New... A family in a whole lotta hurt and misery.

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Greetings.

I'm Vince (40), and my wife Kat (36) and I have two sons, Ethan (7) and Gage (almost 2). Ethan is the diagnosed Aspie in the family. I personally grew up with very similar traits/tendencies as a kid, but have not been diagnosed. My father is likely an Aspie as well, based on his traits/tendencies.

Ethan is brilliant at school (2nd grade), reads at a 5th grade or better level, handles math very well, and is generally a pretty good kid. Expert at drawing, especially maps, charts and various schematics (how levels in a game would look as a map, etc). Very proficient (almost too proficient) on the computer.

The difficulties come in communication and discipline. He doesn't form complete sentences and has issues with comprehension. He has a speech therapy class at school twice a week. A break in a schedule will usually result in a meltdown of some sort, and it can happen anywhere (school, stores, anywhere). Quite often, the meltdowns turn violent, and Ethan resorts to kicking, punching, slapping, and screaming. When he was a year or two younger, he was big on biting. Thankfully, that's passed.

Discipline is a big problem. He is clear on his own agenda, and cares little for the rules around the house. Bedtime? Huge issues. Sometimes it takes an hour or more from the moment bedtime is suggested to actually get him into bed. And if he is stuck on a particular task (watching a movie, playing the computer), having that come to an end in order to do something he doesn't care for usually results in a knock-down dragged-out fight to the death.

My own patience and frustration is similar to his, and that results in my getting irritated and combative towards him in return. Obviously, this doesn't bode well for the household in general. Kat is usually the one who will intervene and try to calm the situation, especially with Ethan, but her own level of patience and frustration has grown to the point where she feels she can no longer deal with any of us, especially if tensions rise between Ethan and I.

I can become frustrated to the point of wanting to spank Ethan. I try to be careful about how I deal with this urge, particularly because my own father was not frugal in any measure when it came to handling a whip on my own rear end. Tensions between Kat and I are at an alltime high, and our marriage is falling apart as a result.

We have had little to no success in finding a professional or support group in Orange County (Calif) who can assist us with Ethan's behavioral issues. There is an Asperger's group, but it largely caters to parents of kids 12 and older, and even then only permits the parents to meet, and not the kids. For us, the help is needed in dealing with specific behavioral traits, and working with Ethan to help him develop in some way for his own benefit.

So far the little one, Gage (2) is not showing similar traits that we noticed in Ethan at that age. However, he has his own little problem... he was born without a left ear (a condition called microtia). He has normal hearing on the right, and tests have shown he has hearing on the left... just no outer ear and no ear canal (and likely no eardrum on the left). At almost two, Gage has yet to build a vocabulary of more than one or two words.

So that's us in a nutshell. Hope this hasn't bored anyone too heavily!

You didn'y bore me, one bit. I've found that all quite interesting.

Many warm welcomes, by the way.

As you already now your son is what's called an extreme visual thinker. He's having trouble with words because he's not well wired for it.

I on the other hand am an extremely auditory aspie. I speak eloquently and understand music with frightening comprehension but I cannot judge distance or understand sign language though I've tried to learn.

Sign language should be a breeze for your boy.

Hi 'Mutt, I'm Mark. Welcome to the Wrong Planet.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Oh, man. I wish I knew somebody in the OC that could help you. Hang in there and welcome to the Wrong Planet.

Hi Vince. Welcome to WP:) . Sorry to hear you’re having such a time of it. Firstly, an important statement: “Effective behaviour management requires that parents control and modify their own behaviour in order to bring about changes in the behaviour of their children.”

Control is the issue – either our children are in control or we are. Our children rely on us to be in control, thus making them feel safe. In order to restore order and more appropriate behaviour, it’s important to firstly ensure that your son’s day is adequately structured so that he knows he can rely on the routine you’ve set. This will in turn lead to smoother transitions from one activity/routine to the next. You need to ensure that your responses with him are clear, calm and reassuring. It’s important that you do not raise your voice or add negative tone to an instruction when your son has not responded at the first cue – that will raise anxiety and tell your son that you are not in control which in turn leads to him becoming increasingly anxious. Allow him time to process the information and importantly do not nag him. Any change to the structure or current routine you have, will likely see a worsening of behaviour before it improves, but behaviour will calm if you maintain a calm, controlled approach. He has to test that you mean what you say and do. Praise his actions when he does as you’ve asked, without making reference to any negative behaviour.

As you have found, when you add anger to a request, your son’s behaviour will rapidly escalate, and any further negativity will simply add fuel to the fire. Adults who lose self control and display their uncontrolled anger are also easy targets for children. Your son will view your anger as a personal rejection and will be profoundly confused because at the age of 7yrs, his growing sense of Self is still founded in you and any thing that shakes his connection with you destabilises his sense of self.

