Worried sister of undiagnosed adult Aspie

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Hi you all ! Greetings from Switzerland Maybe you can help me.

After reading an article on Asperger's Syndrome in Newsweek a few year back, I've read up on the topic and come to the conclusion that my 35-year old brother is an Aspie.

How can I help him without hurting his feelings? How can I tell him gently that I think he is "different", but his condition is explained and the way he is has a name?

I've been buying tones of books in the hope of finding the perfect one for him, but none is right. I worry that he is suffering alone, when he could be in a friendly and understanding community of peple who can relate to what he is going through.

Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.

Why do you think he is suffering and needs help?

Good question from remnant... There's a thread on the parents forum right now about the right time to tell a child, which your brother obviously isn't. The big question is whether you're telling him to satisfy a need he has to know or whether it's your need because you think he's odd. Is he living a life that in his estimation is happy and fulfilled? Or does he himself acknowledge issues that he can't explain which are problems and obstacles preventing him from being happy? If he is actively wondering about himself and seeking answers, then you can go to him and ask what he thinks of the information you've found. If he's someone who is happy just being himself and doesn't see anything wrong with his own life, then you may want to think twice about approaching him, at least for right now. My son is 6, has been evaluated and diagnosed, and understands that he's different. We discuss his AS openly and have laid the groundwork for him to learn as much as he can on his own when he's ready. Your brother has made it into adulthood without all that, so now the most important thing is his own perception of the quality of his life. I guess in a nutshell: "if it isn't broken, don't fix it." But if he's really hurting in some way and he's open to help, then go for it in a repectful way.

Thank you remnant and hexel.

Well, it's hard to say. He is not very outgoing and never talks about his emotions. I have no idea if he is searching himself or if he's depressed.

When I ask him about his job, what he did over the week-end, how his latest date worked out, he doesn't have much to say and does not sound too thrilled to elaborate. He has a hard time keeping a job, he considers going out for a beer with his IT collegues as a professional obligation, has very few friends and never had a serious relationship with anyone. He seems eager enough to meet people, but has a hard time making small talk. I'm worried that he may be sad withoug knowing it and that his solitude is chosen, but imposed because of his awkwardness with people.

I'm not worried because he's odd. I'm concerned that he's happy.

hi heidi

i'd be worried about telling him 'gently' - when people say this what they usually mean is being indirect and using lots and lots and lots of emotion, instead of just getting to the point. which is extremely irritating to people with AS! it is better to be direct and say the facts in an emotionally neutral-to-positive way.

and if he disagrees then you just have to accept it and not mention it again, it's his responsibility then. you can't push it on him, that will only make things worse.

good luck!

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Thanks DivaD
I'll remember to be direct, clear and specific.

There are a lot of older aspies who got DXed in their 30's and 40's ,50's,and feel a sense of relief.I dont know how an aspie could live in an NT world and NOT know they are "different"...I think knowing a reason why is interesting at the least and a great relief at it's best.

I think it would be helpful for you to have a positive image of AS people before you tell him about the posibility.If you think of it as some form of "retardation" then of course he will be offended.If you tell him you have learned about a group of people whose brains are wired differently then the "average" person....it doesnt seem so bad.Some people who have gotten DX,just ignore it at first but come back to learn mre about it later in life.

Maybe you can give him a link to the aspie quiz....does anyone have a link for the long one?

Hi Krex -
Thank you, thank you for mentioning the "test". That's exactly what I had in mind. I've been surfing like mad to find something appropriate for adults. Could anyone recommend the best one?
You are right about presenting as a not so rare brain-wiring condition, more so than in the male gender.
The reason why I won't give up it that I'm also intimately convinced that he will find some solace when he understands better what's different from a physiological point of view. I may also mention the many brillant historic figures who were DXed post mortem.

My sister's name is Heidi, my heart froze when I saw this .

Welcome Heidi .

Hi, I will try to find the link for aspie quiz, its really fun to take. I talked my parents and sibs into taking it. My parents were annoyed by my request, but my sibs helped talk them into taking it. The parents came out normal. (My parents, meaning biological mother, and step father, I get my autism from my biological father, who isn't around to take the test.) My sibs, who are related to my bio father, were joyful about taking the test, auties seem to enjoy these things. one sib came out half and half, one came in at almost half and half, but that was the 6 year old, so some q's couldn't be answered correctly) I wouldn't worry about offending your brother, be direct, and tell him to take the test. What would offend an NT, most likely will compliment an aspie. self diagnosis is fun for auties! Plus, most of us autistics and aspies really DON'T feel like we are suffering. (I think we might feel more evolved, or hybrid) peace

Aspie quiz

Also keep in mind that while he could be lonely, there's also the possibility that he's quite content with his life. Either way, though, he may be glad to know there's a reason for his not quite fitting in (if he does have AS).