Hi there. I'm Abby, or Beej, and I'm new to this forum and aspergers. I am currently awaiting an evaluation by a psychiatrist to determine whether or not I have aspergers, but I am fairly certain myself that the results will come back positive. I'll just post an introduction as I'm not sure how much I fit in in the aspergers community yet, but I've heard this is the place to come to find out.
I started to question the possibility of aspergers a couple of weeks ago when I read an interview by the actor Paddy Considine (no doubt many of you will be familiar with him and his work). He was talking about how he had recently been diagnosed as an aspie and how it had improved the way he thought of himself and his work as he learned to understand the effects of the syndrome and come to terms with its consequences. He mentioned how, throughout his life, he had coped with other people by mimicking their actions and making them laugh, though he always felt like he was detached from the world. I thought that sounded very similar to the way that I would explain the world, so I decided to look up aspergers on the internet. I had heard the name before, but never knew it was high-functioning autism. I never knew anything about it, and I didn't know there was a difference between being an aspie and being autistic.
I found the first website written by aspies listing the symptoms of the syndrome and what challenges they face on a day-to-day life and I couldn't believe my eyes. Everything I read fit me perfectly. For the last six years I have been in and out of therapy and treated (using medication) for depression and anxiety. CBT never worked for me because I was fed up of going to one place every week to talk about the past, something that was troubling for me but definitely wasn't the cause of my problems. I was told throughout that because of experiences I had as a youngster that I was depressed, I was repressing memories that need to be dealt with and I needed to get out into the world and solve my problems with more socialising and less time alone, avoiding people through fear of rejection. Of course, I knew that I didn't want to spend time with people, not because I was depressed or anxious, but just because I didn't want to. I didn't connect with other people, I preferred time alone, putting more time into a hobby rather than wasting an evening and not enjoying myself. I just didn't know how to communicate that to someone, it just came across as apathy, and I was told I wasn't trying hard enough to help myself.
As I read further into aspergers, more and more symptoms seemed to explain my behaviour. I had started to worry about myself and my well being, sometimes questioning my sanity. I was being told that I was repressing memories and that I was left damaged by people I'd met in life and people I'd lost. I thought that there may have been bad things that happened to me when I was younger, that my brain had tried to block out, explaining why I never liked to be touched, and why if someone was to touch me I would feel uncomfortable and sometimes angry. I put myself in a very dark place trying to work that out. The relief I felt when I saw that other aspies didn't like to be touched was immense. As was finding out that eye contact was a problem, and the extra sensitivity was overwhelming. I have struggled with bright lights and patterns and loud noises since I was a child, to the point where I was sent for brain scans to make sure I wasn't having seizures. Migraines and odd behaviour were common, and I had finally figured out why.
I knew in that moment that it didn't matter that I preferred to spend time alone, or that I've never had a proper relationship, or that something as trivial as a patterned pair of curtains could make me angry. It didn't matter that I couldn't look people in the eye without staring into their soul, or that I couldn't start or continue conversations, or that every time I socialise I have to copy other people because I don't know what to do with myself. I forgave myself for not having empathy when people talk to me, and for not making more of an effort to contact people and stay in touch. I didn't feel guilty and more for pulling away from someone's touch, or gritting my teeth whenever someone git too close. None of that mattered any more because I finally found out why I acted that way. I was honestly starting to believe I was insane, and that I was a horrible person. Therapy was only making me worse.
I went to see my doctor the next day and asked her for her opinion, and she took some notes and asked some questions and looked through my medical history and came up with the conclusion that it is highly likely that I have aspergers, although she cannot make the diagnosis herself. She has sent a letter out of town to a team of people that are going to give me an evaluation, but I'm very confident in what the outcome will be.
Since then I have been able to handle myself better. I can forgive myself for acting strange or having to do something in a certain way, because now I know why, and it isn't my fault. It's not a bad thing - it's just the way I think. More importantly, it's the way WE think. I finally have a community and something in common with a group of people. People that I can question on their thoughts and actions and not feel like I'm making them concerned, not being scared that they will accuse me of being crazy.
I don't know why nobody picked up on this earlier, it could have saved me years of anguish and pain. I have so much appreciation for people like Paddy that use their fame for good, for helping people like us find where we belong in the world. Raising awareness is so important for mental issues, when you start to question your own mind it can lead to bad places. I am very relieved that I am here now, writing this and introducing myself, and I intend to stick around and ask questions and celebrate our differences instead of fearing them.
So to summarise, for those of you with short attention spans; I'm Abby, I'm strange and proud, and Paddy Considine is my personal deity. Hello!
06 Jun 2013, 1:03 am
