I figured I'd post here first since I'm new and I guess we're supposed to introduce ourselves here. My problem is more of a work problem so I considered posting in that form, but starting here since I'm new.
I'm having problems at work. More and more recently I've been feeling a lot of anxiety at work and it's been building for a few weeks. Starting two weeks ago on that Thursday I finally blew up at a coworker because I was already agitated with a work system crashing like it had several times today after I had already typed my notes (I work for a credit card company in their fraud application department and was either noting something detailed I'd discovered from looking at documents or from talking to someone claiming fraud, which talking on the phone even after several years hasn't gotten comfortable). This guy, who also happens to be higher ranking than me with some supervisory roles but not a complete manager, chews on sunflower seeds all day long, snapping them as loudly as possible. Before I knew him I didn't even know one could make noise while having them. He would spit them out into a hollow paper cup which he slams on his desk. When he's not doing that he's clearing his throat all day long or blowing his nose so it sounds like a foghorn. So after that initial confrontation and my feeling stupid a few minutes later and apologizing and having a manager overhear it, too, that was that. I figured I'd probably screwed myself for a promotion within the department I had interviewed for.
So then on Friday this past week I get a call from someone who has discovered something on his credit report. I eventually determine he needs to go over to another area (we're a very large company) and they're closed so I try explaining that and giving him their number. And he was incredulous and let out this completely condescending smartass laugh which just overloaded me completely and I basically without conscious thought hung up on him and swore at my desk for a moment before figuring I was doing the right thing and getting up to go cool off in the hallway.
I never hear anything more until today, where my manager was made aware of it, someone (and there were very people there so now I have a handful of people I can never trust again) decided to report it and it go through to the manager above my manager and the manager above that manager. They have brought it on to human resources to determine what should be done next. Based on talking to my manager, who seems plenty understanding, it sounds like it would go to the situation where I basically have to come up with a "plan" of what to do to improve my actions so that they don't happen again and if they do I'm out the door and unemployed when it took me back in 2005-06 over a year after college just to get a temporary job and six months longer to get my first regular job.
There are a couple of problems. One is that I had a thing over 5 years ago where I had this female coworker who I did not get along with and who wasn't exactly normal herself, so she reported me and ended up getting in just as much trouble as me as there wasn't a single thing she accused me of that she hadn't done, and she was too self-involved to realize it herself. So I'm afraid they'll did that up and say that was my last change more than 5 years ago, so I'm out on my ass.
Secondly, I'm not sure I like the best case scenario being that next time I screw up I'm out. These are sudden outbursts that I apologize for and am aware of my mistakes within 5 minutes of them, but when I built up to them there's not much I can do and no warning when the breaking point will be. There's times at work where the throat-clearing, chewing, nose-blowing (and I can wear headphones that cover my ears completely and still hear the sunflower chewing) just builds to where I lose it. I mean I have trouble concentrating and feel warm and like I'm starting to sweat during this, even when other people think it's cold in the office. Plus once my anxiety gets built up I don't sleep well at night so I'm even more touchy the next day and the cycle goes on.
With my building anxiety I had already been deciding I needed to make an appointment with a doctor, to get diagnosed with SOMETHING, to get SOME kind of medication because I can't just play off like I'm normal and them act like this when it's apparently not normal to be bothered by what I am genuinely bothered by. In fact on Monday I had already made the soonest available appointment with my doctor (which is this Friday) and figured I'll get to the bottom of my problems and my first days of a new life are beginning soon. Monday passes by hearing nothing, and then today, Tuesday, I get confronted with all of this.
I was approaching this as an anxiety issue and was figuring I need something just for that to help me relax, sleep and night, and see what I can do from this point to keep that from escalating. Then today after the manager dropped this on me, when I was on breaks or whenever I decided to do some more reading, and I realized that my ways of being irritated by certain things, to breaking had a lot of correlations with Aspergers. It's not the first time I thought I might have it, but doctors and psychologists before have always had the attitude that getting a diagnosis isn't important, just trying to deal with my depression and things like that was important, that just certain very simple mental activities alone, crap like writing what I'm good at and stuff like that would be what I need to do.
I'm just hoping first I don't get fired, and secondly that my doctor can get me a real diagnosis of something that can be treated or get me to the right specialist who can diagnose me with something.
So why have I thought I have Aspergers before? Everything from having trouble making friends, to being really good at the basic things in school (though college wasn't as easy), to being that kid who had the "tantrums" well past it being normal and well past my awareness of them and wishing I could control them and not being able to, to the fact I have collected maps probably since I was at least 6 years old and am fascinated looking at them.
So that's the intro to me, anyone who has any opinion on anything I've shared is welcome to let me know.
24 Jul 2013, 1:01 am
welcome to the club 
I am one of those people you'd hate due to my nervousness-related chronic catarrh. 