Parents need to be calm and consistent in their patterns of responding. In regards smacking – smacking a child to teach him/her NOT to misbehave does not and cannot teach him/her to behave correctly. There are a very large number of autistic children(of all ages) who are regularly referred for their aggressive behaviour who have simply copied directly the management method(corporal punishment) used by their parents and eventually turn the tables on the parents when older. Certainly, some parents, particularly mothers, cannot be left alone with the grown up child(of either sex). Quite literally, what goes around comes around. An acquaintance who worked in institutions knew many who had been subject to quite severe, old-fashioned corporal punishments(as well as extreme abuse). They might not attack the people who punished them for fear of further punishment, but they frequently targeted people(staff or others) they perceived to be lower on the pecking order. They were very dangerous. Children are not born with maladaptive behaviour, they rely on parents as role models to guide them through life using positive behavioural guidelines.

Bedtime issues can be resolved by ensuring once again a calm, consistent approach by all, a firm routine in place(eg, dinner, bath, story-time, sleep time) using PECS if necessary. Note: Routine and physical exercise are known to help with sleep issues. We have an 8 year old son(as well as two adult children) and have gone through what you’re now going through). Our youngest son was prescribed melatonin for bedtime when he was 4yrs(as he had extreme difficulty sleeping), and with a really enjoyable, calm bedtime routine in place, everyone is so much calmer and happier. I wish the same for you and your family.

This might sound cruel, but once he was verbal and able to more or less understand us (around age 6), whenever my son was violent towards someone else (he could get VERY violent, he kicked me in the stomach more than once when I was pregnant, hard enough to bruise me), I would give him a teaspoon of chamomile tincture. This is a mild herbal sedatative... but it tastes horrible. Before long just the threat of the tincture was enough to get him to stop being violent towards others. He stopped hurting his sister and me, except on rarest occasion.

I have very simple standards for my son... no violence towards others, regular bathing, regular haircuts, videogames only during certain hours, and he has to do his homeschool. Other than that, he is a free bird. Because we homeschool, that instantly removes all the huge stressors school could cause him, so in a way we have it easy. I can't imagine how hellish it would be if he were in school... our lives would be in total upheaval. He's in Sunday school 2 hours a week, and even that can get dicey.

Forgot to add-- because we homeschool, the bedtime issue is a non-issue. My son is simply nocturnal, I think a lot of Asperger's people are. His mood is much lighter and sweeter at night, he is much easier to deal with. More than one person has commented that he's almost a different child, at night. He regularly stays up till 1am, and sleeps till about 9 or 10am. If I had to get him to bed at 9pm each night, again, this would cause unmeasurable anguish for all involved.

I usually go to sleep around 12midnight-1am. We have great times staying up talking, and he usually reads himself to sleep. This is incredibly therapeutic for him to have this alone time (when all his sisters are asleep) and things are just quiet in general.

Hi, Vince!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I suggest you take all that you said like a man and me the best you can be about all that you mentioned.

Enjoy your time here!

Thanks for the welcome(s). I think finding this planet might be a step in the right direction.

Bedtime: It is an issue with us and Ethan because he goes to a regular school. Generally, when school is in session, he's pretty good about a schedule. When he's on break, all bets are off.

We wouldn't mind if he wanted to stay up all night, since we all do, except we are trying to install some kind of structure in his every day. It's obviously not easy.

Ethan will get involved in a specific activity to the extent that he will simply forget to go to the bathroom... and so he goes right where he's at. It's not uncommon that he will lose all bodily control on the spot, which obviously creates havoc on many levels. If he is not overstimulated with a specific interest, he'll go to the bathroom like everyone else.

Haircuts: Absolute and pure hell. The last two visits to a hairdresser for kids involved me sitting in the chair with him on my lap, and a wrestling match that lasted more than half an hour, with the poor hairdresser trying to snip a bit here and there whenever the head stopped thrashing about. I end up drenched in sweat and hair. Since I personally buzz my own hair (you know, receding hairline, no real hairstyle to speak of), I will generally cut his as well. Again, it ends up being a torturous event at worst, and an unbearable task at best. If he agrees to it, it's still dealt with with screaming and crying.

He's in need of a haircut now. I don't look forward to it.

Sounds: He is sensitive to loud noises of various kinds. The haircutting fear is made worse by a buzzing device that freaks him out. He still goes nuts if it's only scissors. He will not flush a toilet except one at home because of the loud noise. (And he doesn't always flush at home either). Could not stand to hear anyone sing or whistle for quite some time (he's better about it now).

