NT Wife--Need Advice on My (Probably) Aspie Husband

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Hello, I am Heidi and I am 32. I've been with my husband Jim for 9 years, married for a little more than 3. He's 4 years younger than I am, and is a student. The AS diagnosis is not official, a psychologist friend gave him a personality test for fun some months ago. He is scoffing at the suggestion, but I am doing what I can to make my marriage work.

The short version:
I need help or advice on the following issues regarding communication--what are the best ways to tell him what I need from him? I end up doing everything with regards to running the household. I'm trying to "implement systems;" he says he wants to help but I don't have plans in place because I was taught to do things as needed. On the other end, how do I ask him questions to get all information I need out of him. He's voluntary with things that frustrate him or make him happy, and tells me or asks me about every purchase he makes ("can I get 5,000 bouncy balls for $30? how about 8 pairs of socks for $20? should I get a sandwich for lunch?"), but on larger life issues, he says nothing. For example, I found out two weeks ago that he planned on leaving school a year early if he got a good job offer (this means relocating to a whole new area within a year). I found out because he was on the phone with someone else. When I confronted him on this because I had no idea, his reply was "well, you didn't ask."

Other communication issues--how do I get him to see that his honesty is not always warranted? In his group of student colleagues, they are used to his bluntness, but a newer group we spend time with is not. I spend a lot of time explaining him to them, and to him why it's not appropriate, without him understanding. This doesn't even go into the things he says to me ("why do you look so ugly today?")

I also guess I just need people to understand me and give me REAL advice. Most people just tell me how I "need to train him" (sorry, he's not a dog or a circus animal) or how he's "just an as*hole." I admitted my troubles to my parents over the weekend, and my stepfather hit me with a barrage of questions. My mother just listened and told me she understood, and that the possibility explained A LOT of his behavior. She's been the only person other than my counselor to give me what I needed. It's like no one gets it for the most part. Sometimes I try to describe it to other people, and I feel like I am overreacting when I say it out loud, but it's so much more! I don't want to be frustrated anymore.

And children--I don't have any, but if any of you do, and have helpful tips or suggestions in deciding, I would greatly appreciate it.

Long version, or back story:

We met when he started working at the same place I did in 2003, and I remember thinking he was sorta cute, but REALLY young. He was interesting to me, because he didn't talk to anyone. I made an effort to talk to him, and show him weird things I found in our inventory. We became friends, but I didn't want to date him because he (a) didn't have a driver's license and (b) wasn't going to college. The following summer, I finished school and had a very hard time with my family and my boyfriend. He was there for me, listened to me when I came to work crying, not judging, and it was sweet and comforting. He was also quite brilliant, I thought, having scored a 1540 on his SAT (in which I yelled at him "What are you doing working here?!") and a voracious reader of books no one I knew read, like The Feynman Lectures. My boyfriend and I broke up, and Jim helped me see him one last time, on his 19th birthday, no less. I was touched by this gentle, quiet, smart guy, and within 6 weeks, I was his girlfriend.

And now, here we are, nearly a decade later, and I am at a loss. I feel like I am losing my mind and myself. What happened in between? The AS possibility has been very recent, and explains A LOT.

Well, it's both of us. I grew up in an abusive household, so being assertive and direct were not my strong points. If he wanted something, or said something that someone NT construe as "mean," I would defer to his request, regardless of how I felt. I had also gained quite a bit of weight at this time, and felt I couldn't "do better" and I was crazy in love with him, anyway. I was also afraid of abandonment, so there was a fear of that. I cannot speak for him, for how he felt about me for all these years or how he feels about me now (aside from what he has told me), but I am sure of my own mistakes and misconceptions in this. In the 6 years before we were married, there was at least 3 instances of inappropriate behavior with other women, the first of which unfolded in front of me ( I TOLD him, as did others, that this girl what trying to get with him, but he did not see it this way, but in 2006 I knew nothing of AS/AT--now it all makes sense). When we moved in together in 2007, we shared an apartment with another couple. Sometimes, Jim would suddenly get an idea that he didn't like something and change it without discussing it with me or our roommates. Once, he decided he didn't like how the woman had our pantry organized, so he took everything off the shelves and put it on the floor. She flipped out, and I spent the next hour explaining to him why he couldn't do things like that and her boyfriend tried to explain that Jim was "an as*hole, but he doesn't mean to be an as*hole"--which is sort of a theme in our relationship.

