Hello
I'm new here, this is my first post.
I'm 33. As in the title, at the moment I'm living some sort of "proper" life, which means that I live with my girlfriend, and we have 1 year old doughter. From quite a time I'm succesfull in what I do professionally (I'm doing niche stuff between art, music and technology, not very profitable, but earns me a living, and I still develop).
However, all of this - I suppose - was possible only becouse I started a psychotheraphy in 2004, addressing my general "shyness", low self-esteem, not being succesful with girls, not being independent emotionally from my mother etc.. I've put maximu effort int it and somehow I managed to pursue some of my goals, and I started to accept challenges and push my life forward, even though I felt discomfort quite frequently.
I just recently realised that I might have asperger's syndrome. I don't have any official diagnosis. However, few weeks ago I did the AQ test and I got something around 32 points. First I thought this might be because all my emotional issues like depressions, low self esteem and stuff. But after some time I came back to the test, than I did some more tests, than I started to read about asperger's and it all started to fall in place... Bullying at shool, difficulty in accepting any remarks and criticism, desperate need to have safe place in which I can be alone and control the situation and stimuli, and all sort of this "typical: stuff.
At the same time, I've learned to go over some social issues, and I;mbe quite comfortable among people, to some degree - providing I have the possibility to withdrawn when I feel the need and stay on my own for some time.
And here's where It became difficult recently - my daughter was born,and after a lonely but controllable period of living on my own, I again have to deal with the situation of too little "personal space". Of course we are sharing the duties with my girlfriend, it's something like 50/50 deal- I'm spending a lot of time taking care of my doughter from the very beginning. But I'm really exhausted, and by the end of the day when my doughter is asleep I dont want to see anybody, and at the same moment my girlfriend wants to spend time alone with me.
It's like every day I'm only living on the hope that soon I'll have some time for myself (a day or a few), that I could wake up alone and do things slowly, and don't have do the small talks with my girl and make decisions about what I want for dinner the next day... She's expecting me to act in a certain, "normal" way, and it's exhausting. Before I was able to hold that social act when I was around people, and be myself while at home, but now I actually have to act all the time, otherwise, she's getting upset. I could undestand that she;s dissapointed or feels lonely, but it's just too much for me most of the time...
Sorry, it;s getting long for the forst post, so I'll maybe just stop here.
Anyway, I guess I might be on the spectrum, I'm notu sure what I'm expectring from the diagnosis, maybe it will be just a relief for me - thet all that struggle is not becouse I'm lazy, or I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm egocentric... And maybe it will be some kind of argument that will make my girlfriend consider the situation from a different point of viev...
12 Nov 2013, 8:44 pm
