Hi I am Janis (NT wife) and I am new here

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Hi my name is Janis, I am 51 years old and in November I have been married to Craig who is 53 for 10 years. Let me tell you this 10 years has been a challenge! We have been in and out of marriage counseling BUT it never seems to work. We were actually fired by a counselor once!! Recently, I was talking with a friend about the latest marriage counseling sessions and how yet again it is a waste of time and she said "have you ever looked into AS, I think Craig has AS (he was diagnosed with ADD/OCD 10 years ago)." Monday, I did research on AS and marriage and OMG!! !! it was my life!

I know Craig loves me but we have never been able to communicate. It is as though we speak different languages. I have thought in the past he did not care or was doing things on purpose. I really felt at times he was trying to make me think I was crazy. If I get upset and cry he just stares at me. He does not say it will be okay, don't cry ... just nothing. He acts like a child sometimes and I have said over and over I am raising a 53 year old child and I did not sign up for this!

I am a very social person and attend most events by myself or with friends. I have many friends and most of the time I leave Craig to his projects (the yard and garden) and go off with my friends. I am so thankful I have these friends and an awesome daughter because I would be so lonely. If Craig comes with me to a social function and tries to interact it is painful to watch. I usually, tell him he can go home if he does not want to be there ... and he usually leaves. My friend told me her husband said to her "I feel so sorry for Craig, he is the saddest man I know. He never smiles, his voice and energy is just sad." When I spoke to Craig about this he said "well that is just not true, I am happy!"

I feel like he is clueless as to what he should do but I feel he tries so hard. Our marriage counselor told Craig he needed to be more involved in my life. Soooo...Craig started showing up at my coffee time at my girlfriend's house, unannounced. Pam would answer the door and say "Craig is here". He would come in, sit down at the table and say nothing. I would ask, so what is up? He would say "oh I just wanted to spend time with you." Really!

Craig spends hours in the yard. The plus to this is we do have the best looking yard in the neighborhood! My neighbors have said they never interacted with Craig until I came around; he lived there for 15 years prior to our marriage. They would see him outside but he did not speak to them or hang out with them.

When he finally comes inside from all his yard work he has to watch TV. If I am watching something he will get upset and say "but WE watch XYZ!" I have told him numerous times that I do not feel that watching TV with him is interacting and I could care less what happens week by week on some TV show. He gets really upset.

Craig will roll his eyes at me, talk really loud or glare and I will ask what is wrong and he will say nothing. I grew up in an abusive family and I was married to a man that was physically and emotionally abusive and I tried to tell Craig I am an expert in reading body language and energy and there is something obviously wrong! This is all making sense now ...

Craig will say over and over he is confused by things I say or do that are pretty obvious. Now I know why he says it, he is confused!

We have an appointment today with the marriage counselor I am going to bring up my suspicions of AS, I kinda hope this is the answer. My friend said to me yesterday "do you really need a label, Craig's behavior is still his behavior. I think knowing this will help him and I understand why he does certain things and why we can not seem to relate.

I love my husband but he drives me crazy (and I am sure I drive him crazy). I am hoping this group will help me understand more about AS, learn to speak his language and find friends that understand what I am going through. I am a bit scared because I do not know if this is the best my life will be and honestly I do not know if I can live this way.

Does your husband need a label? Sure. Knowledge is power. Technically, from the point of view of typical adults my age, I'm a loser. I have no house, no business, no 401(k) plan, no health insurance, no kids and no mortgages. I'm not even in a relationship. I'm autistic and also have Avoidant Personality Disorder. In other words, I don't beat myself up with my losses because I know why they're there. I went through a bad patch a few days ago but that's situational depression - I work at a job I despise.

Maybe you can encourage your husband to spend time on WP. He could share his experiences and also meet like minds. Being on here has helped me that's why I advocate for it.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I am an AS man. I was diagnosed at age 40 after 4 years of marriage to my second wife.