There was also a lot of other traumatic situations: his father died of cancer in Feb 2007 (the man was his #1 fan) and my BIL was murdered in Feb 2010. We were married in June of 2010, and moved to another state, away from friends and family. Hence, we no longer had buffers. In Feb 2011, he threatened me with divorce because I had a minor facial flaw that was genetic. At this time, I noticed he was always hostile to me in February, especially in the days before or after his father's death date. At that point, I signed up for marriage counseling and started going by myself. We had been married 9 months.

Also in this time, I turned 30 and shortly after, I went through a very private traumatic event, in which he was not exactly as emotionally supportive (and, since it was February, he asked me to a divorce, and wondered why I cried). After that, I focused on my health and was able to get back to my college weight. I started to realize I was an attractive and desirable woman and wondered why I should put up with this kind of treatment. I felt like a housekeeper, cook, fashion accessory, mother, and concubine, but never a full partner, never a wife. In the last year, I've grown more and more frustrated. But, I still loved him. And something wasn't completely right--despite his bad treatment of me, it was never malicious, always matter-of-fact and honest. If I started to cry, he would be confused. To him, he was being logical and rational, so why should I cry if something is true? Why should I be hurt? It's only the truth!

Then, his friend stayed with us in July. His wife is a psychologist and she had done a personality test on Jim when he visited them in January (I stayed behind, for a number of reasons). He came up as being on the high functioning end of AS/AT. I was floored. He had known it all this time, but never bothered to say anything. "It's just a label," he said. "They always need to find something wrong with everybody." But the seed was planted. I started reading everything I could, and it all made sense. I started to understand him more, even though it's still very hard.

In fact, it's so hard, I think it would be easier for me if he was just an as*hole, because then it would be willful and have intent and I could more easily leave. But, he can't help it and I love him, so I am doing the best I can to try and get from him what I need to be a full partner in this marriage. A recent conversation on a trip to our home state revealed that he plans everything, down to which path he takes in the house and he does not understand why other people don't pre-plan all their actions (he labels it "stupid").

I'm working on being more direct and specific with him (the latter is harder than the former, because I can "fill in the blanks"), but it's not easy. Sometimes, I get silly results. Like, I implemented a system last week in dishes--if you make it dirty, you wash it, and after dinner, all the dishes are washed at once. Last night, while I was trying to cook another meal for his lunches, I started to do dinner dishes and realized one was missing. Even though I was clearly overwhelmed (to NT people) with both dinner and cooking dishes, he washed his own plate and fork and put them in the drainer without even noticing the other dishes.

I am on the fence about children, but if I do want them, I am unsure I can have them with him. It would be too much for both of us.

I was in a relationship like that. I was the aspie, though, so was the closed off one. I'm sure I drove the girl I was with crazy and I'm sure I didn't meet all her needs. To my credit, she never told me what her needs were. I was supposed to guess. Sorry. No can do. Some aspie folks have to be told in explicit language what is expected of them, even if it might seem awkward to do so. My traits have lessened as I got older, but they're still there. I can write what I want to say, but speaking out loud often ends up in me saying the wrong thing.

Your husband's behavior is like a leopard's spots. Keeping the lines of communication open always seems the best way to go.

Hi. I can see you are in a lot of pain. I'm sorry.

What are the things you need from him in your marriage? (I'd love to know also, for my own purposes.)

I am a 30 year old female who is married. I have been formally diagnosed with Aspergers and also have some spontaneous speech problems. We have two children (one with AS and one NT). --I say this to give you my "credentials" (life experience) so you know who is speaking to you.

Some things that have been helpful in our marriage:
-time apart. My husband travels for work, so it has been built-in to our lifestyle (likely saving him from some rejection). This helps us in two major ways: 1) provides us each with opportunity to speak in our comfort zones (I communicate more effectively in text form--which is how we communicate when he is away; he communicates more effectively face to face when he is home.) 2) gives me a break from expected intimacy, as I get very overwhelmed with touch at times
-hiring a maid to come weekly. I am very easily overwhelmed with taking care of the house. I like to do it, but as my husband might say I have difficulty prioritizing tasks. So, I may experience working very hard for hours a day and he may experience the house being a mess. Both of these things can be true at the same time. Hiring a maid to help out has eased this burden for both of us.

