Hello! First post from a possible Aspie

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Hi, I’m Rain. I’m 29 and female. I have visited this forum before, when I first began researching ASDs a few months ago, but this is my first time posting. I almost never join online forums, but I am hoping I can find some answers here.

Like many people, for most of my life I had a fairly narrow understanding of autism and related disorders, and I always thought I couldn’t have Asperger’s because I am able to read facial expressions and body language, relate to others emotionally, and other things I thought Aspies “couldn’t” do. I began to rethink that assumption when I had a moment of crisis where I felt I just had to figure out what was wrong with me (I have these a lot) and began to investigate for the first time what Aspie women are really like. In particular, Rudy Simone’s book Aspergirls helped me to see that many of my assumptions were based on both misinformation and male Aspie stereotypes. I read many lists and descriptions of traits, and the vast majority of them seemed to apply to me, often unsettlingly so. I also took the AQ test online and scored a 39 out of 50.

I haven’t quite decided what to do with this information. I go back and forth between really embracing the idea that this might be an answer to why I have always felt so different and convincing myself that I have made the whole thing up as an excuse for my personal inadequacies. I am such a chameleon and so unsure of what I really feel and believe most of the time that I am becoming suspicious of my own thoughts and behaviors. I don’t know if I’m exaggerating or overestimating my Aspie traits because I want to be Aspie rather than because I am. I also don’t know if I really want a diagnosis, official or otherwise. I don’t know if I would be relieved to have my answer and not have to feel guilty anymore or depressed that it’s not something I can fix. I also don’t know how official it would have to be before the nagging feeling that I’m making it up would go away.

Here is a little bit about how I feel some Aspie traits relate to me:

Social and communication issues: For a long time I chalked up my sometimes debilitating social awkwardness to “social anxiety,” but I never felt it really fit. I read something recently that compared the two this way: in social situations, the person with social anxiety is like someone who knows how to build a house but is worried people will laugh at it, not like it, or not want to come visit, whereas the person with Asperger’s doesn’t know how to use a hammer, drill, and saw. This describes me to a tee. I’m not anxious at all around my family and close friends because I know exactly the scripts to follow to relate to them, and I know they’re not going to say or do anything too unexpected; with anyone else, it’s not the fear that they will laugh at me or not like me that terrifies me, it’s simply the number of variables in the equation. Where to stand, what to say, how to say it, what they’ll say – there’s no way for me to prepare for all those unknowns, and it’s completely mentally exhausting for me. I also don’t usually make eye contact when I’m talking, especially about something important or personal, not necessarily because it makes me uncomfortable but because my eyes have to be able to move to find and trace patterns (in furniture, walls, etc.) in order for me to stay calm and focused.

Restricted/repetitive interests and behaviors: I get obsessed with things. I can’t not research whatever is the current object of my interest, and I keep researching it until I get overwhelmed and subsequently obsessed with something else. I’m not great at math, but I love numbers and science and anything that can be understood systematically. I love knowing impossibly complicated things like quantum physics exist in the world even if I will never be able to understand them. I am good with words and wanted to be a fiction writer before I realized I’m not creative enough. People think I’m creative, but they don’t realize I’m really just synthesizing and combining bits of many different things I’ve read, seen, and heard. I don’t have original ideas, and it’s hard for me to visualize characters and settings; they, too, tend to be cobbled together from other sources. I’ve also been told that the way my characters speak and interact is unrealistic, though it seems realistic to me. I am a good editor, though; I edit mostly academic papers through an online marketplace, and many of my clients have said I’m the best editor they’ve ever worked with. The weird thing is I don’t try to be good at it. I just go into a different space when I edit; it’s like something switches on in my head and I just know how things should look and sound even if I don’t fully understand the content of the material I’m editing. If my boyfriend interrupts me when I’m working, he always says I look and sound annoyed, but I’m not; my social, emotional, human side is just sort of switched off for the moment.

Coordination: I’m fairly clumsy. I don’t know if other people notice; I don’t knock things over or break things very often, but I do tend to misjudge where doors are a lot, and I often have bruises from hitting doors or furniture without even noticing it at the time. Also, I have this habit of putting things down wherever I happen to be when something else catches my attention, and then I have no idea where I left them. I am constantly losing my glasses, phone, keys, and wallet, and my boyfriend usually finds them before I do.