Please read 22 things a woman must know if she loves a man with Aspergers Syndrome. It is short and WELL worth it.
http://www.amazon.com/Things-Woman-Must ... 79-8159446

If that book makes sense try:
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-As ... s+syndrome

Both books are good for both of you to read. Tony Attwood's book told me why I am the way I am and led to my diagnosis. 22 Things was good for my wife but also good for me to read as I can understand her feelings best when I read about them, not when she talks. Written emotional words are FAR more profound and understandable to me than spoken emotional words.

Good luck.

Welcome Janis.

Hi Janis and welcome.

I'd go with what CranialRectosis said; check out some resources, and look into whatever you can find out about ASD - Tony Atwood is a great place to start, and certainly any books that can help you cope with having an ASD husband are a must.
So far as your husband; I would encourage but not push.
If you try to force him to attend a group discussion, and at the same time confront the elephant in the room of his suspected ASD don't be surprised if he storms out of the room. If this happens it's not that he doesn't love you or that he doesn't agree or suspect the same; it's just that such a situation would cause information and stimulation overload.

My dad used to do that all the time when we had family therapy; I'm on the road to a diagnosis now, whereas I can't bear any contact from my family - my dad clearly shows signs of an ASD, but his behaviour was accepted, whilst I was ridiculed for being rebellious - same behaviour, different person different judgement.

If your husband is anything like me, he may already have some unconscious awareness of his likely ASD status, but may need to do his own reading, research, and come to his own acceptance before reaching a point where he may seek diagnosis.
If he feels he is happy, and that others just need to accept him, he may not want to go through the process.

Regardless, your role is to be there, love him, accept him and support him.
He'll show you he loves you by not leaving you, and sometimes that's the best you can get.
You can bet that if he wasn't happy with you he'd let you know, and the fact he's attending counselling sessions with you at least shows you he values his marriage, and loves you; that's more than some spouses will do ASD or not.

Hi ya and Welcome.

We went to the counselor (Dr. Larry) and he confirmed my suspicion. He told us in his professional opinion Craig has all the characteristics of someone with AS. He said "you can go and get testing but do you really need to go through all of that to hear the same thing in the end." He also said he was reluctant to go that route because AS is the “new thing.” I am kind of irritated we have been going to counseling twice a month since December and Dr. Larry has not seen this!

He asked Craig how it feels to hear us talking about him and saying he has this neurological disadvantage. Craig said, "I am okay with it, when Janis was telling me about some of the characteristics I can not deny they sound like me and my life." Craig then "said I don't want it to be a crutch and the Dr. Larry said “oh no Craig AS is not the crutch, Janis is your crutch."

He explained that Craig married me for a reason and that reason was more than likely because Craig did love me BUT he also though I could give or teach him something he did not have in his life and that was social and communication skills.

Dr. Larry pointed out to Craig that he never makes eye contact when he speaks and Craig said he had been told that before. Dr. Larry explained to Craig that when you do not make eye contact the central nervous system starts to atrophy. He said that it is really important that he tries (with my reminders) to start making eye contact.

He gave Craig some exercises and told him he will have to start making baby steps and gave him ideas on things he can work on. Craig said "well, I will never be at Janis' level when it comes to talking and being social." Dr. Larry looked at him and said "you are right, you never will be." Craig looked at me and he said "Janis you talk all the time. I said really? I pointed out to him that he works all day, comes home from work (does not acknowledge me) goes right out to the yard work, when he is done there he takes a shower, next he watches TV and then goes to bed in his own room. I asked, so when do I talk "all of the time." After I pointed this out, Craig said "I don't want Janis to be miserable."

Well, I could go on and on, remember I talk all of the time! lol! Anyway, I asked if Craig has exercise what am I suppose to do? Dr. Larry suggested I read some books on AS and said the most important thing I can do is to have patience. Craig looked up and said "see I have told you, you are never patient with me." We have another appointment in two weeks.

Thank you for the words of support and book suggestions! I started to read The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband and it actually made me laugh because It reminded me of situations in which I was so frustrated and confused by Craig's responses during conversations. The puzzle is coming together, and I can laugh at this point.

Janis

You are correct we did communicate somewhat in the beginning, never is not the correct word. I married him because I loved him and I still do that is why I am here