jokes and more jokes galore!

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i would like to ask around if it is ok to share a funny story (which i unfortunately saw first hand) which contains a lot of swearing? this happened roughly two years ago when i was working in Clark airbase.

I would probably recommend that you put this thread in the Adult folder, if there's going to be profanity involved.

Tim

penitant: bless me father, i have sinned.
priest: go ahead my child, tell me your fears.
penitant: father, everytime i meet a person who believes in God i kill them... do you believe in God father?
priest: WHO?

So, the Titanic is sinking... a doctor, a lawyer and a priest are running for the last lifeboat.
The doctor notices a group of children running behind them, they are too slow due to smaller legs.
" What about the children? ", the Doctor says.
"F*** the children", the lawyer says.
The Priest: " We haven't got time."

jesus, peter, john and judas were fishing oneday:

peter: Lord i forgot our sandwiches.
jesus: go
(peter walks on water and returns)

john: Lord i forgot our wine.
jesus: go then.
(john walks on water and returns)

judas: Lord i forgot our bait worms!
jesus: go get them.
(judas steps into the water and sinks)

jesus: did you two forgot to teach judas where to walk?

There's a similar joke involving the Jackson family...

Michael, Janet, and Tito were flying coach to a concert with a class of kindergardeners when the plane's engine's suddenly failed.
Janet: Quick! Grab a parachute!
Tito: But there's only three! What about the children?
Janet: JUST JUMP! F**K THE CHILDREN!
Michael: *excited* Do we really have time for that?

OH MICHAEL!! !!

a kid was praying inside a church,

k: Lord, please give me a bike. i've been a good boy.

the next day nothing came. so he prayed again inside the church.

k: lord give me a bike, i've been a real good boy.

still nothing came. so the next day (fourth day) the parish priest was about to say mass when he noticed that the blessed virgin mary was missing. on it's stand was a note saying:

"lord, i got your mama. if you wanna see her again give me the bike or mum gets it."

Lemme try this again, sorry if it half posted: I hit wrong keys on computer.
A joke you actually have to DO:
Go to the fridge,
Grab the milk,
Hold it - at eye level - and off to one side,
Move it, still at eye level, to the other side,
The milk is better and safer, because now it. . .
. . . is past yer eyzed!

nutbag

My milk is homo

a priest was assigned in a very far village in mexico for twenty years. surprissed, the bishop visited this priest and asked:

b: how are you able to last this long?
p: that simple your grace, coffee and rosario (rosary).

so he shouted:

p: ROSARIO! BRINGS US TWO CUPS OF COFFEE!! !

another one you must DO:

go to the kitchen
pick up a pan
say to it: "Pan I see ya'!"
now you can cure anything

a nun in mexico was reading the roll call for her clas, this is the start of the school year.
she runs into a typo which made it unreadable.

n: juan what is your last name?
j: sister you always hold this.
n: OH MY GOD!! ! THAT IS SO RUDE!! ! THAT IS YOUR LAST NAME? YOU HAVE BALLS FOR LAST NAME?
j: sister? what are you talking about? my last name is rosario?

Nasrudin walks into the store and asks the storekeeper: "Have you ever seen me before?"
Storekeeper replies: "No."
To which, nasrudin says: "Then how do you know that it is me?"

What has 100 feet, 10 teeth, and an IQ of 50?



..............................................

The front row of the Grand Old Opry

a small town in Arkansas?

Ahh but seriously fffloks. . .

And aide tells Bush that the Iranians have developed a nuclear device
Bush asks: "They have a nukyouler bomb?"
Aide says, no sir, that's nuclear
Bush says: "OMG! They have wunna those too?!"