my own nature for so long now.. it is very tiring. I have been concealing, hiding, and even lying (which I can’t stand) to cover up my social definicies, because to society at large it is such a weakness. It has held me back throughout my whole life. Not being able to make a phone call, not being able to sell myself to get a better job, fearing being in a classroom, and so on. I am told I can be very charming and sweet, but only to women. For some reason I am more comfortable talking to women, my first friends were all women and being decently attractive likely helps.
I understand empathy and do experience it, but it is strong and uncontrolled. So I do the reasonable thing and try to make everyone around me (that I’m forced contact with) happy. This causes people to use me, knowing I am afraid of conflict.
I am very emotionally stable, yet always feel this potential rage inside me. It comes when I am presented with illogical situations or illogical people. It drives me crazy when people think with their emotions and allow cognitive bias to drive them. My memory is very good, but it seems everyone else conveniently forgets things and assumes I am just lying. Lying seems to be so integral to the way people operate, yet it takes every fiber of my soul to do it (my boss forces me to lie to customers and I HATE it).
I wish people would say what they mean and be direct. I follow instructions like a robot… with IF…THEN statements and GOTO lines. I don’t get sublety.
Oh and my GF of 5 years loves me for these things. So it’s not all complaints… although a relationship like this was a long time coming.
Phew, okay so that is just what I feel is relevant. Does this sound familiar to anyone?
I am glad to have found this place, as just reading has opened up a lot of insight for me. I hope to learn here.
So I am undiagnosed but suspect mild aspergers and possibly ADD.
19 Feb 2013, 1:29 pm
