introduction of an aspie dude

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greetings. hello.

i havent been formally diagnosed with aspergers. although based on repeated self testing, the evidence is compelling. ironically a relative of mine is a psychiatrist, and i remember when i was a child she said i might be autistic. but that never was pursued and nothing came of it because she lived far away. anyway i am skeptical of psychiatry in general and any drug dependent "therapy". i dont believe in the unquestioned deferral to the medical system. i don't want to take any drugs. i may be arrogant to say this, but in fact i look down on the use of drugs. i have never done marijuana, smoked or anything. despite being invited by many people. including my grandmother! i think it is a sign of weakness to be dependent on an external substances of any kind, except for good food & water of course!

anyway, all the typical symptoms of childhood of aspi, i had them. i remember things like not going to the bathroom to pee, holding it for several hours, just because a guest was in the house, and i did not want to be noticed walking to the bathroom. i always hated walking out of a room while someone was talking, not out of politeness, but out of fear of being watched as i leave the room. speaking of rooms, i would always stay in my bedroom to avoid my brothers friends, my mother friends and anyone who had been invited into the house. i hated to be seen. i wanted to be left alone. and yet i was lonely. i wanted friends, but didnt want people around. made no sense.

i stayed in my bedroom all day memorizing encyclopedias & atlases, i loved geography and anthropology when i was only 4. i have always loved maps, sociology & ethnology, i was also interested in geology, physics and cosmology. i also loved reading my father's architecture text books, he was an architect. i also love archaeology and history. i have always loved reading books, still do. but ironically i have no interest in novels. i have never read a novel in my life, only when i was forced to during high school english class. i also loved categorizing and organizing things. putting things into rows and clean, clear lines. everything had to be perfectly aligned. no imperfections were tolerated. otherwise i would feel uncomfortable. i liked comics in junior high school. my favorite character was "the watcher" in marvel comics. member of an alien race of extremely old, super intelligent entities who observed the universe to gain vast knowledge, but never interfered or participated. that was exactly me. i felt like the "watcher". it helped me excel academically. i have always loved schools, education and learning. i still do.

i also remember episodes of extreme sensory overload. a few times i woke up and my own hair was booming loudly. meaning the sound of a hair moving on my head was magnified 1000 times. it sounded like an airplanes jet engine, booming so loudly. after a few times during those episodes, i forced myself to analyze the situation despite the extreme discomfort. ironically my tendency to over analyze allowed me to perform an experiment during those attacks. so i would stand up and walk to test what my senses were. one step felt like a kilometer had been traveled. it was in my room, i know i didnt go anywhere, but i felt like a moved to the other side of the room in a flash. i felt like i was inside a "hyperspace", it was utterly bizzare, very very frightening! eventually these "hyperspace" episodes stopped as i grew up.

anyway by the time i was in high school i felt i was superior to other people. i was arrogant for some reason. but i did not want to be "abnormal". so i forced myself to change. step by step. it took forever. several years. i forced myself to leave the room, forced myself to talk to people. forced myself to smile and look happy talking to people. forced myself to interact and be extroverted. forced myself to go to parties. forced myself to be flamboyant and outgoing. it was so freaky and so very uncomfortable, but it had to be done. i did not want to be what i felt was a social "loser". i had to erase this disgusting self. and become an extroverted flamboyant smiling adventurous guy. i immersed myself in fashion, music, dance, and cool hair. well i became so extroverted, attention hungry, and fashionable at one point, people could never believe i was ever a painfully shy child.

but that shy child never really went away, now the result is, i have periods of flamboyant narcissistic extroversion when i enjoy being the center of attention and admiration, and periods of extreme introversion when i dont want to see anyone nor do anything nor go anywhere. i just want to be alone. walk alone, hike alone. be in my room alone, not noticed, not seen by anyone. i have become a patchwork of contrasts and extremes. i don't know if this is healthy, or am i becoming schizoid?! maybe i can meet someone similar to me?

anyway sorry for a long wordy post. i hope to learn more in this forum. i always find i never know enough.

hiya MannyBoo welcome to our cool club

Hello auntblabby, thank you for greeting me soon, cool indeed

^^^
here is a contrabass french horn, submitted for your enjoyment
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bC3UvJpxXO8&feature=related[/youtube]

Hello MannyBoo, welcome to the forum, glad you found us!

yes, you sound very normal to me .... but then I'm on the spectrum too ! !! !

welcome to the hypersphere !

auntblabby, thank you for that i have always liked the french horn because it has a noble and aristocratic atmosphere. i especially liked the smaller and high pitched kind of french horn when i was a child. i dont know why i feel its aristocratic and noble, i like the high pitched, soft and elegant sound it makes, and maybe the "french" name too? anyway i did not know about the contrabass type of french horn until now. thanks!

Hello Verinda, thank you. I am also glad, and look forward to learning more about my kind this is the first in my life to ever talk openly about these issues.

Keep posting here then MannyBoo and make yourself at home ( :

and maybe post your favorite french horn videos

Hello shubunkin. Thank you for your reply.

To me, the concept of "normal" is a fabrication enforced by a social authority. I think there has never been a "normal", ever.

I have been thinking, i want re-experience the "hyperspace" episodes i had as a child. Now that i am mature and more educated about the condition, i am curious about analyzing my extreme sensory overload experiences again, try to conduct experiments while in that state. That is if i can re-induce such a state again, maybe it can't be done? As a child it was very frightening and very uncomfortable, but oddly enough i was also quite fascinated by "inner space". I guess i want to be an astronaut of my head?

how about this? i like science fiction a lot too!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rpFZAH9A1Y[/youtube]

^^^
that guy had solid chops in my band days i could never get my fat lips in to that little french horn mouthpiece [the smallest i could get a decent buzz with was a baritone horn].

Welcome here on WP!

THANK YOU to everyone for all your warm greetings

I have only been here for a few days and i already feel at home..

It may be called "Wrong Planet", but it feels like the "Right Planet" to me