I've been an infrequent lurker for a while, but reaching a point where I think actively touching base with a professional regarding an official diagnosis wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. I'm another middle-aged guy, high-IQ, dramatically underacheiving, but usually successful enough and getting by well enough that "So, what are you complaining about? Other people have a harder time of it." -- Is fair to the point that I've repeatedly talked myself out of going further than self-diagnostic suspicion.
For most of my adult life, I figured I was doing fine and not having major social problems by merit of my ability to avoid being social. Living alone, getting along with co-workers, but having no friends, no romantic involvements... that was pretty much my 'Doing Fine', which I reflectively suppose was avoidance.
I still have my flavor of the month special interests (I'm a completely ridiculous researcher... if something catches my interest, I can read and store an embarrasingly obsessive amount of information in a short time...), but -- Interrupt myself for a second: Does anyone do this kind of.. I guess it's projecting: Ever accidentally offend someone over THEIR professed interests? Someone expresses an interest, BAM, it's an opening... Ask a bunch of questions, because Get People Talking About Their Interests is something I can get behind as a Social Skill. Then, I pretty quickly get annoyed and intellectually I can SEE how rude it's getting, but.. Come on! How is it a person doesn't know EVERY LITTLE NUANCED DETAIL about their OWN interests? (Ha ha. I now realize that for many people, 'Interest' has an entirely different degree of intensity than I immediatley think.)
Where was I? Oh, right. My lifelong obsessions are pretty few...
Martial Arts (Though my joints are giving out a bit on me, thanks to some degenerative tendon/autoimmune issues)
Music (Particularly writing and performing, which gave me fits... still does. Twenty years of performance and I still have to have a panic attack before a show.)
Storytelling (I wasn't sure what to call this... Movies, TV, books, comics, video games. A well-told immersive narrative, worldbuilding... it's all connected)
Simulations (Started with damn near memorizing the 1985 strat-o-matic baseball set, never looked back)
So, the social problems are pretty easy to talk about. I don't really understand it, but most people seem to find me likeable. I'm considered polite, kind, so on... But I make no lasting friendships, and almost inevitably alienate people. Over the years, I'm sure this became a reciprocal thing. I hold people at length because I already know it's going to go poorly, they sense that aloofness, circle circle circle. I won't go too in-depth with that at this point.
Instead, something more embarassing and uncomfortable to me. I am, as they say, a Grown Ass Man. My stress response, usually in relation to social stressors... particularly ones I can't escape from, almost inevitably spiral down to self-harming behaviors. I'm a head-banger, finger biter, hair puller, clawing at my arms, etc. It's pretty absurd... By that, I guess I mean I can't really justify it to myself, if that makes sense. I have no rationalization as to why it seems like a good idea. At the time, I guess it feels like the other options involve screaming, breaking things, etc... (I've gotten a couple of boxer's fractures over the years punching the floor) Maybe it's a way to diffuse aggression, maybe it's a way to just 'Make It Stop' because pain can pull me out of my own head. I keep kind of thinking that if I'd just understand the mechanism, I'd find the trick to not go down that road, next time.
To leave off a bit more lighthearted, but still in the 'embarassing' vein -- I do weird crap with my hands. Not the stereotypal flapping per se, but a lot of contorting and rhythmic movements (Rotating, tapping, always finger-drumming, etc.). I'll still catch myself just walking around work doing that kind of thing, and it annoys me to think I've been walking around the building flashing twitchy non-existent gang signs to nobody in particular. I think people's "politeness" can be a detriment. Life could get easier if people would just poke me and say, "Hey, quit doing that."
So, that's all for now. Hi.
29 Nov 2013, 1:05 pm
