Just discovering myself.

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Hello, everyone!

I'm completely new here, but not new to myself. I've always felt different, socially awkward, unable to stay concentrated to finish things, with uncommon interests, and a knack for collecting "useless" knowledge. Unfortunately for me, Asperger's was virtually unknown when I was in school, and I went to countless psychiatrists who tried this and suggested that to no help whatsoever.

It wasn't until the past few months that even discovered Asperger's, and I couldn't believe what I was reading! I haven't yet had the time or the money to seek a professional diagnosis, but I feel one is certain. I fit the criteria almost perfectly! I've learned several usable social skills, especially over the past two years, but I still tend to scare women I find attractive and act eccentrically from time to time. I do have a sharp sense of humor, but it's admittedly weird. I also have an unusual fondness of being touched, rubbed, hugged, and held, though I am rather defensive of my personal space.

I'm married, and I have a young daughter who shows a lot of signs of being like me. My wife refuses to accept that possibility, refuses to get her help, and she's unsupportive of my condition, claiming that I'm only using it as a crutch or an excuse. We're already planning to separate, and I'm now keeping my own bedroom in the back of the house which, I've just realized, is slowly starting to resemble my old room back hoam.

I'm currently working a factory job, three years now, which I have begun to tire of and hate, though I'm very knowledgeable and well-praised for my abilities and willingness to help. I've promised to stay there long enough to see my wife finish college and find a job in her field, but afterwards I plan to follow my dreams.

When I first encountered the term "aspie" I thought, What?!, but I've recently come closer to embracing it. It seems endearing, especially if I can connect with others like me. I look forward to learning more about what this all means and what I can do for myself.

People who think asperger's is an excuse are really unenlightened. While I think it's important for you to pursue help for your daughter I don't think it's right for you to support your wives endeavours with college when she doesn't support your endeavour to become more self aware. Does she not believe in aspergers at all? Or does she just not believe you have it? If it's the latter maybe you could request that she read up on it just a bit. She might have that same awakening of recognition about your traits. If not never mind... It's good that you are becoming more self aware. Best of luck with your journey.

I want her to finish school because I want her to have her independence and not have to rely on me when we do go our separate ways. I just think it would be easier that way for both of us. She doesn't have that much longer to go anyway.


And as for her opinion of my situation, it's more like she thinks I should just "try harder" and "overcome it". How can I convince her that I already do try harder, but that it just doesn't quite work that way. I have half a mind to ask her about some of her gay friends. Does she think they use homosexuality as a "crutch" or an "excuse", and does she suggest to them that they should simply "try harder" and "overcome it"? I'm not gay, so I have no direct way of knowing if they're born that way or not, though I'm certainly not going to argue with anyone about it because, for all I know, they may be. But I do know I was born this way, and it's not based on choice.

She just refuses to understand that though I try, I can't remember things the way she does, or express my feelings the way she thinks I should, and that I can't handle her demanding ways or surprise and chaos. She takes it personally when I say something that doesn't come out the right way, or when I flinch sometimes when she touches me unexpectedly. It's not that I don't want her to touch me, but sometimes it just feels weird when I'm not expecting it.

I think it would benefit her greatly, as well as our whole relationship, if she'd take a moment to educate herself and understand that this is something I can live with and still have a successful and productive life, but it can't just be cured outright. In that way, it seems a lot like diabetes in that most people in my life never even have to know, but those closest to me should understand it's nothing to be scared of, and that it can be managed with the support and consideration of my friends and family.

I'll try to talk to her about it the next time it becomes an issue, but I'm just afraid that like the proverbial horse, she's just going to have to drink on her own choice. If I can't get her to understand, then I'll have to find someone who does or just be with no one at all.

And as for my daughter, I plan to seek a diagnosis for myself, and if my suspicions are accurate, then I'll have a definite case to seek help for her as well. She acts so much like I did at her age, she gets in her own little world and doesn't hear people who are talking to her, and she doesn't know when or how to be quiet or still or not act inappropriately around others. She forgets things and has the hardest time finding something in a room or following more than one instruction at a time. Her imagination seems to get the best of her sometimes. She doesn't share well with others. And no one seems to understand what her problem is, or they think she'll eventually grow out of it.

It took me well over twenty years to learn how to be quiet and still and how to act around people and live out here in the real world. But even now, I still slip up now and then. I'll inadvertently alienate a potential friend or I'll put more thought into how I'd like things to be instead of how they are and what I can do about it. But I feel if I had gotten help earlier, I'd be further along by now and I wouldn't've had to make the journey on my own.

Buick, I empathise a great deal with many aspects of your situation. In many ways the better you are able to adapt to social situations and relate to others, the more people expect of you. I suppose Autistic differences can be imperceptible on the outside and people simply can not grasp the amount of mental energy and effort that gets expended just trying to be "normal", or that what is not challenging or difficult for them may be very difficult for someone else. It is as if only a person that outwardly resembles Rain Man can get recognition for their differences, in some quarters. At the end of the day, it is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship when one or both parties can not relate to each other. It becomes toxic and laden with frustration and resentment. I have had many relationships like that with members of my immediate and extended family. I sincerely hope you can get your wife to educate herself, as you say, about the autism spectrum and that being different is not simply a choice we make, otherwise she will only see a mirage based the features she attributes to you and not the real you.

I absolutely empathise as well about feeling as if I'd be far further along if I'd had help many years ago. Please don't let anyones lack of understanding prevent you from finding suitable interventions for your daughter (if they prove to be necessary). Good luck and you're not alone.

Sweet greetings to WPea!



Mick and Peahawk