I love that you said you did not want to just give into the idea that he is simply an a$$hole or that you need to train him. I can't tell you how much I admire that. (Please do keep your eyes open and realize when he is genuinely being abusive though). Disliking the training type of talk and the name-calling has been a major reason why I feel that I do not fit in with my peers. It seems that most female get-togethers are dominated by these conversation topics.

Have you ever looked into conflict resolution skills? There are many books out there, but I have found them useful for dealing with any type of conflict. My favorite is "Nonviolent Communication", by Marshall Rosenberg. (I now consider myself to be excellent on conflict resolution when there is a major conflict, but still quite terrible at everyday interactions.)

One thing that has been very helpful for me in our marriage is that my husband will sometimes tell me (or text me) things about me that he really likes. I often suffer self-esteem blows because much of life is very difficult for me. Hearing that my husband likes my "extreme focus" and how he's sure that if he ever caught some terrible disease, I'd quickly know everything there is to know about it...makes me feel good about myself and reminds me that I am a likable human being.

We have children, but I am uncertain what information I can give you to help in that area. But, I'd be happy to answer any more specific questions.

Sorry this is so long. You covered a lot, so I am responding with a lot.

I am an Aspie man and married.

I was diagnosed at age 40 after 3 years of marriage. I am now 44. My wife is 13 years my senior.

It is easy to commit to a person. It is far harder to commit to a marriage. They are NOT the same.

Aspies need stability to function; particularly to function socially. Being wishy washy about your marriage 9 years in, makes things worse. Poop or get off the pot. Nothing else will work with an Aspie spouse.

If you decide to commit, the road is hard, and twisty and fraught with cliffs and pitfalls. Like most hard roads, it will take you to the highest heights and the lowest lows. Marriage to an Aspie is not typical and is not for wimps. In my experience, courage pays the biggest rewards.

Arm yourself with information.
http://www.amazon.com/Things-Woman-Must ... +aspergers

It is short and worth it. Get him to read this book. It will give him some insight into what your experience is like. It is likely that printed words are better understood by him than spoken words with the distractions of inflection, eye contact and emotion. All that extra stuff NTs do to better communicate, makes communication difficult if not impossible with us.

Don't expect him to get much out of a marriage counselor. It puts him in a social group with two other people. It's not that he isn't listening. You and the counselor are speaking a foreign language and the meaning is lost in the translation. Put this stressful stuff in writing so he can process it in solitude and ask questions later.

I also recommend http://www.amazon.com/The-Complete-Guid ... s+syndrome. It is longer, more in depth and is written mostly for him so he can figure out a 'Rosetta Stone' to better deal with other people.

A couple of other points, Aspies are different in social settings than not. We are particularly different around groups. I need an escape from groups. I cannot maintain in a group for very long at all. In a group of 2 or 3 people I can maintain for a few hours at most so long as the topics are not too personal. Increase that to 8 or 10 people and I am late for the door in 30 minutes. This is not because I am afraid for me. It is because I am afraid for you. Me embarrassing myself is inevitable and I have learned to live with it. The threat of embarrassing you in front of an important peer group MASSIVELY increases my stress and almost assures that I will melt down or withdraw.

Aspies need quiet private time in solitude. We need a place where we will not be interrupted. Period. Unless the house is burning down, when I am in my safe zone, leave me the heck alone. Anything you do, anything you say will only REQUIRE that I spend more time in solitude. Come in to rub my shoulders or yell at me about a bill and I am gonna need another 20 minutes to recover. The topic is irrelevant. The person is irrelevant. If I am not secure in my safety zone in my own home, I will have to vent the frustration that causes in solitude.

After any type of social stress, including time with you, he will likely need some relief. NTs get relief through contact and closeness and emotional sharing. He can provide that. However, contact and closeness don't relieve his stress. Social contact like that will likely stress him out. He will need solitude to recover from his time with you. The fact that he spends time trying to provide for your needs is a supreme compliment and an investment in your marriage that cost him dearly. Do not begrudge him his solitude. Nothing will cause him to resent you faster.

Help him find his triggers. Every day I would come home from work seething. I was commuting 70 miles one-way, daily over a 7,000 ft mountain pass to a high stress, technical job in the city. Was it the job, yes but no. The drive, yes but no. The trigger was hunger for me. The stress of the job and the commute weren't enough without a trigger. When I am hungry, it doesn't take much stress to set me off. The FRUSTRATION of hunger is my key trigger on a daily basis. Don't get me started on cops or the IRS when I am hungry.