There’s a lot more I could say, but this introductory post is already a lot longer than I intended for it to be, so I’ll stop here. If you’ve actually read this whole thing, thank you very much for taking the time. I never know how to end things like this, so… the end!

Hi! Nice to meet you. I'm Steve.

I read your post, and I have a lot of the same feelings, traits, etc. I think just knowing there's something that actually describes how odd I've been my whole life (without even a diagnosis) is comfort in and of itself.

Hi, Steve! It's nice to meet you too. I agree with you that the idea that there's an explanation is comforting. I'm just paranoid that I might be imagining it fits me better than it does. I feel so abnormal compared to most "normal" (NT) people, yet when I read about AS I always end up thinking "I'm way too normal for that." I can carry on normal conversations, I have what I think are normal emotions (though I can switch very quickly between states of intense emotion and complete emotionlessness, which has always confused me), I have a good sense of humor, I don't have problems with facial recognition, etc.

I know everyone is different and I don't have to show every single trait to still fit the general description, but I guess I still feel like I would need to seem more "odd" in order to "qualify" as anything more than slightly eccentric. Especially to other people, I think I project a very normal facade; I have just always felt like I'm lying when I do. I think at some level I've convinced myself that everyone else is lying, too; it's hard for me to really understand that other people are not following scripts in their heads, planning what to say before they say it, and asking themselves "what would a human being do next?" in order to conduct social interactions.

I don't know. I guess I'm just so used to feeling bad about myself because I can't be like other people that I'm almost afraid of the idea that there's a logical explanation and it's really never been my fault. It would reframe my whole understanding of myself and my past, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. More importantly, I've known enough oblivious people in my life that I've developed this deep fear of being oblivious to how I come across to others, and I would hate more than anything to accept the fact that I have AS only to find out that it really doesn't describe me at all and I was just deluding myself because I liked the idea of having an answer.

...I talk a lot.

Welcome to WP! I can relate to a lot of what you described. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but.. like you, I can read facial expressions pretty well (body language is hit or miss for me), and yet I struggle to navigate a lot of social situations. No eye contact...staring at patterns and such in order to focus...not always knowing what to say or do...yep, yep, and yep. Heck, you're even an editor? Glad to see another wordsmith here.

I don't know if you'll find all your answers here, but it's a pretty welcoming community and hopefully you'll feel at home here, regardless of your diagnostic status.

Thank you for your kind welcome, Nick! It is encouraging to know that there are real human people out there who have had experiences similar to mine. I find it especially interesting that you also use patterns to focus, since I have never met anyone who does that or even understands what I'm talking about when I try to explain it. Whenever I'm trying to express complex thoughts in words, I always find myself mentally tracing, connecting, and rearranging the lines and shapes of whatever I happen to be looking at; the only time I'm able to not do it is if the room is completely dark. If the person I'm talking to asks me to look at them, I can for about ten seconds, and then I have to find patterns again or my thought process stops.

Social situations have always been difficult for me as well, especially since my preteen years; I think I do pretty well with reading faces and body language, especially in familiar settings, but I absolutely hate interacting with strangers in unfamiliar environments, and talking to them on the phone is even worse. I will do literally anything to avoid having to make a phone call when I don't know ahead of time exactly who will answer, what they will say, and how I will be expected to respond. Going somewhere I've never been also majorly stresses me out, largely because I can't predict what the physical space will be like. But I digress.

I've been an editor since I was a kid, I just didn't realize it until about halfway through college. Since I don't have original ideas, the idea of composing something from scratch can be overwhelming to me (though I have written a ton of poetry and (mostly unfinished) fiction, especially as a teenager, and still dabble occasionally), but I can make someone else's writing shine like a boss. I was lucky enough to be homeschooled with really fastidious, no-nonsense grammar textbooks that nurtured my love of systems and made language feel like a safe place where I know the rules and what's expected of me. I'm even luckier now that I'm in a position to work from my computer at home putting that skill to use.

Thanks again to both of you for your replies.