Hi there, my name is Grant, I’m 24 years old (though most people still think I’m at school because I look so young, lol) and I’ve recently been diagnosed with Aspergers and Depression. I also have Dyspraxia. I am a musician (I record my own albums and sell them locally) and I’m a published poet, although everyone I know just thinks I’m “weird”. I’m really hoping to be able to cope with my conditions by talking to you all, and reading your experiences. Firstly, here’s a little back story about me (sorry if I end up writing loads, I often can’t help but ramble, lol).
Ever since I was little I have felt like I was strange. At school I was picked on for being short, for being skinny, for having interests that were different to everybody else’s. Basically, everything about me was a reason for people to treat me badly. The bullying intensified over the years, and at one point during high school a classmate told me “Grant, you are a F’in ret*d. You are holding the whole class back. No, the whole school back. Why don’t you kill yourself? Make everyone happy. Don’t bother coming to school tomorrow, just kill yourself.” This confirmed to me what I had thought to myself for years-that I was useless, no one liked me, I didn’t belong in this world. I rarely told the teachers that I was being bullied, because a lot of them thought I was strange as well, so I didn’t feel they would help.
My attention would often wander during lessons, especially ones I had no interest in, and I would daydream a lot. Even if I tried to concentrate, my mind would still lose focus on what the teacher was saying. I would often draw comics or write stories when I was supposed to be working, not because I was trying to be rebellious, but because I did not understand the work and because it didn’t hold my interest.
I was always very disorganized, my work would all be mixed up, and my handwriting was totally illegible. I was very slow at doing my work, even if I had a really good answer to a question, it would take me ages to transfer the knowledge from my mind to paper.
Sometimes I think I deserve all the hate and scorn, because I’m so strange and because of the mistakes I have made in my life. I would often cry myself to sleep and pray that I would not wake up. Over the years as I have become more embittered, I just feel hollow, like I want to let my emotions out but they stay locked up. I still get crying spells infrequently. All of my feelings and desires seem to contradict each other. I really want to kill myself, but I am terrified of death. I want someone to love me but I don’t want to open up in case I get ridiculed. I want to become someone, but I think I am nothing.
I have a lot of difficulty sleeping at night and concentrating on things mostly because I can’t stop over thinking everything. If there is a problem, even if I can’t do anything about it at that time, I will keep playing it over in my head over and over, and if I have other problems I keep thinking about them constantly as well. It drives me mad, it’s like a load of radio stations being played in my head that I can’t shut off, and it really affects my ability to focus.
I find it really hard to relate to others, and I get panicky when meeting new people and being around too many. A few years ago, I used to go to parties arranged by my brother and his friends, but it was all too much for me. I hated the noise and the amount of people there, and I would end up sitting in a corner or in a separate room, feeling terrible for no reason. I soon stopped going to any sort of social gathering as I it just made me feel bad, and I didn’t know how to enjoy myself. I am sensitive to very loud and high-pitched noises, especially sudden ones. Things like fire alarms, police and ambulance sirens etc. that don’t seem to bother others too much are really distressing and painful to me.
I think I have OCD as well, as I have some strange habits that I get ridiculed for. I don’t like drinking from a cup or bottle someone has just drank from, and I don’t like eating or sleeping over other people’s houses. I feel unwanted by everyone. I have no friends, just people who put up with me. I will often sit in silence at others people’s houses so that I don’t annoy them. I often feel like I’m overstaying my welcome.
In my late teens, I became a DJ for an internet radio station for a while, which I enjoyed. I had my own two-hour program each week. I just sat and talked about video games, and played music I liked. Around that time I also became a published poet for the first time. I had sent a poem into a competition, and it was deemed good enough to go to print. I have since become an eight time published poet, but as with everything else I am the only one who notices that I have accomplished something. I used to try and get my older brother and his friends to read my poems, but they used to get irritable, so I stopped bothering. I became very obsessive over music, as it was, and still is, my only escape. Again, nobody in my life thinks I am any good.
Now that I realise I’m an Aspie things have begun to make a lot more sense. Like a Jigsaw puzzle that has began to be put together. I hope I can make some friends on here, and start to accept who I am more!
Sorry for writing such a long introduction, lol.
19 Dec 2013, 10:04 am