I never saw this. I was just too close. My wife figured it out after a year. Now I rarely melt down and I am FAR more pleasant when I come home. I keep an apple at my desk and when I feel anger, I stop and eat something. It doesn't matter what so long as it takes the gnawing pain and distraction of hunger away.

I can't cope intuitively. I do not have that mechanism. I cope by concentrating on the task at hand. My brain needs fuel. Without good fuel to the brain, I can't concentrate. If I can't concentrate, I can't cope with social situations.

Have a support group. You will need friends to hang out with and blow off steam without him.

Exercise, BOTH OF YOU. It is critical for his ability to mitigate meltdowns and handle frustration and running (my thing) will give him some solitude time even when you run with him. Distance running is the most lonely thing you can do in group. It is fantastic for your mental, physical and emotional well being.

If I were to have kids, the chances that they too will be autistic is very high (> 50% from what I have read on the topic). I have no ability to relate to an emotional child because emotionally I am a child. Times have changed. It is possible to rear an autistic boy and prevent some of the hardships I endured as a child. Still, some of those hardships will exist as an adult. An autistic will have to face down the bullies someday. IMO the younger the better for the kid. Childhood was hard for me. I became a VERY hard man by 15. I joined the military to kill bullies and I was good enough at it to go airborne infantry and sniper team.

If childhood hadn't been extremely hard for me as an autistic boy I wouldn't be nearly as capable an autistic man as I am today.

Still, I don't want any child to be so jaded and hardened by school that he becomes a hard man and an efficient killer of bullies. I want better for our future. Me having children or being responsible for the emotional well being of a child is, to me, a reprehensible act.

I will never have children. Others on this site had better luck.

My wife is one of my special interests. So long as I am alive and able she will be cared for and loved like no other human has ever loved and cared for her before. Yes, there are low lows, but the peaks are plenty, tall and the view can't be beat on a good day. At this point, it is she and I against the world and I wouldn't have it any other way and if you ask her (as I do), she will tell you the same.

Welcome to WP.

Butterfly, that was a beautiful post.

I am guilty of this, especially before the AS possibility. It is still difficult for me to verbalize what I need emotionally, but I am working on it. A lot of my own personal issues come from growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive household where you didn't dare voice any opinion or feeling, especially negative ones.

Thank you, I will keep that in mind!



Mostly, it's help around the house. When we first moved to CNY, I was unemployed and had nothing else better to do. Now, I work full-time. I know he is capable; before we moved away, he would vacuum once a week, at least, because he didn't like the feel of the dirt in the carpet on his bare feet. He has mentioned hiring a maid once we get a house, but right now, we have a small apartment. He also is good about taking out the trash, because by his own admission, the pickup being the same day is a "system."
Other chores include:
-dishes (I have gotten him to wash his own, but it'd be nice if he did the cooking dishes more often)
-floor cleaning, whether vacuum or mop
-laundry--I can sort and wash, but it'd be nice if he hung up stuff to dry or folded more often than he does (once every 6 months)
-some cooking (I enjoy cooking meals, it's relaxing, but I get really upset when he gets critical or complains about what I cook for him, especially when I always let him decide what we are eating. For example, I cooked his lunch on Tuesday night, using a black bean recipe he requested I make. He came home Wednesday at 730pm saying he couldn't eat it, could I make a different recipe. Because of the prep of beans, I was up an extra hour than I wanted to be. This morning, he messaged me that I overcooked them and they were awful and to make him another lunch tonight. I won't tell you my two word reply, but it wasn't nice. He could not understand that I was upset that I used precious time and resources to make him two meals that he requested, and subsequently didn't like).
-Mail sorting and bills
-Grocery shopping (we used to go together years ago, but now, since I've been doing it myself for 3 years, I can't take him. His impulse control is too poor and we end up spending $40 extra dollars on junk food)
-Proactive: in this, I mean for him not to undo my work. Like, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, not putting a dirty dish in the sink after I just washed everything, scattering brownie crumbs all over a clean floor, shaving stubble all over a sink). It makes me feel like my efforts are not appreciated or worthless, because he's so quick to "undo" them.

