My experience coming to terms with aspergers

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So I'm 24 and I've spent about the last year coming to terms with my condition.

I think most people, even those with aspergers, have a desire to fit in. But I seem to feel it differently. I imagine for most people, their desire to fit in motivates them to go and do group activities.

Not so for me. I never seek out group activities, but if I should happen to find myself in a group, then I feel the desire to fit in, like a crushing emotion. It stems from the fact that i feel like I don't fit in, as evidenced by the amount of time I spend basically day dreaming while the others talk amongst themselves. I could do that on my own (and that is mostly all I do).

I was the shyest kid you could ever meet, in my early years I only knew one world and that was the imaginary world that existed in my head. I would frequently use my imagination to take myself on journeys, but I would never reach out to other kids to go on a journey with them. It never even occurred to me. I never thought; hey there's all these kids my age walking around, maybe they're just like me! I never thought about the other kids at all, unless they were directly confronting me.

It was only years later that I even attempted to open up to people. And by then my personality was set as the weird aloof one.

As a child I always had a very strong self belief that I was normal, no matter what anyone said. It wasn't even possible for me to entertain the idea that I was different. Many years ago my mum told one of my teachers that I'm shy, and I protested, "NO IM NOT" but it was probably the biggest lie I ever told. I was too shy to even admit I was shy, so I just lied.

In the last year the importance of 'normal' social interaction has dawned on me so quickly that its like being smashed in the face with a fire door. It's like: "here's the world - where have you been?"

All in all I'm in a better place now, thanks in part to the drugs, both medicinal and recreational. For me, recreational drugs are what finally broke me out of my tiny world, to at least realise that there's another way of thinking and of being, another way that may in fact be much more common than the way I've been living, and for that reason I should at least try and understand it, even if they won't let me join in.

Sad post, but I'm glad things are looking up for you. My guess would be that adjusting to AS is really a continuous process.

Your observations are very poignant.... I think over the years it may affect us less (maybe), but everything considered, there will always be that desire to fit in that is very frequently met with remaining alone. Quite a paradox, that's why some consider Asperger's a curse...

On the other hand, I firmly believe that while my thoughts and beliefs may be fundamentally different from other peoples', we are still all human beings and there is enough in common that sometimes I believe we connect in an altogether unique way-- most likely refreshing for people who are used to the automatic dance of social customs. There actually are people out there that will find us funny, interesting, smart, etc. plenty enough to excuse the other stuff. Besides, our conditioning (as Aspies) is largely self-initiated and self-perpetuating. I think perhaps Aspies have an even higher level of being able to "adjust" since this is constantly demanded of us....

Anyways, good thoughts, I think focusing on what you want and how to get it is quite neurotypical (no offense intended); something we can certainly learn from. (as long as it doesn't hurt others).