Absolutely petrified of dogs. Period. Big, small, on a leash, doesn't matter. We sometimes cannot take him to a park if there are dogs anywhere, even as far as a football field away.

On the flipside, his drawings are something to behold. Detailed, intricate and very specific. Freeway interchanges that work. Most of it is imagined, and he has a good imagination for things of that nature. He'll name streets he draws, and if you asked, he could tell you every street name between here and his grandparents (either set). My mother lives in Fallbrook, we're in Anaheim. My wife's mother lives in Walnut.

A lot of what I describe is partly autobiographical as well. I was huge on maps, and still draw them now, purely for my own enjoyment. As a kid I knew exactly how to get to my grandmothers if I needed to, and we lived 600 miles inland from Perth in Western Australia. I wanted to run away from home due to the heavyhandedness of Dad, but I knew a straight line meant days trekking across the Great Victoria Desert from Leonora to Perth.

While I hated haircuts as well, I was not quite as bad as Ethan. I refused to brush my teeth as a kid, and I recall having a few pulled. Ethan just had $2000 in dental work done to cap teeth decayed because he refuses to brush his teeth. Another ordeal that he cannot stand for... however, since the dental work, he's surprised us all by both brushing his teeth and refusing anything "that causes cavities." (He is well versed on all functions of the human anatomy, down to drawing and entire GI tract out in chalk on the driveway).

At some point I plan on writing a biography that details my father, myself and Ethan. There's a lot of ground to cover.

You're welcome!

Hi, Vince, Welcome to WP!
My heart really goes out to you-sounds like your life is pretty miserable at this point.
I take two herbal remedies called Bee Calm and MindSoothe. They help me from getting jittery for no reason etc. I've been researching herbs in general and there are others besides the ones mentioned on this thread that might help Ethan.
Another thing that might help is keeping a record of what Ethan eats and see if he has outburts after eating a certain food-such as ice cream. It's well documented that what you eat-especially sugar-can have an effect on one's personality.
Finally, is there someone you could leave Ethan and his younger sibling with for a weekend so you and your wife could get away? It sounds like you and your wife desperately need some time alone to help your marriage.
Hope things get better for you soon!

Hi Vince. Welcome to W.P. Your story sounds JUST LIKE MINE! Only I'm a mom, and my child is a daughter. And Ethan at 7 sounds like Sofia at 7. Scary stuff. You've probably tried it all, from being firm to giving in to his emotions...been there! In the end I trotted down to the corner Psychiatrist and asked for something for myself. Your history sounds somewhat like mine too, and Prozac has been a miracle for me. Once my emotions were under control I could start to work on my daughter's behavior.
Unfortunately she needed serious structure and I just don't do structure. That's not a philosophical statement; I try and I try, but just can't seem to manage. And of course, life is not structured. In the end, we put her on Paxil. What a wonderful invention! She is still Sofia, still interested in her favorite topics, still reacts too strongly to everything, still works better with a schedule, still can't stand strong smells, still dislikes haircuts, and still demands that the world conform to her style, but now we have a daughter, not a bundle of tantrums. Now I see her and I'm glad she's in my life. I never stopped loving her, but I used to dread each interaction because I knew each one would be a battle, and moms get tired. Now that she's on medication I'm not tired all the time. I can enjoy my time with her and learn about her interests. She can be more flexible and even roll with the punches a bit. Medication has worked for us, and I'd rather not go back to life without it. She's 13 now, and our situation has changed a bit, but I was about where you are 6 years ago.
I'd say give the doctors a try. Your marriage is worth it, and you'll both be better parents as a team than on your own.
P.S. You're from Australia? Cool! Have you heard of Tony Attwood and his work on Asperger's in Australia? I think he's in Brisbane. I'm dying to go see his set-up! I'm from the L.A. area (San Gabriel Valley) and have looked up Aspergers/Autism in California and found lots of centers. I may have done it from the MAAP Services site (maapservices.org) or from the OASIS site. Don't recall. Best of luck to you. Let me know how things work out! Ridersmom

I know someone who was just diagnosed, along with her son, as having a condition in which their senses are so heightened, that many things that sound, look, or feel OK to most people are simply torture for them: wool blankets, having their hair buzzed, loud noises . . . she said that these things make her feel like her brain is turning to liquid. I don't remember the name she said for this condition. Perhaps your son has a diagnosable issue in addition to AS, that would explain the haircutting thing? I don't mean to make you nervous . . . I'm suggesting this because, for me, I'd rather have a name for something than not. Or maybe it IS the AS. Or maybe in addition to AS he's just really squirmy. But if you think his senses might be unusually heightened, it's worth looking into.

Welcome to WP!

Tim