I need this kind of help, because I find I spend all my energy and free time creating a comfortable and clean living space, and never have the energy or time to do my own hobbies, all while he's sitting there playing video games remotely, or some other project. Some people can work on their hobbies with a dirty house, but my experience is if I leave it and just "do what I want," the space only gets dirtier and more disorganized to the point I am spending double the time on it. Having an extremely disorganized space makes me anxious, too. Also, in my upbringing, it was pounded into my head to do a chore "if it needed doing," so implementing a set system is foreign to me. But, I will figure out a way to do it, if need be.

Other needs, the emotional stuff. When I have a bad day, or a series of unpleasant things happen or negative emotions, I tell him, and I either need him just to listen or to give me a hug and go "there, there, it'll be okay." Usually, I get a lecture or suggestions on what I need to do to improve (at worst) or a "uh huh" (at best). It feels weird to say "I need you to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay" but if I have to do it, then I will. Knowing him, he'll probably say "That would be lying."

I do need affection, and we're making strides with that. He's better with the physical affection privately than he used to be, and he usually asks me if I need it. Kissing needs work. He hasn't really kissed me "proper" in 8 years, but the other night he came on full force with it, and I was a bit stunned and overwhelmed by it, since I wasn't expecting that from him.



I noticed this, too, with Jim. We use facebook chat extensively. Earlier marriage advice books told me this was an "avoidance tactic," and I tried not to use it as much, and found that he wouldn't communicate the same way with me, so I reverted (a good thing, as it turns out!)

He travels for school and hates it; I like to travel. I've taken short trips without him already, and I actually enjoy it more than when we travel together (his anxiety keeps me from enjoying myself and sometimes prevents me from doing anything because he gets all worked up about spending money).



Thank you! I just always felt it was unfair, because it didn't seem right! He was always honest and consistent, and I liked that about him. Though, I didn't like it when it came off "mean," like when he asked my best friend why she had hairy arms.



I have not, but I will, especially since I seem to have communication issues of my own when it comes to conflict. It was always "easier" for me not to speak up or defer to him, but that no longer works for me or us. I am becoming to resentful and there is no need for that.



I have noticed he responds better to me if I tell him things in writing. I am sorry that life is difficult for you--it seems like that it is for most AS people. Jim is one of the few and the rare that have self-esteem issues, in that it is too high! His mother had given up on ever having a child when she became pregnant with him (his parents had only been dating two months when she got pregnant, she was 36 when he was born) and he was the only child his father got to see grow up (the first wife refused to let him see his other children). So, he grew up his mother's world and the sun rose and set on him as far as his father was concerned. He is very confident, sometimes bordering on arrogant, but for the most part he is sound in his abilities.

I like the "extreme focus" quite a bit, too! It's very helpful when shopping for a new product, whether it be a car or a moisturizer (he once chastised me for using one that apparently had a skin-damaging agent [oxybenzone], and was shocked I didn't research it before I bought it--this was before any suggestion of AS). It's also very good when he is doing his research for school or other work (he is a very steady and reliable employee--I should know, we worked together for 5 years). Though, it's not so good when he focuses in on a body part, like he did with my double chin (a trait from my father's side--has nothing to do with weight). He zeroed in on it and would not let up until I agreed to have it removed. I wasn't happy about it at the time, but in retrospect, I am satisfied with the results.




Mostly, how did you feel about the sudden change in your world. I know there is really no routine when it comes to young children. How were you able to cope with that?

My personal concern is having a small child, or two, and having to do all the work I already do on top of that. I know in my own family, there have been cases of post-partum depression, and I'm afraid I would not get the help taking care of the children, the home, or myself coming out of him. I'm afraid I'll be that haggard, overworked wife trying to take care of all the things, while he's playing video games and asking me why I am so fat and ugly. I guess there is the small fear of having an AS child, but not in the way you would think--I wouldn't be afraid of handling them, I'd be afraid how how the husband and the child would handle each other. Or as I've read "Rigid Object meets Explosive Object."

There is love in our marriage. I "know" he loves me, even if I don't always see examples NT's tend to expect. I asked him recently if he loved me and he said "I married you when you were fat!" And other things, like the careful research into things that I need or things that he thinks would help me, even though they don't necessarily work for me (ie--I needed to buy clothes, and though I needed to approach it like he does, not realizing women's clothes are not made and sold like men's clothes are).

The first sentence is hard for people who have never been married to understand, if you had said it to me before we got married and moved away, I would have nothing really to frame it into. It's one of those things you don't get until after it's happened.

I've only learned of the AS in mid-July, so this aspect to our relationship is really new to me. When we married, I was different in many ways (overweight, low self esteem) and I spent quite a bit of time away from him. Weekends I usually spent with his family who I am close to or with my reenacting group. We moved 6 hours away, and I no longer had those buffers. After my issue nearly two years ago, the weight loss, and realizing my own value and potential, as a person and a spouse. I wanted more than I had been happy with on that hot day in June 2010. Until the knowledge of AS, I was actually contemplating setting up my own account and leaving him, even though I loved and adored him. So, in a way, I am thankful for it, as frustrating as it can be for an NT. It let me know that he does care, it's just that he's different from how I expect.



I already figured this out a long time ago. Sometimes I could tell straightaway, other times he'd stay "don't bother me right now!" and I'd go in another room to do something else (though, earlier in the relationship, I took it as rejection).

Hunger and too many people are usually make him cranky, something else I discovered long ago. I usually make sure food is ready when he gets home (if I am home earlier than him, which is rare). He is comfortable when socializing with his colleagues, but not family or "others." This is better than before we were married, when he never went anywhere ever. He needs time to go off on his own, and sometimes I don't even bother taking him with me. I guess it's a blessing for us both that I don't need him by my side at all times. I always let him know of family functions weeks ahead of time and give him an out. It seems he's better when he has time to prepare.



I do, he refuses. His logic is thin=healthy, and he is thin. Because he needs to walk a lot, he is healthier than when we lived back home. His meltdowns are few and far between. I can think of about 6--most of them medically/illness related, his last one when we bought a car that he insisted we needed (we got home and he freaked out; it was very, very weird to me at the time).



I am a bit jealous of your wife--I am not so special in his world, I think, but I know he does love me in his own way and relies heavily on the services I render. We had a chilling conversation in which he said it was good I was so independent (well, not completely financially), and if I left he would need to find someone to cook for him. He has said to his mother that he can't imagine being married to anyone else (though my best friend said that was because I was the only person who puts up with his "crap").

Thank you! And thank you for the book recommendations! I was wondering about the 22 things a Woman Should Know book, and will take your advice on both.

Having a routine with small children is often recommended for any family! It does not have to be strict (truthfully, I do have trouble when we are "off" on our routines, but it is good practice for me to work on flexibility and to model it for my AS son). Most children generally thrive on routine. Having children honestly gave us some very real consequences for not following through with a routine (usually whiny children ) which has ended up being useful for me as I've always done best with a routine but often lacked the motivation to continue it through low energy times.

I don't want to make that sound as if things became easier when we had kids. That is absolutely not true. Having kids made life more difficult, but more meaningful.

Having an AS son has actually been great for me. And I believe I am a good mother for him. He can benefit from the extensive people-figuring out I've been working on my whole life. It is easy for me to communicate in a way he understands. I believe many of the negative sides to AS have been minimized because he has a mom who gets him--completely. I wish I had that growing up.

It has always been more difficult for me to connect with my NT daughter. We find activities we enjoy together and she coaches me on how to "play" with her. I make an effort to spend at least 10 minutes a day doing something she enjoys with just her. I bet that'd be funny from an outsiders view! The other day she asked me to play "castle" with her and she said, "it's okay if you don't know how. I will show you." She handed me a plastic horse and said, "this is you.". She held hers and said, "this is me. This is the mommy horse. You can touch her, she's soft. Ok. That's enough.". And then we spent some time lining up all of the horses so they could "go to school". (The lining up, I'm certain, she does from my son and I modeling this. She's very NT, but life in a family with AS and NT members is always unique!)

It does sound like, as is right now, you would probably not get enough help with a baby/child as you'd need. I would never recommend expecting change to happen just because you get pregnant. But, perhaps if you both work at it, and if you will be able to get outside help (regular parents need this too!), it will be just great.

Sorry about the poop and pot line. I did not mean to sound so harsh

I have now eaten dinner. This will be shorter and not so harsh.

We always had a rule, again my insistence, that whoever cooks, the other does the dishes. I set this up during courtship. I believe that couples who work on and accomplish tasks together will function as a whole better. It is my own theory. It has been fun.

After I read the 22 things book, I asked my wife (who is a first class baker and cook) if I could help out cooking in the kitchen.

I am not half the cook she is, but, I now do dinner on Thursdays and now I have a grill.

The key for me is to be useful. She knows this because I told her my key.

She is female. She has 'wiles'. She has a wisdom about her that leverages my way of thinking and sense of loyalty and justice to enhance our lives together. I am bright enough to know that I am being played. I am also bright enough to know that the music is beautiful. This is why I married her.

From what I have read here, I think you two need a plan to grow together. If you accomplish things together you will grow together. People always grow. It is inevitable. Grow together or grow apart.

My wife and I fish the high country in Colorado. We do other things together as well but we go to lakes that are hard to get to, quiet, deep and surrounded by trees at 9,000 - 10,000 ft above sea level. The country is harsh and cold and absolutely breath taking. You have to prepare, and you have to depend on the person you are with.

It's odd but it bonds us. There is something out there that will work for you, too. You just need to find it and build from it.

Be wiley.

Be feminine and exploit his uber-masculine (all I need a cook bravado) and make beautiful music together.

No need to be sorry! I'm used to this sort of "harshness" and it's easy to come to this conclusion without the whole story.

And dinner always makes everyone happier.

Thanks to both of you on your advice; it is very helpful and has got me to remember the better aspects of our relationship. I realize that I have a long, hard road ahead, because he is refusing diagnosis and otherwise very, very rigid.

If I can get through to him and be able to work systems with him, I think we'll all be happier.

I have problems with communication, and hearing, apd, it's sometimes easier to write, sometimes impossible to put into words, my girlfriend is as much in the blue as I am in the red, along the edge of the circle, often when I see something that relates to me, I show it to her to help her understand me, she can get just as frustrated, she wants to know what I am feeling and I can't put it into words which frustrates me, I don't think I am affectionate,

I don't understand or express feelings / emotions as an nt would.

I don't feel pain the way most people do which concerns both of us in the event of a meltdown. Sometimes there are warning signs, and she can help minimize it.

I need to focus on 1 thing at a time, otherwise I get overwhelmed, some of our friends are aspie or aspie like, that makes it easier in a way, as they have meltdowns too, and other similar traits that don't alienate us as much as it would in an nt group. Her background allows her to deal with or possibly understand us.

I can be blunt, if you can't handle the answer don't ask the question,

Don't ask me how you look, I don't care much about appearance, don't quite understand why people are OCD like with appearance. Don't usually notice changes,

It's getting late, I can't write everything the way I see it, Everyone is different, what works for some May not work for others, reading aspie posts and looking up aspie traits or symptoms may be of help, it helps me understand myself better, and sometimes gives me a way to help others understand me.

I don't like arguing, and will do my best to avoid it, most of our friends constantly argue in their relationships, for some odd reason I seem to be able to help them at times, and am often asked advice, it usually seems people need alone time, even with the nt's.

Hopefully some of this May help you understand him,

Heidi,

Your post touched me. I am new here too (first pist!) and I'm dealing with the same issues. I've been struggling in my marriage for ten years and have only now realized my husband probably has Asperger's. All of the symptoms fot and nothing else makes sense. I understand your frustration about trying to get through to him, trying to find more effective ways to communicate, etc. I've nearly worn myself out saying things this way and that in the hope they will "get through," but it never works. I often find myself saying things over and over because I get no feedback, only to have him tell me he's tired of hearing it over and over. Apparently he thinks I can read his mind.

My husband has shown no more interest in learning to communicate than he has shown in any other social area. We are now hermits, and I mean that almost literally. We have no friends or family. I did get him to cou seling a couple of times, but he learned a few buzzwords and used them as weapons, and that was it.

I've done a lot of work on myself for a very long time (I'm nearly 60) and I know I am an excellent communicator. I have tried everything I can think of, but nothing works. What that teaches me is that establishing communication is not within my power. Most of the time I'd be better off talking to a tree. What I'm saying is that it isn't productive to beat yourself up wondering what else you could do, because a lot of the time it's not about you.

What is true of any disease model is that the person with the disease either will get help or he won't. My conclusion is that anyone who hasn't cared enough to seek meaningful ehlp for an obviously serious problem (if nothi g else, he sure knows how upset I am) isn't likely to seek help at all period. That leaves me to decide what I need and how to get those needs met.